everything will be ok

I found this today. It's a little bizarre if you aren't used to Don Hertz's stuff. But I really like it.

Though life seems terrible, and you feel like you're gonna die...everything will be okay.

Don't Trust Me

I admire those people who have such hard lives and still come out with nothing but a sincere smile on their face. I've been through enough shit myself, and I still try to make my life as happy as possible, but despite all my tribulations, things could be a lot worse.

A friend told me about a man in Tijuana that had absolutely nothing. If I remember right he didn't have much of a job. His house burned to the ground one day, and everything he owned was destroyed. Everything. Yet he was always willing to help out the volunteers that helped build a new house for him. He always brought smiles to every single one of those peoples faces.

Life is hard now. For me. Maybe my situation would be easy for you to go through, maybe not. But for me, it's hard. To put it simply...my dad's...out of the picture. His income gone, my mother barely making enough to keep the rest of us alive. Deep loathing between my family members, my family wanting me to move out as soon as possible, not wanting me to return. I'm not earning any money either, as for the fact that hollister is not giving me any hours. my cousin was just killed in a car accident today, and to top it all off...i don't have a friend consistent or..good enough to be able to come over to their house and just cry because i can't do that in the comfort of my own home without being yelled at.

But i still try to smile. . .I still try to pretend that everything is perfectly alright and that soon things will work themselves out. I pretend that someday my family will appreciate all the hard work I'm doing. I pretend that someday I'll finally be seen as a real friend, and not somebody to be used. I pretend that some day, I will find a friend myself, willing to be there when I need them, and when I don't need an emotional crutch.

Though I must say. . .most of the time I am a pretty convincing liar to myself. . .but i'm not sure I'm really believing myself anymore.

I wish I was Gandhi

It's Time

This kinda always happens to me.

And it kinda sucks.

Second best. That's right.

I push people away.

Scared to get hurt, but scared of being alone.

No one really understands me, who i am, or what my motives are.

I don't even really know.

But when I finally feel something is real, it gets taken away.

Almost lovers.

Time-restricted friends.

Temporary happiness.

Maybe. . .I'm meant to be alone in life.

Maybe I'm meant to be that independent person I once was a few years back.

Maybe I'm supposed to be career-driven. Never meant to meet anyone.

I so wanted it to be. . .or have a chance with. . .

I guess that was my chance.

I have no more chances.

Well. . .it was nice to know you. . .

Have a nice life. . .

Maybe we'll meet again sometime in the future, and maybe then we can be friends.

Time to move on, once again.

And although I feel a bit melancholy about it all, although I don't want to say goodbye, although I want to continue something that could never be, I think I'll be just fine.

Only a hint of scared. A taste of depression. But a flavor blast of adventure.

"Adventure is out there!"--Up

First Kiss

Oh the joys of first kisses.... (: I remember every single one of mine.

Boys I've kissed:

Jimmy Sandstrom

Cheney Doane

Zack Smith

Justin Tingey

Jonah Bolton

Blake Newman

The boys I've enjoyed kissing...now that's another story :)

My first kiss:

Cheney Doane, during a spin the bottle game in 8th grade at Lindsay Mcsweeny's birthday party. I was dating Henry Polecek at the time, haha..

For once, I have so much on my mind, but I have no idea what to say.

I'm so confused. About it all.

I'm torn. I'm hurting. I'm ashamed. I'm loathing. I'm regretting. I'm apologetic. I'm stumped.

I'm alone, now that every one is gone.

I'm afraid I'm gonna need more help than just a blog. But this is all I've got.

Ultimatum

I hate ultimatums. But sometimes, they are for the best.

I know from experience that Ultimatums push people away.

But I've got to do what I've got to do.

If I'm stuck here...in limbo...

Look, mister, it's either do or don't.

It's either yes or no.

There can't be anything between.

I give you a week.

Starting today.

And if there's no change...before I leave on my cruise...

*makes cutting motion across neck*

When life hands you lemons...

Life can be hard.

I know from great experience.

And I've seen life threatened, taken, and given.

I've seen life scared of itself.

I've seen life joyous.

I've seen life envious.

I've seen life hate-filled.

And I've seen life regretful.

Life can be hard.

Especially when you see your family fall apart.

Particularly one family member.

But that doesn't mean I need to let it control my life.

My life is separate.

Separate from yours.

Separate from hers.

And separate from his.

I'm proud of my life.

I'm grateful I'm the one that gets to lead it.

Though life is hard, I am going to live it with a heartfelt smile on my face.

With love in my heart.

And with Life in my hands.

I dedicate this to the two people who have helped me more than I deserve this past week:

Aubrey and Blake.

Remember. Lemons is just melons spelled a different way. And melons are delicious. (:

What if Rain Drops Were Candy Bars and Milkshakes?

Today, I took a nice walk down memory lane.

My first step onto the smooth pavement involved my interaction with a friend I have not hung out with in years.

We only took a few steps down that path together. Only recalling nice memories we've had in the past few months.

Catching up is a short journey.

The side walk had a few cracks we had to jump over, though. Zack is an interesting memory to bring up.

Then, when she departed, I kept walking along.

