A Gravitational Pull

Today, I felt gravity. I felt the earth's gravity pulling me closer to the core of this strange planet we call home. I felt the pressure on my body, the sludgy motions as I melt and pull closer to the ground. And no, I'm not talking about an analogy for emotions. I mean I literally felt the force of gravity around me. I felt the heaviness of my body, his body, her body, every one. The cars slowly inching their way across the road, overcome with immobility due to the forces being exerted onto their small masses. I felt the objects on the other side of the world, as in below us, being pulled closer to us. I felt aware of my body. The weight it has, and the pressure I'm applying to the earth's fine layer of crust. I felt the closeness between us all. We're all being pulled to the center of earth, but we can't seem to touch each other. I felt heavier than I have ever felt in my entire life. It's amazing with all this force being put on us that we can even walk at all.
   What, then, would it feel like to walk on Mars? Mars' force of gravity is 4/10s of the earth's. What would it be like, being 4/10s lighter than usual? Would I jump higher? Run with bigger strides? Dance with the grace that a ballet dancer yearns to achieve? Would I therefore feel lighter in mood? Because lightness is something we all seek. Whether it be physically or emotionally. Would being 60% lighter, 60% higher, 60% more graceful...affect the way we think? Or is it all perception? Would we still be jealous of one another? You can jump 2 feet higher than I can. I hate you. Would we ever lose the jealousy we feel for others?
   Maybe we should all move to the sun. Where everyone would weigh 300,000 times more than on earth. No one would jump, no one would run, no one would dance. Would we, in turn, still be jealous of each other? Dismissing the fact, of course, that we would ultimately burn before we could even get close to the sun. If no one could do anything, what could any of us be jealous of? Beauty? It wouldn't matter, we wouldn't see anyway.
   Maybe that's our problem. We are blind without even being on the sun. We are blinded with the green envious shade of jealousy that we don't see each other for what we really are: Human.

flash back

The shattering clash of lightening as it cracks across the sky
Makes me think back on times of easier days.
When watching lightening was for excitement,
Instead of this feeling of a want for a change of scenery.
Waiting to see the next flash because it's the only thing surprising
Yet completely predictable in life.
It reminds me of what I used to have, what I used to want.
It's funny, things aren't much different now.
I still want love
I still want a family
I still want all my problems to just...finally get resolved.
I have changed.
My mind set has changed.
My whole life experience has changed.
And I still want those same things.
I just hope I don't have to wait much longer.

For You Crazy Lovers

For the crazy lovers out there
That wished on a star, but never came true
That cried in the shower when nobody's home
That suffocated a pillow from hugging so tight
That went on drives just to clear your minds
For the crazy lovers out there
That hoped with everything they had
That endlessly prayed for a miracle
That watched chick flicks just to live vicariously
That pondered the ups and downs of being forever alone
For the crazy lovers out there
That hold their chins up high
That know that one day they will come along
That want but know they must wait
That have figured out that it's just not the time
For the crazy lovers out there
That end a chapter and realize there's more to the book
That can feel the end of the drought nearing
That constantly perfect themselves for their future spouse
That can see the light at the end of the tunnel
Endure to the end
Because they are out there, trying their best to get to you as quickly as they can. 

500 Days of...

500 Days.
Of What?
500 Days of waiting.
500 Days of anticipation.
500 Days of Summer :)
500 Days (about) til my 21st birthday.
500 Days of longing.
500 Days of inexplicable yearning.
500 Days of memories played over and over like a broken record.
500 Days of wandering.
500 Days of wanting the closeness between fingers.
500 Days of one-sided affection.
500 Days til the end of two years.
500 Days til he comes home.
500 Days til we meet as strangers.
500 Days til we see those familiar features.
500 Days to prepare for the unknown.

some things.

sometimes, in life, things happen.
unexpected things.
indescribable things.
wonderful things.
bittersweet things.
things that you don't understand.
and sometimes, all those things can describe one event.
that was yesterday for me.

Should Have, Could Have, Didn't

So I had this dream last night. Some what disturbing, I have to admit. There were two different parts.

In the first part, I was with a few of my closest friends, and we were either at some amusement park, or carnival or something of the sorts, and we found out that the entire place was infested with zombies. Luckily, me and my posse had some get away parachutes that could take us to the outside of the village, and we could call our families for help. But only our families. So that's what we did. Now this part of the dream, I'm not sure what really happened. I either didn't call my family, or they didn't answer. Either way, I didn't come into contact with them. And we all learned that our way to safety was through or parachutes up into our family...pods, I would like to call them. But the problem was, we all of a sudden had one too few. Now, I knew at this point that I would have been welcome to come up to my friend's family pod, but that would have meant that one of my friends would be left behind and devoured. So I willingly volunteered to stay behind and save my friends. But what bugged me was that none of them offered to stay either. They just said "okay" and got ready to leave. So unappreciative. Luckily, my friend's family had brought a spare shute, and dropped it down to me and saved me.

Now in part two, I was at some sort of summer school, but it was a dark and dingy place, and it just seemed altogether creepy. I was learning some sort of weird math and we had a few people in the class with me. In this class, there was a girl named Megan (no affiliation with her whatsoever). I'm not sure who she was exactly, or why I felt like I needed to know her, but she was there, sitting right behind me with her dad. And her dad was very rude to her. Whispering to her, but with a yelling tone. Telling her how awful she was at math, how she was stupid because she wasn't working quick enough or something. And I just couldn't turn around and help. I just kept minding my own business. When all of a sudden, it was quiet behind me, no more abusive remarks. The dad suddenly gets up, tells the teacher that Megan was dead, she died out of anxiety, her heart was beating too fast. And I'm just...in shock. But I still don't do anything. I just continue with my math, trying to get it all done so I can finally go to nursing school. I turn in my work, and just walk out of the classroom. When I get to my mom and a friend, it finally dawns on me that I could have saved her. I could have performed CPR, and that probably would have restarted her heart, and being a certified CNA and being certified in CPR, it was my duty to do so. And I didn't. And it was too late now, because it had been hours (apparently) since she had died. And I was mad at myself, mad at her dad, mad that nobody did anything, including me. And my mom kept telling me that it was probably for the best. Megan had been adopted by a family that didn't want her in the first place, she was verbally abused by her family, and neglected, no less. But that did NOT mean that her death was the best for her. She could have done so much more, and she was gone, because I couldn't turn around, tell the dad to shut up, and perform CPR myself.


I don't know. It was a bizarre dream. I'm not sure what's going on in my head subconsciously.

Oh Summer.

This is going to be along summer. It's been one day away from school....and people...one in particular...and I'm already feeling lost and empty and jealous. I fell into a trap. Like always.

Love is a sad excuse for happiness.

One-sided love is even worse.