Stars

Soft blankets.

Fluffy pillows.

Damp grass in an open field, just down the hill a ways.

Just him and me and my laptop with a movie.

Nothing but the vast open world above.

Twinkling stars light the night.

80% of my pheromones emit from the top of my head? Really?

Stars turn to eyes. Beautiful.

Passionate. Thrilling. Uncontrollable.

Warm, soft lips.

Itchy mustache.

Dawn approaches.

The stars fade.

Not wanting it to end.

But I must return to that place where all of this seems impossible.

College?

I think I may have finally finalized the courses I'm taking for Fall :) I'm super excited. ha.

BIOL 1210: T, H-- 3:30-5:20pm

HONOR 2212 (Intellectual Institutions): T, H-- 12:25-1:45 pm

MATH 1070 (Stats): M, W, F-- 2:00-2:50pm

BALLE 1230 (2nd year ballet): M, W, F-- 9:40-11:10am

:D a total of 13 credit hours. tis perfect.

I hope it all balances out with service and work though...

Single's Ward.

So, I'm trying out my single's ward today. It starts in a half hour or so. Super excited, but scared at the same time. I have not been to church since Easter, and before that, I haven't gone to church in years. YEARS. years.....

He said

He said I had sass.

But not in a bad way.

"it's one of the qualities I like about you."

I told him that not many people could handle my sass.

"I can handle it. In fact, I love it."

He said we're hot. Collectively.

We make everyone's heads turn.

But what is he trying to do?

What happened to staying friends..?

What happened to "It's not in the cards?"

I guess we'll see.

I love green eyes. . . .so much.

Boys..

I have weird boys talking to me..I don't even KNOW them. They kinda scare me. Like this guy on facebook who is friends with one of my best friend...he's all of a sudden telling me that we should hook up. This is the first time I have ever spoken to him.

"Well I would have to say that you are very good looking."

What kind of boy says that? 5 minutes into the conversation? That is SO awkward. What am I supposed to say back? "oh yeah, um.. you're exceptionally ordinary looking yourself."

And today at the mall... I had two black guys making kissy faces at me, and telling my I have a beautiful face, and it was scary.

And there's Tyson. Random boy from sizzler.

And there's Tyler.

Leave me alone. Like really. I only want one man. :) if only I could have him..

Tangled?

One Word: Failed

I've failed. Failed to accomplish the easiest task for many to perform. A task so simple, my little sister could do it for me. And she's eleven. I've failed at showing my true feelings. I've failed at opening up, and just saying what was on my mind. I've failed myself, and I've failed you.

This is what happens when you watch Black Swan late at night.

Stop, a voice says. Hairs stand on end. Chills run down the spine. Her eyes ever so slightly glance over her shoulder. A quick double-take confirms: no one is there. A shake of the head and onward she walks. But she can't eschew the feeling that some one is watching. She turns again, scrutinizing her surrounding, but she's unsure she's even seeing what's really there.

"Nothing's there," she mutters to herself. Yes there is, says the voice.

Something quickly catches her eye. A twitch in the dark. She squints, trying to better define the darks shapes, but it's no good...and too late. A woman edges out of the shadows, but keeps her face hidden from view by the hood of her jacket.

"Who is that?" She asks the woman, scared. But the woman didn't answer; just groveled along, getting closer to her. Too close. She steps back. "Who are you?"

The woman raised her head just high enough for her to see the crooked and insinuating smile.

A sense of horror flooded her body as she decided to look down at the woman's hands. Something silver was gleaming... She started running, but didn't get too far. She tripped over the uneven pavement, and fell to her hands and knees. She heard the woman running after her. The girl whirled around and saw the woman standing above her, knife in hand, ready to thrust. The girl let out a piercing scream and tried to fight the woman off; but she was weak. Too weak. In a last attempt, the girl threw the hood off the woman's face. But what didn't make sense to her was that she was looking back at herself. That brief moment of confusion did it though. The woman took her chance and shoved the tip of the knife into her stomach. The girl let out a piercing cry of pain. She closed her eyes, and the woman shoved the knife in deeper.

She waited to hear the woman's departure, but it never came. Was she waiting to watch her die? The girl slowly opened her eyelids, and screamed.

There was no woman. Just her reflection in a window; a reflection of herself thrusting the knife into her own body. Tears streamed down her face as she slowly retracted the knife. Blood everywhere. She laid herself on the ground, confused, terrified, and remorseful. What had she done? She watched the world around her slowly swirl into blackness.

This is my first attempt at using oil pastels. Nothing spectacular. Just something simple. In case you can't tell...it's a sunset. Over water.

One Word: History

How often I'll be doing these, I don't know. But basically, I'm given a word, and I have a minute to write anything about it. So here is the start of it. My word today: History.