I sat at a bench to recall some pieces I used to play on the piano.

I played those pieces for maybe an hour.

Partway down the walk, I found my garage.

In it, I found a box. A box full of pirated Disney VHS movies my parents bought in Taiwan while we lived there.

I remember watching those movies when I was a weeeeeee tot.

I took a couple out an watched them with my mother.

Cinderella (with chinese captions at the bottom of course) aaaaand

BARNEY.

Oh how I remember watching barney non stop when I was little.

I've gotta say, watching Cinderella was like skipping halfway down the road.

But watching barney was like getting in a rocket, and blasting myself all the way to the very end of the road in a matter of seconds.

I still remember all of the words to all of the songs.

Along with the dance moves.

And I haven't seen this movie in over a decade.

I realize now that while I was paving this path of memories to where I am now, I didn't bother stopping at all to see where I was. I just laid brick after brick, not looking around once to see where I was coming from, where I was, or where I was going. I pity myself for not seeing how important my life is, and savoring each moment I had when I was a child. Because Life only gets harder from here on out. So I must do precisely this from now on.

Mary Jane, look at what you've got now. Cherish it, love it, be grateful it's in your life. If you feel the need, express your gratitude, and document what happens. So if you look back 10 years from now, you know that you didn't waste away your younger self.

It's gotta be a good life

I can't sleep.

Either life is too great to sleep.

Or I have a sleeping disorder.

Oh wait...ha.

Just 6 hours ago, I was at a Hellogoodbye concert.

Amazing. Best day of my life.

First band that played, Lovecapades, noticed how crazy my friends and I danced.

They came and hung out with us throughout the rest of the concert.

And asked us to go to IHOP with them after.

But not all of us live in Provo.

Hellogoodbye was insane.

So good live.

I got them to sign my shirt. (:

And we took a picture with them.

And on top of it all..things may not be over with a certain person I ended things with two weeks ago.

Not that there was much to end.

But he still wants to date me.

Instead of not seeing each other period.

But now I can't sleep.

And I really need it.

My friend's farewell is in 4ish hours from now.

Maybe I'll put on my sleep playlist.

And read some Harry Potter.

Love's Secret--William Blake

Never seek to tell thy love,

Love that never told can be;

For the gentle wind doth move

Silently, Invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,

I told her all my heart,

Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.

Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,

A traveller came by,

Silently, invisibly:

He took her with a sigh.

Let Me In

Do you think of me when I think of you?

Do you reminisce those captivating moments,

Like remembering words to a favorite forgotten song?

Our adventures are the tune

But how we felt is the lyrics.

Do you let the blank, tarnished pages of a broken relationship further digress?

Or try to preserve and cherish what used to be?

Do you dwell on what could have, would have, or might have been?

Question your authority to control your own life?

Or let it all slip through the cracks of your fingers,

Watching those special moments trickle out of your grasp

And seep into the ground, letting the world trod over them?

Do you ache to remember the grazing of lips?

The sweeping of hair?

The brush of skin?

The electric continuity between us?

Do you wish to inhale the aroma once believed to be so intoxicating?

Do you miss the close proximity of our beings?

The feeling that the only living things in existence were beneath the same night sky?

Do you long to discover the life behind those aged, yet excited eyes?

Because I do.

I want to relive those sleepless nights.

I want to remember the way we felt.

I want to feel the touch of skin.

I want to know.

You.

money sucks.

Today, I found that when I have a problem, and I really need to talk to a friend...I have no idea who to turn to. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the next year, financially. Absolutely no idea. With my parent's divorce, and my father's situation, we lose his income. We were already tight with money as it is. Not even living paycheck to paycheck. And now college is coming at such an awful time. I'm only getting $5500 in grant money. That doesn't even cover my tuition. Let alone my books and my housing, and my gas money, and living. I'm not getting any hours at hollister at all. Literally. And I can't find another job that'll help me earn more and give me better hours when I can only work certain nights because of school. I have classes from 6-8pm on tuesdays and thursdays. I've already used up all I had in my saving's account to help pay for my gas and lessons and such. I have nothing.

But I can't stay home for the school year either. I just...can't handle my family anymore. Especially with what is going on. I can't handle the personal stress on top of my school work. I am taking 7 classes after all.

And I sit here now, tearing up. My mother at my door yelling at me, telling me how much of a financial burden I am. What am I supposed to do? Not go to college? I seem to be nothing but an inconvenience to my mother. At least, that's what she's been telling me for the past month.

I really wish a had a good enough friend who would just...let me stay with them for a bit. I can't handle my home life right now. There's far too much shit going on.

The only person who would is Kelly. And she now goes to college, so it's not like I can drive down to provo and live in her dorm. I have no one to tell this too. I don't want to be a burden on anyone else's lives.

So I get to sit here, locked up in my room. All by myself. No one to confess to besides this blog that no one reads.

Dummy

Last night, I had a boy tell me that he loved me.

Yeah, I've known him for a couple years, but we never actually started talking til last week.

We've hung out like..3 times. Total. Ridiculous. And he had this HUGE thing for this girl just yesterday.

