Husband List--in progress

1. He must be a Return Missionary

2. He must have a strong testimony

3. He must attend church on a regular basis

4. He must be a worthy priesthood holder

5. He must be kind

6. He must be a gentleman (opening doors, etc)

7. He must be musical (singing is a requirement :) and I would love for him to play another instrument. Preferably piano, or cello. Mainly because those are my favorite instruments)

8. He must have a very calm temper. Hardly ever gets mad.

9. He must be a driven man. School, work, family.

10. He must always put family and the church first.

11. He must be a great listener.

It Almost Rained

Kind of really bummed right now. "Tyson" told me today that he can't do choir anymore :(

What am I gonna do?

Cry. Almost.

Go out with a BANG!

I had a great ending to a terrible weekend. :) Not only did I get to sing for L. Tom Perry this evening, and listen to his amazing talk, but I also finally got some one-on-one time with "Tyson." We had a lovely conversation in the car, and I like him that much more now. I have never been so excited to go on our date this friday. :D

He talked about how his parents were perfect for each other, because they are kind of opposites, and as he was pointing things out, I couldn't help but notice that you could apply the same things to us as well. I can cook, he can't. I am quite punctual, he's not so much. And so on. I really think there is some serious potential here. And I can' t wait to find out if anything ends up between the two of us. I have a good feeling that there will.

He also showed me his secret route home tonight. It was the most beautiful view of the Salt Lake Temple I have ever seen. Thank you, "Tyson," you and L Tom Perry made my entire weekend :)

Who Am I?

So far, this weekend hasn't exactly been the best. It started out alright, and I'm hoping it'll end alright. The middle was complete crap though.

You see..I got my wallet and my phone stolen yesterday. In cafe rio. In salt lake. I am never going there again. :( Two of my friends went into the men's bathroom and found my purse dumped in the sink, and I was very depressed. They stole my driver's license, my student ID, my debit card, my insurance card, my phone, my life. I'm just...not a happy camper right now.

I have been considering lying about my age this week...I mean, because I have no form of identification, why not be something different, right? ha...That way maybe my age difference between "Tyson" and I won't seem as...unattractive...

Because I don't have my things, it means that I can't get into my building to, you know...go to bed and get changed and shower and live and stuff....and I can't drive. And because I don't have my phone, I have no way of contacting any one. So I have to live with my mom and let her know when she needs to drop me off and come and get me. I swear, it's like elementary school all over again.

But I'm very thankful for the few friends that helped me out yesterday. To them, I am eternally grateful. Especially Miss Lindsay. She's my savior. She kind of made the whole night better. I dunno where I would be without her. So thanks, hon.

So again, I hope things will get a little better over the next week.....I'll be praying a lot.

By the way... "Tyson" called back...and said yes. :)

Don't Call.

So, I'm kind of feeling like an idiot right now. This guy I really like...let's call him Tyson...is in a choir of mine. And I seriously think he's the best guy I've met in college. We've hung out once outside of class, and it was pretty good. Nothing special. Just a movie with a bunch of other friends. But I've been feeling the need to ask him on a date for the past week. So I tried today.

It took me about..oh, I'd say 3 hours to get the guts up just to call him.

And of course, he didn't answer. So I just left a ridiculous message on his phone. And he hasn't called back yet. Now, I know he's busy and that he has a life and all, but I'm just feeling very vulnerable right now. It's been an hour or so. And usually he takes a LONG time to get back. But still. I kind of wish I didn't do anything.

I'm worried that he'll say no. But I'm even more worried that he won't call back.

Needs An Awesome Folk Tune

Tell me what you think?:

A smile so pure of pearly whites

A sound of music I've never heard

A sparkle in your glance

Leaves me fleeting, hopelessly

For unfamiliar territory

Will the stars align for us

And answer the unasked questions

Fulfill a craving that my hands can't touch

The hands of comfort to wipe away

The unshed tears of loneliness

I'm hoping, wishing, wanting things that cannot be

The possibilities of actuality slip away

Leaving me to face the infamous reality

Of empty laughs and hardened eyes

Cold hands, cold heart

Awkward

Today has been kind of an awkward day.

