Scared to Death

Why is it, that every time I get home from a date...I have an uneasy feeling? Like I'm not supposed to be doing something. Whether it's not talking to him..or the fact that I actually need to talk to him..or maybe it's because we are just "make out" buddies, and I need some sort of reassurance that what's going on between us isn't just some fling. That there could possibly be some feelings between us. That it's just not purely physical.

I've come to realize that I really don't know anything about him. Sure, I'll ask valid questions about his current life. But life before his mission...I have no idea. I feel like I'm just trying to look past a haze of what he was and trying to imagine who he is with out having any sort of basis. Basically, I'm inventing a person I would like to be with.

But when we're together..it's so comfortable. So..easy, in a way. Sure things are a bit awkward when we first meet up with each other, but that may as well have been my fault. I get so caught up in my own nervousness that I can't ever be myself. My tongue swells, I get butterflies. The usual cliche stuff.

That's what I need to do. I need to just..go shopping. Go to the mall with him. Talk with him, joke with him, be out in public so we're not tempted to just mack each other. Get to know him.

But what if that's not what he wants to do? What if he's..just as scared to find out who I really am just as much as I am?

Things are far too complicated. Especially if high school drama is supposed to be over.

What the hell am I doing?