You cannot tell a girl you love her. Especially if you've only been acquainted with her for a week.

The following is the conversation we shared:

"Mary Jane?"

"Yes..."

"It's [enter name here]. Soandso said you're a crappy texter. Is that true?"

"I dunno. My phone sucks when I text. It types different words"

"Can I tell you something?"

"um, okay"

"Never mind. You're a cold texter......or do you just not like me?"

"I just don't know what you're texting me about, that's all. I get a little defensive"

"Mary Jane, I love you. Whaddya have to say that??"

"Cuz I get weird texts from people, and I'm stuck in an awkward situation"

"Is this one of those situations?"

"I dunno...did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

"Yes"

"...then its a little awkward."

"Oh....k I get it. Sorry to have wasted your time!"

"What about that girl...?"

"She's not responding me. And I mean. I thought we had something...you ever been on a real nice date?"

"Yes...Abel, not to be rude or anything, but I'm not a rebound.."

"Wasn't even going out with her....and idk, maybe it was just your personality. But it was really easy talking to you and the way you read that poem tonight...you have a really soothing voice"

"Well thanks, but I think you are rebounding. I've been through the same thing, and trust me, it's better to have some time in between...girls. You need to rediscover your life without some one."

"Ouch, you are a cold woman. Can we just talk then? Get to know you better?"

"I'm not trying to be cold, I'm being honest...i mean...i have to do it too. I'm still attached to some one as you are that girl."

"Then how long will it take you?"

"I'm not sure. To be completely honest...I have a feeling that him and I need to try again. I just need to give him time."

"I thought you were serious when you said you ended it. What do you see in him?"

"A lot. He's a sweetheart. He's funny, he practically has the same personality as me. He's a considerate gentleman, and very talented."

"Gotcha"

Boys...are IDIOTS. Like really. He even asked me for advice on that girl just an hour or so before that text. I am so done.

HARRY POTTER :)

Constant anticipation

Excitement flooding my body

Life pulsating through

The feeling that life always has a sequel

But what happens when it doesn't?

A hole is formed

An un-fillable hole

It's coping mechanism: constant reminiscence

I die a little more every time I think about it

What happens now?

A childhood spent waiting for the next one...

What's next?

Life.

Jubilation

So, today I started a choir class at the University's Institute. It's a Jubilation Choir for Special Ed students. And I must say, even though their tonedeafness kills me, I love it there. Each student is amazing in his/her own way, and are so full of life and energy. I'm really going to enjoy this class, and I think you all should try something like this at some point in your life. It's truly inspiring.

Crinkle

So...I think I'm in love with a gay boy. Haha. But i'm not joking. He's cute, a sweetheart, a little scrawny, and a great dancer. He's in my hiphop class. And he's my partner in our lyrical hiphop piece.

I really wish he wasn't gay. He'd be perfect. Kinda.

Now let me see your mood SWING!

I seriously think I am officially bipolar. I can be fine one minute, hyper the next, and then completely crash into nothingness. stupid people in this world..they seriously can't grow up.

I think that's one of the main reason's for life's unhappiness. People can't agree with others. People don't think the same way. It's a wonder the world turns at all. I can hardly keep a relationship going because I don't agree with one person. How does the world keep everything else going when no one else thinks like them?

I admit, I can tolerate people I don't know just to get things done, but having to work with some one constantly, getting to know them....I'd go insane with all their habits and thoughts and..everything. I'm starting to get worried that I'm ever gonna end up with anyone at all. I can be so picky and anal.

But I do tolerate my friends....so maybe I'm not at a complete loss. To whomever meets me in the future: good luck handling me. I'm way to sassy to be dealt with.

1 box down

I finally finished packing my first box for college today. It's not even going to college with me. It's staying in the garage. But at least it's done. That's one box down, and a ton more to go. I didn't know I had so much crap in my room, and in my room alone.

I also signed up for some institute classes today to fill up the rest of my summer. I have doctrine and covenants on mondays and wednesdays, and jubilation choir on tuesdays and thursday with the special ed kids :) I'm excited to work with them.

And then I have dance tuesdays-thursdays, and piano on mondays, so my week is pretty much full, thank goodness. I'm starting to get really bored with life. Especially now that a certain some one is out of it...kind of.

Don't you want to stay?

I told him.

Not sure how I feel.

Sad?

Upset?

Regretful?

No. I shouldn't feel any of these.

The weight has been lifted.

Kind of.

I don't just want to be friends though.

But he doesn't know what he wants.

Personally, I think that shows immaturity.

But I can't tell him that.

It'd probably ruin his pride.

Probably.

Which is why I wrote about it in my other blog.

I still wish I was gutsy.

Gutsy enough to tell him he's a wuss.

Gutsy enough to just...make things happen for me.

But I get to continue to wait.

Wait for the one.

Wait for life.

Give me life.

Or give me death.

But really, I'd prefer life.

So hurry.

Because I want to move on.

Life moves too slow.

PS

"Don't you want to stay here a little while?"

Does the world exist?

I don't know what's gotten into me. I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out. What happened? Did I really lose all of my friends? Does no one really want to talk to me anymore? Or is it all in my head? Will some one please show that they care? I've tried to reach out to every one. But no one's really responding. . .