I had work, and it was great. Only because I saw a certain somebody in the last few minutes of my shift. And on top of it all, we texted a bit tonight :) it made me extremely happy. But what made it awkward was the fact that I went to sleep over at Kelly's for general conference, and he was home. With a girl. And it's amazing how jealous I can get, just sitting here, watching them put their heads close together and whispering. They aren't cuddling, but they may as well should be. I find it slightly annoying, but there is nothing I can really do about it. I don't understand why I'm jealous. I have this new guy to look forward too. We're going to party sometimes soon. Hopefully.

But I guess I'm going to have to work harder to get rid of my feelings for you-know-who.

weird.

more on this awkward situation tomorrow!

Masters in China

I wrote this yesterday...so in case the tense doesn't make sense..

Today, I woke up and felt like crying. There was quite literally no time in-between me opening my eyes and then sinking into the ground. All of a sudden, for the past couple of days, I've become more aware of my loneliness. Cupcakes, friends, school....they are fun but not fulfilling.

I went and visited a couple friends last night, down in Provo. I never realized how much I miss them. But what made it difficult on me was seeing them with their boyfriends. I watched and this emptiness within me grew. And then their talk of family...

On top of it all, I'm going back into those kind of relationships we had with boys back in junior high; where I am crushing terribly on the popular boy, he knows I exist, but there is not click. He probably has a girlfriend anyway, with how perfect and amazing he is.

There's a song by Priscilla Ahn that kind of explains how I'm feeling. The lyrics, I think, are quite beautiful:

You've always been bashful, you're just that way

But your eyes are like billboards, they give you away

Your mouth is a trumpet, somebody else plays

Long after the notes gone, the tone usually stays

And your chest a fine pillow, with lining of feathers

Your hair is a family, with strands stick together

Fingers are keys from the grandest piano,

played by a line that the Lord only know

A tongue of an angel, floats in red wine saliva

Your teeth ravel porcelain, made by masters in China

Your face can't be captured by picture or words

And your voice is a music that I've never heard

And your skin is a cream, dipped out beyond measure

Your nose is a pink color, touched by the weather,

your fingers are keys from the grandest piano

Played by a soul that the Lord only knows

For the past few weeks, I've been wanting to write my own beautiful, lyrical poem, and maybe eventually turn it into a song....I'll try that this weekend.

A Personal Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know I've asked a lot of you lately. And as I look back on it, things may have been a little selfish and undeserving. But I could really use the help this time. And I felt the need to write it out, so I can organize my thoughts a little better, and make sure I don't leave out anything. For my own sake.

I agree with the fact that my life has definitely taken a 180 flip since...2009. And I'm working at bettering myself every day. You know that. You're the only one who truly sees that. I want to be better. I desire the ability to do what I was once able to do. And I agree that I am much happier than just a year or two ago. But there is still this emptiness within me.

Now people tell me everyday that I'm young. Too young. But I beg to differ. I believe I have an old soul. A soul years older than the body it resides in. And you and I both know what this soul longs for.

I don't expect things to go my way. Ever. But it would be nice if something just...turned out right. No offense, but I'm tired of having things fall through--of things being executed, but failing epically.

Life is extremely difficult at home. And that's a big issue for me. There's really no place that I can turn to and say "This is home. I feel safe. I feel happy." And right now, there's nothing else in the world I could want more than to have a home (yes, maybe even of my own) to feel welcome in. A home to feel the spirit. But I can't accomplish this alone.

I need guidance through this tough time. Guidance to help me keep my mother and sisters on their feet. Guidance to help me make the right choices. Guidance to chose the right person...

I ask nothing more than guidance and peace.

I am ready.