It may have only been a few weeks ago, or a few months ago. But what happened then is now history. Nothing to be continued. Nothing to be said anymore. It happened. It was beautiful, wonderful, and splendid. I wish I could go back and relive it, but I can’t. History is to be viewed, remembered, and learned from. If only this type of history between the two of us could last.

things i do in my room when I'm alone

1. Watch tv. who doesn't?

2. Play my guitar and sing off key on purpose.

3. Paint.

4. Draw.

5. Facebook.

6. Scrapbooking in an actual book. That you read. Insane.

7. Listen to music.

8. Listen to music and sing at the top of my lungs, pretending to be a famous pop/rock star.

9. Paint my nails over and over and over again.

10. When school is in session: Homework

11. When school is not in session: Homework (cuz I'm Asian).

12. Stumble Upon.

13. Write. Write on my blog. Write in my journal. Write music. Write Poems.

14. Stare at my gallery of art on my wall. Twinklie lights on and all.

15. Stare at my phone. Waiting for some one on the outside to make contact.

16. Cry. Whether I'm happy, or feeling alone. If there is a lot of emotion, I'll cry.

17. Learn French online. So far, I know how to ask if you speak english/french/japanese, and which one of those countries you are from/going.

18. Read Harry Potter. Again and again. I'm on the 5th book. for the 3rd or 4th time.

19. Not clean my room, and just let it accumulate into a pigpen. I lost my cat in my room once.

20. Stare at the wall, think about life and what I wanna do when I have my family.

21. Take off my pants. Being in your underwear in the privacy of your room gives you a strange sense of freedom. Though, I do feel awkward in just a bra and underwear. So I wear a shirt. It's okay, my door is locked.

22. Stare at my ceiling and will myself to sleep. Something I can't do at night.

So. I've decided I need to catch up on blogging. Not that any one reads this. But I feel the sudden urge to write everything. So if there are 10 posts in one day, deal with it, okay?

Kthanks (:

Don't text me.

I mean, I love texting, and I love keeping in contact with everyone, but PLEASE. Don't text me at 2:00 in the morning. Don't text me, asking if I'm still up. I know I have a sleeping disorder, and more than likely, I will be up. But I will be TRYING to fall asleep. I don't wanna be disturbed from my half/awake stance just to start up a conversation with you because you're bored. Leave me be!

So don't text me in the middle of the night. Unless you're one of my best friends, I'm not going to answer.

Knock Knock.

Come in!

A cool breeze enters the room..along with a fresh scent of cologne.

Butterflies begin to flutter.

Muffled footsteps approaching the tiny kitchen.

A smile greeted with my nervous twitch of the mouth.

Heart pounding. Why must it be so loud?

Chairs scuff the ground. Hugs given.

Just one touch..taken back to a day and place that no others know about...

Brushing of the skin, the soft touch of lips. Feverish passion running through both bodies.

Unthinkable, yet very conservative pleasure. Never wanting to stop. But..

"How are you?"

"I've been well."

Greetings and introductions about the room.

He sits on the ground. So close...close enough to just brush by again..

Longing in the fingertips to run through the soft hair.

The need to just be this much closer.

But nothing could happen, and nothing would.

"I must go."

"Goodbye."

"Come down again soon?"

"Of course."

And then it was all over.

Or was it?

Knock Knock.

Please come in.

And stay.

Marriage?

I feel like life has been put on pause.

I feel like life won't continue until I either A: start college this fall, or B: tell the guy I want to be with, that I want to be with him.

I feel like life isn't being just. I'm doing all I can to be productive (enough) to last through the summer. Two jobs. I applied for a third? Starting piano lessons again. Getting ready for competition. Catching up on some reading and doing some math/anatomy stuff...

I feel like life might not move forward until I get married...which scares me. I've been thinking about nothing but marriage for the past month..should a girl my age really be doing that? It's almost as if the world is telling me I'm behind on the times. That I should've had a boyfriend by now, and I should be married within the year. But is that really how it should be? Because, unfortunately, my mind and my heart are telling me yes. And because of all this marriage hype..

I feel like I'm not doing enough to put myself out there and actually find a guy. Maybe that's because I already have a guy in mind, and I don't want him to know. Because I'll know I'll be rejected, let down, treated like a silly teenage girl with a dream, and nothing more. But that gut instinct is killing me...this prompting to tell him..but I can't!

I will. No. I won't. Yes. I will. No, he'll think I'm strange and won't talk to me any more. No, he wouldn't do that. Yes, he might. Mary Jane, get a hold of yourself, you're not in high school anymore, just tell him. No, I can't stand the rejection. Not after all I've already been through. I don't need that drama on top of everything else that's going on.