Tell me!

"I missed you today."

"What?"

"I missed you today."

"You missed me today? Why?"

"I dunno. I just wanted to hang out with you today, but you were so far away."

If you miss me, talk to me. Don't get me wrong, that's sweet and all. But I'd appreciate some acknowledgment of my existence every now and then. If you miss me, do something about it. Don't just tell me that you do.

No More

I can't just live like this. I can't pretend that I don't have feelings for this guy, and turn around and just wish I was with him.

He's playing with my heart, and to be honest, I don't like it.

I don't need another Zack or another Tingey.

I'm through with pretending that there is nothing between us. I know there is, but he doesn't want to admit to it.

I feel the need to just...Tell him that yes, I do have feelings for him. No, if we're not going to do anything about it then I can't see him anymore. It's only fair. I feel like I'm holding out just to get a chance with him. But why? Maybe I've already had my chance with him. Maybe it's his turn to want a chance with me.

But could I move on to some one knew? I'm not too sure. But if I'm wanting to get married, I can't wait for a guy who's going to put me on hold.

I need some one who's going to WANT to be with me. And not just put me as the "second task," or whatever you want to call it.

It's a one-sided relationship. I've dealt with those. I don't need it. I need some one who wants to do anything for me as much as I want to do anything for him.

How dare you play the age card. How dare you say that three years is a big difference. That we're at different points in our life. That you need to date for marriage. I'm probably closer to getting married than you are! I'm probably more ready for marriage than you think you are! I've been ready to settle down and have kids (mentally) for years now. At least I'm not scared to admit that I want some one. At least I'm not scared to commit. At least I'm not scared to take the next step into life, the only thing that's holding me back is the wait!

The thing I am scared of. . .is telling this to him to his face.

PS

"You know you can't give me what I need, and even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything."

Uneasy

I want to talk to him. I do. But I feel like I'm just...talking to talk. I can't tell him what's really on my mind. I'm scared of him thinking I'm weird, or insecure, or annoying, or whatever else. I'm scared of losing him as a friend. But at the same time...I want more than just friendship.

But what does he want? I get a friend vibe after a date. But when we hang out..it's like all we want from each other is physical. And it's not like we come out and say that or actually do it. I can tell that's what we want just by the looks we give each other. The tension we suddenly feel when we get too close together. And this could, and usually does, happen when we're with his sister or other people.

I feel trapped. In a bad way. I feel so free and happy when I text him, and he's actually talking back, not just making small talk. He makes me a giggly girl again. When I'm not in contact with him. I feel like a woman approaching her middle age. Going no where with life, no family, no job. . .as if I really am a woman who has done nothing with her life. Like I lost my childhood. But he helps me rediscover it.

I always text first though. Always. And I don't want to be a nuisance. But I know that I already am.

I don't know what to do.

Off My Chest. Finally.

I personally think it's about time to reveal the woes of my past relationship.

I think I really am completely over it. But just to make sure, I need to get it all out of my system on this. I think it'll really help. That way I feel like I'm not just bottling up what happened in my soul. It's out in the open and any one can see what h

appened if they really wanted. This is going to be an extremely long post. And more than likely, no one is going to get through it all. But at least I will.

I met Zack in London, July 6th, 2009. Well, more like the airport in SLC, but I never talked to him until London. I didn't think much of him. At first glance to me, he wasn't that all attractive. Really tall, big nose, big head, a little on the h

eavy side, dark hair, dark eyes. Not at all my type. So I didn't pay much attention to him at all. First conversation w

e had, I think, was that I was allergic to seafood, and that's w

hy I wouldn't eat fish and chips. So I ordered sausage and chips instead, and he ended up eating half of my food. Then I didn't talk to him again until a week later in Switzerland. He was still...weird to me. Too weird.

But when we got to Germany another week later, he began to grow on me. I realized he was really funny, kind of a sweetheart, and just...all around different. I got a crinkle (in case you don't know what that it, is the miniature version of a crush). I felt my first stab of jealously when I saw him leaning up against the wall over my best friend on tour, Natisha. I wished I was her. But I didn't say anything. I remember her coming ba

ck to my room, asking what was going on between her and Zack, especially since I knew that he already had a girlfriend back home. She said nothing, and, if I remember correctly, she hoped nothing would. And I kind of took that a

s the okay to flirt with him for the next week in Greece, as everyone else, including Natisha, flew back home to Utah.

Greece was amazing. And I think even more so becau

se I was completely infatuated. My little crinkle blew into a crush. I wished, then, that he wouldn't have had a girlfriend. I felt terrible... like the "other woman." But I couldn't help falling for him. He was hilarious, had fairly good insight, and was easy to make fun of. And he was kind. He endured 2-3 hours worth of shopping around in the Plaka in Athens with me just to find one dress, and a pair of sandals. We snuck off together, went to the roof of the hotel, and played in the mist showers, took naps in

the sun, and looked at the Parthenon as the sun set into darkness.

I remember on our drive back to the hotel, we were listening to our iPods,

comparing music, and he could not stop making fun of how sissy and girly my music was. (Boy did that change).

