untitled.

Wrath thrust onto a tarnished and broken heart.
No one understands, no one.
Empathy does not exist among the charred pieces.
No lust, no love.
Dark and deceiving, the mind does work.
No hope, no hope.
Reminiscent memories eluded by fear.
No trust, no trust.
Unforgiving words that escape her lips.
No want, no need.
Tears fall down those soft, pale cheeks.
No color, no life.
Being replaced by objects unknown
Who knows...who knows...?
Convoluted and scared, is she.
No clarity, no clarity.
The want to be needed and wanted herself.
Nobody, nobody.
Standing in solitude, in her caliginous corner.
Alone, always alone.

Sick. Hate it. Love it. Endulge it. Throw it out. Take it in. Enjoy the time you have while you can. Once you go back, you won't be the same.

i wish i had some one who cared enough to do things for me, as i do for them. i do way to much. nobody appreciates it, nobody pays me back, nobody returns the favor. i wish i had some body who loved me enough to see me without me asking them. call me just because they want to hear my voice. i wish i had some body that would consider me, and treat me the same as their friends. When they want to go visit a friend without telling them, without some one asking them, without any reason, just to visit, smile, and laugh, i wish they would do it for me. Aren't I important to? Do i matter? It's all i've ever wanted, and i never get it. No matter how many hints dropped, no matter how many tears cried. All of it goes to waste. I'm a waste.

wet-stricken pages

of a soul so deep

where secrets unfurl

the blackest horizon

lighter than the ink

no eyes shall see

but it wants to be read

come out dark secrets

expose yourself to the world

help will one day come

unless hidden away

beneath the dark cover

of a bleeding heart.

adventure!

so..i left my homework home today. and i really needed it for my test during third, and i was supposed to finish it during second period. i ask my teacher if i can run home. she let me. I get home, grab my homework, and get back in the car. i stop at seven eleven to get myself some hot chocolate. i get back to school, and my parking spot is taken. i go to the upper parking lot: no parking spaces. i turn out and turn into the main parking lot: my car started gliding in the wrong direction because there was snow blocking the entrance. i have no cup holder in my truck, so i'm driving with my steaming, searing hot hot chocolate. i try to get into the parking lot, but my truck gets stuck. the tires are caught in the snow, and they kept turning, and turning, and turning, and i don't move. Finally, after five minutes, i get into the parkinglot, and drive all over, trying to find a spot. I end up parking in the driver's range. i find out i'm practically out of gas. I get out of the car and walk to the building. 3 crows follow me there. what the crap?

reminiscing

Painted fingernails. D*elia's. Busch Gardens. Harry potter Quidditch computer games. Song writing. Long hair. Streaking. Sahara's. Make believe. Armpit hair. secret picnics. poetry, books. flipflops. body pillows. scale model house. green and purple. purple nails. ms. braza. guacamole. hiding rachel's stuff. recording what she says. bad smoker/throw-up breath. high school diplomas. mrs. krieps. global girls gazette. our "gymnastics program." s.n.e.l.p.ers. miniature pillows. sadko. curry chicken. allen jones. kearns. big, lazy brother that would never get off the freaking computer. fashion shows. birthday parties. facials. manicures. gay guy that did my pedicure hat wanted to hook up with your brother ."just because" :). yearbook drama. sarah dessen. boys. ireland, london. seeing harry potter 3 like....4 times in the same month. Paper mache. daniel radcliffe. liam aiken. in short: I. Miss. You.

something happens.

its my fault.

automatically.

the other messes up.

i forgive.

the other messes up.

i get blamed.

i get guilt.

but i still forgive.

no matter the pain.

i mess up.

i'm blamed.

i get guilt.

i have pain.

no one forgives.

dumb?

i think yes.

at school.
still sick.
hate life.
want hot chocolate.
want sleep.
want coloring books.
want oatmeal.
want silly stories.
want secret picnics.
want ruthie.

what. the. hell.

i went to the "gastro..whatever" specialist today. The PA that was helping me....pretty much one of the dumbest and most retarded bitch I think I've met. I told her my entire medical history since July, and how it was progressively getting worse, and that I'm losing a considerably large amount of weight. Yeah. guess what she said to me?
"Oh, Mary Jane, we really don't want to do anything at the current moment. We think this whole ill process is a way for your body to get better. We really think that whatever digestive problem you had is getting better. But I mean..if you want to run a scoping test, I'm sure there is no harm in that."
What a dumb bitch. First of all: I don't have a digestive track problem. Second of all: I am most definately not getting better if I'm still losing weight I'm weak, and sick, and still have reoccuring chest pains. Third of all: that the whole reason we went to that specialist was to get a stupid scoping test because the emergency room wanted me to. Fourth of all: You're a bitch. She had this whole tone of voice that made it seem like i didn't know any better, and that I was making all of this stuff up, and that it's far too "atypical" to really nail anything down and that all the pain and suffering I'm going through is a way to keep getting better. Well, miss-know-it-all-bitch, you won't be saying the same thing if I end up with another attack, or i completely vanish because I go under 100 pounds XP.

that is all.

