getting rid of the bad

I'm getting sick. Not necessarily throw-up-temporary-stomach-flu-and-headache sick. But sick where I'm always feeling nauseated, where I'm losing my appetite, where I'm not sleeping, not...having enough time for myself. And I'm getting more and more angry with my father.

I think I'm losing my happy streak too. As the days go on, I feel myself getting lost in nothing but work, jealousy, loneliness, and complete and utter annoyance. I fear that I'm not a very amiable person.

Not even my music, or my playlist meant for me to throw myself into a better mood, is working anymore. I'm getting really sick of music, and that obviously means that there is something wrong. Music is my life. I've inhaled music since I was little, and now all of a sudden I don't want to hear it, play it, or even sing it.

I know that's a little hypocritical of my last post, saying that I'm glad I'm in choir. But honestly, I just want to sit there. I don't feel like singing our songs or participating in the class activities.

Oh, and I hate my dad. But according to my bishop, I'm not allowed to. But I can't help it. Every time I begin to consider forgiving him for some horrible thing he does, he decides to overdose on his damn sleeping pills and does something even worse.

He won't be around for Lily Mae's birthday. It's next week. He'll be off in California with his "only daughters" as I like to call them. He acts like my older sisters are his true daughters and that they are the only ones that even matter in this world. And its obvious now. He's gone for Mae mae's birthday, and he wasn't around for mine. And on top of it all, he"s created an account over in California for himself. I know that all of this is just a ploy to prepare his big move to California after he gets out of prison. He's going to completely abandon us. And I don't care in the slightest.

If I ever do get married, he's not allowed to come.

I feel bad to realize that even Lily Mae hates him too. I feel like she's much to young to make such a judgement. But then again, she is going through all of the same things I am as well, and she has to deal with it at a younger age. This whole situation has taught her to grow up a lot quicker. I don't think that's fair for her. She's not even 15 yet, and she has to worry about our financial stress, the loss of the priesthood, the separation of her parents, and the awful acts of my father, and has to deal with the consequences as well. She never had the chance to just live a care-free teenage life.

But neither did I.

I'm concerned for both of my younger sisters and I. Really....who would ever want to marry into a family with as much baggage as us? Most people in the ward already "frown upon us" even though they have no idea who we are, what we deal with, and how we survive after it all.

If only there really was a literal way of getting rid of all the bad, and just starting new.