He also bought a bracelet in Greece that I just LOVE

D and wanted for my own, so I would steal it, and we'd alw

ays have a game at trying to get it back, even on the several plane rides home. We had lunch together during our 6 hour layovers in Detroit, and rode the Red express train back and forth through the airport, and played Ninja Destruction on the moving sidewalks.

When we finally got back into Salt Lake, he gave me his number, and told me I'd better text him, gave me a hug, and I assumed that was going to be it. But I texted him the next day, around 2 or 3 in the morning. Both of our sleep cycles were destroyed by jetlag. So we texted all night, nonstop. Asking questions, getting to know each other a little better, joke around a bit. I think we got to sending almost 1000 texts to each other a

day. It was insane.

Then we started to have Reunions with everyone from Europe, and I remember being just..so depressed. Natisha was always at the re

unions, and I could tell that Zack really liked her. Like u

sual, I was second. Sloppy second, never first. I cried myself to sleep for a while. But I was always the one talking to Zack, not Natisha. And after a few weeks, Zack told me he thought he had more feelings for me. We hung out more, he came to my house, I went to his. We attended football games, and so on. Finally, on August 20th, 20

09, we decided to officially become a couple. Through text, no less. I wasn't too pleased

, but it was better than nothing.

But I didn't know he hesitated to become my boyfriend because he was still with his exgirlfriend, doing God know's what

with her... He was no virgin. I know that. But I looked passed that, and thought that maybe this guy was worth it.

On August 22nd, 2009, we had another reunion, thi

s time at Natisha's house. I thought everything was going to be perfectly fine..until we got there. Zack was all over he

r, flirting with her, tickling her, stealing her phone, pulling her close, having his arm around her while watching a movie...all in front of me. I was s

o pissed, upset, and betrayed. How could he, only 2 days into our relationship?

I pulled him off of her and took him and Mikelle home that night...I didn't say a word to him, and I swore the rest of the way home. Mikelle was shocked, obviously. She had never heard me swear like a mad sailor before. I didn't just bawl that night. I was hysterical. The tears would not stop. I called my best friend, Ruthie, and asked her what I should do. I don't really remember her opinion...but I remember ca

lling Natis

ha, and told her the situation. She felt horrible. I called Zack and told him what he did.

His excuse? Old habit. I was so angry. But I decided that it would just be pointless to give up on the relationship now. So I forgave him, told him I'll get over it eventually, and look past it for the time being. What a stupid mistake.

Things were shaky for a bit. I had a hard time trusting him, but I tried. The relationship in itself was hard to maintain, especially since he didn't have a car, or a license for that fact. Zack was 5 months older, and I was designated driver. I

drove to West Jordan and back to Bountiful every single day. It was exhausting, especially in my '82 Ford Truck that couldn't go faster than 55 miles an hour. But we made it work.

In November 2009, I found out that he was still in contact with his exgirlfriend, and her best friend, Laura. I also found out that he used to like Laura, so obviously, I wasn't comfortable with the situation. For my birthday, w

e all went to Vegas to celebrate, and I told him one morning that I thought he should just lay off talking to them for a couple weeks just so I can get myself together and see what I was really okay with.

But also....something amazing happened in Vegas. We were on Fremont....looking at the LED light show that they have. "Born to be Wild" was the song they played that year. I remember looking up at Zack through my camera, taking a picture, and realizing that there was no one else I wanted in the world. Just him. That he could be the one. I fell in love with him, but I didn't want to say I loved him just yet...That's why we came up with the term "Luvke." inbetween like and love.

A couple weeks passed, and I finally decided that I just could not have Zack talking to those two girls, especially with how much of a flirt he was, and his history with those girls. He agreed, and I thought the problem was settled.

Now, I started getting sick. Really sick. I missed most of my junior year. I had always known I had a heart problem, but I never knew the severity of it until that year. I was in the emergency room almost every weekend, maybe a couple times every other week as well, just for the pain that I was having. If I could compare the pain to anything...think heart attack. But even though I was in the hospital so much......I had to beg Zack to come visit me. I just wanted the one person I loved the most to be there in my hour of need, and he would always say he's busy watching movies, or

playing pool, or sledding with his friends. Maybe

it's me.....but I don't think I need to beg...and I don't think a boyfriend should grudgingly visit his girlfriend after she's come out of the hospital.

Then in December 2009/January 2010, I found out that he was talking to his ex and Laura again. Behind my back. My trust was already shot, and this made it worse. But I loved him enough to tell him I'll look past it, and just make sure he didn't do it again. But things never really recovered for us. Sure, we loved each ot

her...at least from my point of view....and we hung out every day, did almost everything imaginable in Utah. But we fought a lot. Mainly because I can be picky, but also because he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing....hanging out with girls he liked alone....back talking me to his friends....letting his friends call me such horrid names....and I was scared I was going to lose him. I was so stupid.