:)

God made spaces between our fingers so some one else can fill the gap <3

Difficulties

When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic
When I'm sad, I'm doleful
When I'm deep in thought, I'm presuming
When I'm angry, I'm tumultuous.
When I empathize, I'm consoling.
When I say I'm sorry, I remorse
When I say I'd love to, I mean it from the bottom of my heart
When I say I love you, I mean it from the depths of my soul.
When I say it's true, you better believe it :)

I'm not too difficult. Take my emotion, and multiply it by a million. That's how i really feel.

These I have Loved

These I have loved:
Creamy chocolate, melted to form your eyes,
Dark, delicious, desirable;
Hands to hold; Face to caress;
Your voice, soundly singing off key,
Like a symphony playing two different songs;
A smile, so simple, like the sun,
Lights my life;
The smell of peppermint lingering,
Dancing its way through the threads of my clothes,
As you breathe on my shoulder;
Your wink, a spark heard only by me,
From across a room;
Our nerves tast our excitement;
Old spice, a nice greeting for old friends,
From cologne to nose;
Your back towards me, as you walk away,
A promise:
To see each other soon;
All these have been my loves.

The Fear Factor

Striking as it may be. It hunts, it kills, it hunts again. Its main purpose: destruction. But why? Why the pain? Why the fear? To help us learn. That's why. Why, without the experience it gives, we may never empathize. Without empathy, what are we really? Just another person saying, "I'm sorry." Everyone is always sorry. That's all any one ever seems to feel anymore. "I'm bored." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I hurt." "Oh I'm sorry." Sorry is boring, sorry hurts more than, "It'll be okay." Why the pain? Why the fear? To help us evolve from careless adolecents to wise and experienced adults.

It's You

"Some mysteries I will never understand: The way the earth rotates around the sun, three minutes shorter every day.Or the way the dead are gone by putting down a phone or turning the corner. The Future: Now that's another whopper. I can never know what we never know. Except: whoever you are, and whoever I am, you made it alright to be me."--Driving Lessons

i know this page is the "rantings" of a chocolate crazed person, but seriously, i don't rant....haha, oh well, hi, how is every one, i feel so in the dark right now....no one comes to my blog. :(

Rose

The innocent child was a rose
with velvety skin in bloom.
Small prickly thorns here and there
to protect her personality.
A fresh fragrance smelled
after a long soothing bath.
The appearance was beautiful in
every way.
A wild rose at home
letting out every feeling
A domestic rose at school, tamed, making sure that she'll always be the perfect little angel.
Surrounded by bunches of friends
making sure that she's never lonely.
A red rose is what she is,
bashful and shy, when around her crush.
A yellow rose in the sunlight
when she's able to be hyper
A rose that has been dyed black when
hiding something from her parents
A rose, made of chocolate when trying to be sweet
to get what she wants
A rose dipped in gold,
when showing her pure heart
At the beginning of summer
she's brilliant and excited
But towards the end
a little more wilted and exhausted
She carries around petals
of emotions
The innocent child was a rose
ready to bloom into maturity

She Slowly walked over to her doom. She room was only a matter of 10 feet away. Her worst nightmare was yet to come true. Even more slowly now, she dragged her feet towards the bright light shining into the throw-up green chair. Glancing behind her, she saw three doctors closing in on her, making sure that she couldn't escape. She got into the chair, and the shined the light in her eyes. And...... *plays dramatic music*

NewYears

Glistening tears filled her eyes, and rolled down her baby soft, rosy red cheeks. She closed her eyes, tightly, thinking about what she had done. Opening her eyes once more, she looked around the room. "i've ruined it, she said,"I've ruined every one's New Year." Her eyes, which were now streaming with tears, closed once more. "my year, full of hopes and dreams have gone down the drain. This year is going to be the worst year ever yet to come..."

Death

She looked around the room, making sure everyone was looking at her. she slowly reached her hand into her pocket, blood dripping down the side of her cheek. She pulled it out, it was gleaming in the sun. Then, she put her fore-finger on the trigger. She glanced around the room once more, seeing that everyone was watching her point the gun to her head. "what?" she said, "I deserve it." She pulled her funger back and...