The Violet Hour

Before reading this, I would really like you to click on the link below. This song is meant to go with this post.

This is the violet hour, the hour of hush and wonder, when the affections glow again and valor is reborn, when the shadows deepen magically along the edge of the forest and we believe that, if we watch carefully, at any moment we may see the unicorn.

- Bernard DeVoto "The Hour"

Today I'm gonna tell Jesse my feelings for him. Kind of scary. Actually, it's really scary. He told me yesterday that he's probably not coming back to this school next semester, and may end up going to BYU, which means, these may be our final weeks. And I just need to get things off my chest before then, so that I can have a sense of closure.

It may be the worst idea in the world, but it needs to be done. It may make things extremely awkward between us for the last 3 weeks of this semester. And I might get a little hurt. But things will get better in time. I just need him to know. And not assume that he knows.

I keep going over ways I'm going to explain things to him. Right now this is how I'm thinking of doing it.

During our rehearsal, I'm going to pull him to the side and ask to speak to him in private. And because I'm insane and quirky, I'm just going to say: "So..I think I'm getting feelings for you, and I know I'm putting my head on the chopping block by saying that, but I just really wanted to get that out there. I'd still like for us to be friends, and I hope that in light of this new information, things won't get too awkward between us." And then just smile because I'm an awkward person, and we'll both know that being awkward is going to happen no matter what.

But I'm terrified of his reaction. And I'm worried that it's going to ruin my mood during our concert tonight. And what's even worse is that my family will be there, and his family will be there, and....it just FEELS messy to me. I don't know if it sounds messy to any one else. So i'm really freaking out on the inside. Trying to hide it on the outside.

The past few days though, Jesse has been texting me. Nothing really important, and they were very short conversations, but he asked me how I was doing on wednesday, and I'm assuming that's because my mom had kicked me out of the house, and he wanted to make sure I was okay. Him and his family actually let me stay the night at his house on Monday. His parents are lovely folks. Any one should be proud to be a part of that family. And today was just to ask me if his family needed to dress in Sunday clothes for our choir concert. So nothing extraordinary. But nonetheless, I think that was a bigger step for him, since I do all the texting.

I'm scared.

It is the Violet Hour.

A new day will come.