So, for spring break, I decided it would be good for us to just...get away. So I took him to New York. We spent the week there, just the two of us, at my aunt's house. Going all over the city. And everything seemed to be okay. I remember talking to him a couple days before we were going to fly home....and he said he planned on breaking up as soon as we got back. But for some reaso

n, we didn't. But our fights weren't getting any better. After he graduated high school, we were going to go on another trip to the grand canyon with my family. But our fight was so bad....we broke up for the weekend.

To get things out of the dark, yes. Zack

was a little violent. I got a few bruises. He said awful things to me. But I remember the time I was most scared of zack...I was sitting in his computer chair in his room during our fight, and he was so enraged, he got up tipped my chair almost all the way back and was just....shaking me. His eyes.....I can't forget the look in his eyes. As if he'd like nothing better than to just take a knife to me.

And let the records show that Zack is 6'2" and about 220 pounds. At that point, I was only 5'3" and 100 pounds. He was more than twice my size.

Anyway, back to the story. During our 3

day break...he decided to go clubbing, had a contest with his friends to see how many girls they could dance with, and he won. And swore he wouldn't get back with me. But he did...

I remember talking to him. Deciding whether to break up or not. I tried to keep us together, but for a brief part of the conversation, we were content on staying apart. And I remember him..crying. One of the only times I saw that. I asked him why.

"I'm going to miss this. I'm going to mis

s your face, your hair, your little quirk you have in your fingers as if you're always playing the piano, your scar on your shoulder, your beautiful eyes, our fun together..I'm going to miss us."

And that about broke my heart. It was one of the only times I made a boy cry. And I felt awful.

We did end up going to Grand Canyon together. And like usual, or family got into a fight, and my dad almost attacked me, and Zack, being as loving as he could be, was about to jump in front of me and take my own father down. And I just loved him even more for that. This was in June of 2010.

June 28th is his birthday. I did everything I could to make it amazing. 18 is a big deal, I guess. I took him horseback riding, we had a romantic night....I did everything that made him happy. But I also was finding out around that same time that he was talking to Laura again, behind my back. I was frustrated. But I tried to look past it, like usual. But things went all wrong at his family's birthday dinner.

I wasn't feeling well, but I knew I had to go. So I tried to suck it up. I was already upset about Laura, but I tried to suck it up. But at dinner, Zack decided to ignore me through out all of dinner. So I was upset. I went to a restaurant that served mainly seafood while I was sick and upset just for him, and he ignore me. I had to excuse myself so I could go cry in the bathroom. I came back, and Zack tried to act all concerned for me, and as we got up to leave, he tried to put his arm around my waste like he usually did....but I refused. And to this day, I still wish I hadn't.....and I don't know why.

That night, his family got into a huge fight, and Zack was instructed to take me back to his house. I didn't talk to him on the drive over, and I figured the best thing for him was just to leave him alone, so as soon as we got back to his house, I just sat on the curb, called my mom, and asked for her to pick me up. Zack came out of the house, yelled at me..telling me how ridiculous I was, how I ruined everything, how awful of a person I was, and I believed him. So I just started walking down the street to give him space. Halfway down, he pulled up to me in his car, telling me that I better get in. And of course...I was scared, so I got in. We fought and we hardly got to Redwood Road when he decided that It was time for me to get out.

And he left me there. On Redwood Road at 9:00 at night, by myself, in West Jordan. He went back to his stepmom's place. I ran after his car, scared to death. I was in a short dress, and already getting cat calls from guys across the street. I ran as best as I could without my heart giving out. I only got from 7000 s to 7800 s when I was getting calls from everyone. My mom and dad, his mom and dad, and his step brother and step sister. All of them telling me they are trying to calm Zack down, trying to help me out, trying to keep the relationship alive...but I already knew I was at a loss.

We didn't talk for a couple days after that. And finally, I came over to apologize to him, and we planned the day of our official break up. July 21st, 2010. A day after our 11 month anniversary.

The days leading up to our anniversary were bittersweet. The night before...I found out he was going to visit Laura. I was uncomfortable, but I couldn't do anything. I asked, for my sake, that he'd leave by midnight. And he agreed. When midnight rolled around, I called and asked if he had left yet.

"um, no, I haven't. I lost Cinder, I have to find her." Cinder was his new puppy he adopted from the Humane society. I got worried. I didn't want Zack out alone on the street looking for Cinder at such a late hour. I wanted to at least help. But as soon as I called back, his phone was off. I was scared, worried to death about his safety, so I did what I did best with him, and cried. Finally around 3 in the morning, he turns his phone back on, and I asked what happened.

"Oh, I didn't really lose Cinder. I was still at Laura's. I just didn't want to have to deal with you, especially because I wanted to stay longer with her. "

It hurt. we only had one more night together, and this was how he wanted to end it.

Our date that day was....

We went to "Jump On It" in Lindon. He made me a bunny at build-a-bear with a personalized voicebox in it.

"I love you, Mary Jane." That's what I hear every time I press it's paw. And it's a lie. Right now, it's hidden somewhere underneath all my other stuffed animals in a loft above my room by the attic. I don't have the heart to take it down. Though I'd really love to mail it back to him...that would make my day.

Then our relationship was "over." But that didn't stop us from hanging out. We became friends with benefits. But he was very rude to me ever since.