But I really do want to get married...after all..most of my cousins were my age when they got married. I feel ready. I feel like the next step is family. I need that companionship. I want to have kids. Yes of course I'm still gonna be in college, and I won't have kids until after I start working at the hospital. After my Bachelor's maybe? But it needs to happen. I've prayed about it, and I feel that's the "real" next step.

I want to finally hold those beautiful babies in my arms, be the mother I'm meant to be, and just complete my life. Look into the gorgeous eyes of my children, help them grow, become amazing people...I want to come home, make dinner, fall into the arms of my beloved, and just..be happy. And when I imagine all the guys in my life who could possibly be a candidate..only one pops into my mind with a snap of the finger. I can't help feeling that it may be him. Just maybe....

I need to grow some lady-balls, man up, and just tell him.

But I won't.

I've fallen in love.

Not like...love love, but like..on the scale from 1 (crinkle) to 10 (marry me) i'm about a 6. I'm head over heels for this guy, and i totally shouldn't be. i know that he doesn't feel the same way..I'm just a little girl with a huge crush, i guess. It's sad...i can't stop thinking about him, i want to talk to him...but i can't. i just cant.

and it's weird, this crush. It's not at all like how I felt for zack before we started dating. with zack it was just a huge, frilly infatuation. this is different. unexplainably different. and i like this feeling...but only when he's actually talking to me. without him in the picture, i just feel kind of lost? i dunno. it's weird.

but i deleted him from my phone. i can't let this continue. i can't keep this feeling up when nothing is going to come back my direction. i can't talk to him anymore. i can't see him anymore. it's impossible to keep living like this.

It's funny how after 2 full days of flirty texts...nothing makes you feel so lonely. I miss him. Is that bad? I think I'm falling for him, but the problem is..I doubt he'd ever feel they same way. Why on earth do I do this to myself?

It sucks to have to sit in the next room...and listen to your father tell your little sister that he's not going to see her anymore..and the reason why.

It sucks to know that your little sister's closest friend is going away.

It sucks to be the older sister of a child who's too young to understand the gravity of the situation, but still, she needs to know..

And it sucks to sit through all this crap, and secretly be happy, only because I'm wanting a certain some one who sets my mind at ease and makes me extremely happy.

He came at the most inconvenient time. But I can't help but crush on him. He came when my life was falling apart, and he came just when he was getting ready to move an hour away. But I can't stay away..Maybe it wasn't inconvenient. Maybe it was to show me that there are decent men out there, that I need to stay strong, and the right one will come to me. But somehow...I wish I had a better chance with this one.

I'm glad I'm kind of invisible. I'm glad no one comes to this page. Because if they did...I'd be so embarrassed to say who I'm talking about. He's the brother of one of my closest friends. I'm ashamed that I have already..kissed him. And I'm sure she doesn't approve of what happened either. But I don't regret it. I rather enjoyed kissing him. And I'd do it again, if I could.

Who am I turning into?

I decided that this is probably the best place to vent without putting any of my relationships in jeopardy.

Lately...I've been having the hardest time with...everything. Not only is it senior year, and I'm developing a serious case of senioritis, but almost everything else around me seems to be tumbling down into ruins that are overseen, overlooked, and unacknowledged by every one else. This deep, blackhole of despair called my life never ceases to pull more darkness into it's unfathomable mouth, taking in all that should not be experienced and filtering out any chance of happiness.

As so commonly said, "To make a long story short," this year consists of my ex boyfriend cheating on me twice with the same girl...and the last confrontation nearly breaking my arm...my parents deciding to get divorced, and my father...ending up in prison. And even better, all of this is supposed to stay on the "down low," but because I can't tell any one about it, and no one comes to read this bullshit page anyway, I'm gonna flat out say that I hate my family. I'm confined to my own inner personal space, having to deal with this all on my own, really, and it sucks. Can I just add...I hate men? No, I would never go lesbian, but...I just can't grasp the mind set of these...pigs. No offense.

My so called father can't even come to my graduation this year. How wonderful is that? He probably won't make it to my University Graduation, or probably even the birth of my first child. And it's his own damn fault. He's leaving our family with almost nothing. My mom has to file for bankruptcy, we have absolutely no idea if we're gonna be able to keep any of our possessions...and how are my sisters and I gonna pay for college? We can't file bankruptcy twice...that'll be the end of my mother..

God, if you really are there...help. Show me that bright resonating light that I so desperately need to see. Give me a sign of what comes next, that things will turn out in the end. Make my mother happy for once...help my little sister understand that she's not gonna be able to see her dad for a long while...that we won't be able to go camping this summer, and that no, daddy is not going to be able to finish her bedroom. Help me be strong and face everything that comes my way with a strong facade, and at least a small smile on my face. Help us.