What a blifferating day.

I'm creating a new word.

Blifferating: describing the situation when things don't go your way.

Today definitely did not end up the way I wanted it to. Like, at all.

I think I feel a lot worse than I did when I was worrying all of yesterday and this morning.

I barely talked to him at all today. He's not even coming back until the middle of the night. And by "back" he means provo. Lame. I was so hoping I'd be able to see him this weekend. It really would have lifted my spirit.

I feel like we are heading back down now. Down on this rollercoaster we've been on for the past 4 months. But maybe this is my fault. Maybe it's because I don't tell him how I really feel, or what I truly think of our situation.

So this is for you:

I want commitment. I want to know that when I wake up in the morning, you'll still be there. That you're not going to decide that I was a fun toy, but you want something shinier. I want to know that you have feelings for me, and that's why you want to get to know me better. I don't like the guessing game. I'm tired of the jealousy game as well. Either you let me date other guys without making me feel guilty, or you stop dating other girls. I can't be sitting here, devoting my time to you, when you are out with other girls, and nothing may ever procure from this. I want truth. I want straightforward answers, and none of this avoiding-the-question nonsense. Just tell me! Tell me what you want from me!

From what I can tell... you're not going to be any different from Zack or Tingey. They started out this way too. Sure, they got to business a lot quicker. Zack a month, Tingey a matter of days. But 4 months? Really?

I'm ready to settle down. And if you're not, then you can't be him. Let me move onto another guy.

I ran into a friend today. She's barely older than me, and I found out that she got married last week. I am too far behind. I'm starting to kind of feel depressed because I'm not even at the boyfriend stage. I just want a family. A beautiful family with a loving husband, amazing children, and a happy home. Just give me that.