I decided that one night in my life, I just needed to be bad. So I snuck out, and met him at 1 in the morning. We went to walmart, got some food, and went back to his house. We stayed up all night....and I was happy, kind of. Not really. Around 9 o'clock, he started ignoring me again. So I went out and sat on the curb in front of his house, and cried in the pouring rain. I came back in, and we started fighting again. Then finally, he said something that cut deep.

"No Mary Jane, I don't love you. I love Laura."

I ran. Ran to my car, and drove. All I wanted to do at that point was just get in a car accident and kill myself. I was suicidal. I had been before, but I had never been so close to committing....

So I drove myself to my mom's work and told her to take me to the hospital.

I was on house arrest for a month or so. Forced to see a therapist. Forced to take antidepressants. Antidepressants that kept me up, which is no good since I already have 2 sleeping disorders.

The first day of my senior year, he came over with our parents to formally end things. We said our goodbyes, and had a pact that we were not allowed to make contact with each other for at least 90 days.

I was 95 pounds. When I first met Zack, I was 128. I dropped 33 pounds because of him. the last 15 within a week.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I threw up everything. And when I did sleep, I dreamt of Zack. Nightmares. Him telling me how awful I was, breaking my heart over and over again, and even some of us fighting to the point where he actually killed me. I slept with my mom for a month. At least. I lost my best friend. I lost the man I thought I was going to marry. We had talked about it after all. If we were both graduated from highschool, and we were still together, than we might as well.

I cried every day. I was miserable. And I found that I was completely alone with out him. I didn't have any friends at school because I had secluded my life to just him in my Junior year.

It took a while, but I was starting to become happy again. I started dating Justin Tingey. Sure, it was just for a bet of his, but his crap kinda helped me get over Zack's crap.

And then my birthday came. November 18th, 2010, Zack contacted me.

"Happy Birthday =)" word. for. word. ha. I remember opening my phone, seeing the number and then the message....and I just cried. Of everything in the world, Zack was the one to bring me to my hands and knees just because he said happy birthday. And I started talking to him again. I said thanks, asked how life was.....and everything just started up again, but we never put a title back on ourselves. Open relationship: I HATE THEM. He came over that night to watch the Hangover with me and Amanda, while every one else when to the Harry Potter 7 pt 1 premier. And as soon as he left, I cried again. Amanda thought I was stupid to let him come over, and she was right.

Zack texted me a week after that telling me that I should go for him again. I already was. We started going on dates again, started hanging out almost every day again. For Christmas, he got me a replacement treble clef necklace made out of 10 karat diamonds. I ended up being allergic to it, haha. On new years, I lost the promise ring he had bought me a half a year back. And he promised to get me a new one.

But I was having problems with Laura. Zack talked to her constantly. He said he didn't like her anymore. But I didn't believe that.

We had planned a date one night. He was going to take me ice skating, because I had to practice for my competency test, but he called last minute and said he was feeling sick. I found out the next morning on facebook that he spent the night with Laura and her friends instead. We moved our date to monday. But he called monday and said that he couldn't go. He had to go home and watch a game with his dad. I remember telling him that he'd better be telling the truth. That I didn't want to find out later that he was actually sneaking over to Laura's behind my back. He promised he wasn't.

His promises mean nothing. He came over on tuesday. We sat on my bed and watched 500 days of summer, I think. So..serendipitous. That was our first date..we went to go see that movie in theaters, haha. Everything seemed alright. We flirted, we kissed, he tickled me. The usual. he went home. An hour later, I get a text message.

"I have to be honest with you. I have been seeing Laura behind your back. I love her. I did go see her yesterday, I just wanted to be with her. Last saturday, we cuddled, and we kissed. I'm not stopping what's happening between me and Laura. We're over."

None of my friends know the pain I went through that night. I screamed. I clawed myself. I tore up my own artwork. Zack and I were so close...emotionally and, sadly, we got a little too far physically. And to have to find out I was losing him to Laura, once again....I didn't want to live.

Every one at school knew something was up. I couldn't hide it. I cried through all of my classes.

Choir was hard. Chamber was hard. We were having auditions for the Valentine's concert, and Joe Maloy and I were practicing "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. It's Zack and my song. I was going to sing it for him for the concert as a surprise. And I didn't think I could go through with the audition. But I didn't want to hold back that chance for Joe either. So I went ahead an auditioned with that song. And yes, we did get the spot in the concert, and we were awesome.

But I didn't have closure with Zack. He wasn't answering my phone calls, so I called from my mother's phone.

"Hello?"

"Zack, I need to talk to you."

He sighed, "No, I don't want to talk."

*click*

Usually, my rash decisions are pretty good. So I went with it. I had my mom drive my over to the place he was currently living (with friends), and knocked. He answered and asked me what I was doing there.

"Oh, it's you. Why are you here?"

"I need closure. You can't expect to have you're last word through text."

"well that's too bad. because I did."

"Look, can we just talk in private?"

"No." Keep in mind this was in front of about 8 friends of his. I tried to grab his arm to pull him down stairs, but he gripped my wrist instead.... He twisted my arm back behind me, and it killed. The pain was excruciating. I screamed. And his friends tried to get him off me, but he just would not let go. And I was definitely not strong enough to get him off of me. So I bit him. Hard enough to make him release a little out of reflex, but not hard enough to hurt him. I took a few steps back, gave his 10 karat diamond necklace to some friend, and ran off.

And I felt good. I went to his step brother's house. Told him what happened, said my goodbyes, and went to Zack's dad's house to get everything I painted for zack back. I loved those paintings, and I wanted them. I didn't want them to lay wasted in the back of his closet. It was the closure I needed.

Sure, I was heartbroken. Sure, I cried a little more. But I got over it more quickly this time.

I still think about him sometimes. As much as he hurt me, I still hope he's happy with Laura. I hope that they have a better relationship than we did. Because I know that my next boyfriend and I will have a much better relationship.

I love Zack....but it's just so hard to picture us together. I find it weird that we were even together. I just can't see it. At all. we look weird, and awkward.

I did see him at an ADTR concert. Back in March. That freaked me out. Made me a little mad, but because of him, I got a free VIP box ticket during the concert. So it was for the better. :)

He did contact me a month or so ago. Telling me I was immature for sending his family a graduation announcement. Haha, I politely told him that he was the one being immature, and that I didn't want him making contact with me again.

I haven't been so happy....since Europe of 2009. New life, new people. Whether anything starts with a certain some of them or not, who knows? At least I can honestly say that yes, I have baggage, but I have no need to carry it. I left it at the airport and plan on using whatever comes to me.

I don't regret Zack. I'm not ashamed of Zack. Zack taught me to grow up. He showed me everything I didn't want in my future husband. And I'm glad that he's not the one I'm going to marry.

That and I don't cry as much as I used to. Except for during really good movies... :)

I love life. I love life without Zack. I love life with the people I have in it.

I barely think about him anymore. I felt bad the other day because it's been more than a week since his birthday, and I completely forgot that it even happened. Haha. I guess that's just good news though.

I really am over him. I'm proud of myself. And I've been ready for the next chapter in my life to start for months now.

So future husband, it would be very much appreciated if you would show yourself now :) Because I'm almost ready.

Almost.

Cry

I had myself a good cry just barely. My life is a mess.

I wish I had just..one constant physical being in my life that I can just...spill my heart to, and not worry about them thinking I'm weird, needy, clingy, or have a lot of baggage.

Well...I may be a couple of those things, but I need some one that won't care.

Zack...back in the middle of our relationship..was kinda like that. Except he'd just sit there, listen, then tell me to get over it.

I need somebody who can feel my pain, my loss, my heartache, my confusion, even my love. Tell me that yes, life does suck at the moment, but it'll all be better. I need them to tell me that I am a strong person and that they'll help me through. I need them to wrap their arms around me hug me tight and kiss my forehead; making me feel much more secure. Because at the moment. . .I feel I might fail.

Relationships (whether they be romantic or just friendship) may be messy, but when the world seems to have rid your life of them. . .do you finally realize that you'd rather be in a messy relationship than all on your own.

P.S.

Click the title "Cry." This is the song I learned a dance to in hip hop today. So fitting.

Cry With Me Tonight

Suddenly, I feel very alone. Like I have no one to be with, no one to live for. No friends, no family that care. And this scares me. What type of person am I to make people I love run away? Am I really that monster I've kept hoping I'm not?

Do you cry as I do?

Scared to Death

Why is it, that every time I get home from a date...I have an uneasy feeling? Like I'm not supposed to be doing something. Whether it's not talking to him..or the fact that I actually need to talk to him..or maybe it's because we are just "make out" buddies, and I need some sort of reassurance that what's going on between us isn't just some fling. That there could possibly be some feelings between us. That it's just not purely physical.

I've come to realize that I really don't know anything about him. Sure, I'll ask valid questions about his current life. But life before his mission...I have no idea. I feel like I'm just trying to look past a haze of what he was and trying to imagine who he is with out having any sort of basis. Basically, I'm inventing a person I would like to be with.

But when we're together..it's so comfortable. So..easy, in a way. Sure things are a bit awkward when we first meet up with each other, but that may as well have been my fault. I get so caught up in my own nervousness that I can't ever be myself. My tongue swells, I get butterflies. The usual cliche stuff.

That's what I need to do. I need to just..go shopping. Go to the mall with him. Talk with him, joke with him, be out in public so we're not tempted to just mack each other. Get to know him.

But what if that's not what he wants to do? What if he's..just as scared to find out who I really am just as much as I am?

Things are far too complicated. Especially if high school drama is supposed to be over.

What the hell am I doing?

Stars

Soft blankets.

Fluffy pillows.

Damp grass in an open field, just down the hill a ways.

Just him and me and my laptop with a movie.

Nothing but the vast open world above.

Twinkling stars light the night.

80% of my pheromones emit from the top of my head? Really?

Stars turn to eyes. Beautiful.

Passionate. Thrilling. Uncontrollable.

Warm, soft lips.

Itchy mustache.

Dawn approaches.

The stars fade.

Not wanting it to end.

But I must return to that place where all of this seems impossible.