Love,

Mary Jane

For the Better

I had a weird day. Today, i actually just...followed my instincts. I felt like I shouldn't go to Bio. I felt like I needed to go home. And I felt like I needed to go to costco. And I have no idea why. But i did it. But I guess it kind of helped. I've been feeling a bit depressed for the past couple days. And I felt better after it all. Life has it's reasons.

Word of advice: just follow that voice in your head. more than likely, it's probably for the better.

Change of Scenery

well. I finally told him the truth. we hung out last night, and i promised myself I wasn't going to kiss him. but i did. because I'm stupid. I feel eh...I don't know. happy, because now I can date people without feeling i'm in a messed up relationship with him. but at the same time....i'm kinda mad at what he said to me. he pulled the age card again. which is dumb. it made me pissed. but i finally opened up to him and half/told him some intimate details about the darkest part of my life. and I had a really fun time with him last night. so everything is just kind of messed up right now.

and I have a date in less than an hour. so...i don't know how much fun i'm going to be.

I hate how he does this. I'm always in a bad mood after i drop him off. gah.

he'll see some day. he'll see that he needs to change. hopefully.

some words of endearment would help.

Don't Bug Me.

I'm trying to get the guts up to ask Tyler on a date this saturday. Amanda and I are going to the Berillious Requiem Concert, and we both have extra tickets to take dates. So that's our deal. I would really like to ask Tyler. But I'm a wimp. I just can't. We were trying to introduce ourselves to everyone in the choir today, and Tyler came up to me and pointed his finger to me, as if ready to ask me what my name was, but some one else answered for me, and I just kind of moved on. I couldn't talk to him. It was one of the most exhilarating instances in my life since I started college.

I also am starting some study dates with a guy named Peter. :) no, not Peter Parker. I actually don't know his last name yet. All I know is that he got back from his mish 4 weeks ago, he went to Iceland/Denmark, and he went to East High. And that he has a little sister my age. But he's cute. and sweet. And I officially like my math classes now.

Also, over the weekend, I did a retreat. Kind of like a leadership conference for LDSSA. It was way fun. And there was this guy...named Jake. Just Jake. I don't know his last name either. He goes to SLCC, and he sings fairly well. And I got a crinkle on him that night. But I never got his number, and I didn't see him in the morning. So I guess it's one of those "Perfect-Nights-With-A-Complete-Stranger-And-Never-See-Them-Again" kind of deal.

And I don't want to date HIM (you know). But yet...I still feel angry and annoyed and...ignored when he doesn't text back for 2 hours. I understand he's busy. And he has a life too. But it's still annoying. Maybe it's just him. Maybe He's just beginning to bug me.

Oh Pickle Juice.

Kind of in a pickle.

I told him he could come up for a concert.

I volunteer for the concert.

I might get to meet the bands?

He wants to meet the bands.

I have to meet ASUU by 3:30.

I get out of class at 2:50.

I have to pick him up.

I don't want to pick him up.

He has to volunteer to meet the groups too?

I don't know if I want him to come any more.

Maybe I should just tell him that it was cancelled.

Give my tickets to some one cool.

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Dreaming Nonsense

The other night, I had a dream that an unrelated (as in not blood-related) cousin of mine asked me to marry him. I had no idea who he was, or that he even liked me before then. And for some stupid reason, I said yes. I started spending more time with him, and I just...had to learn to like him. It was kind of bizarre. But I felt like I was cheating on him, because I just wanted to be with what's-his-face (the one every one wants to punch). But I was going to go through with the marriage any way.

Luckily, for me, this cousin doesn't actually exist. My messed up subconscious made him up.

Usually, (but only recently), I don't remember my dreams. And the one's I do remember...I feel like I need to pay attention, because they've got to be there for some reason. And usually I'm right. The dreams I remember end up telling me something important about my future. But what I don't understand is what this one is trying to tell me.

I need some psychological help. Where's Joseph when you need him?

Bad, MJ.

Today, I figured out that I cannot work in a quiet environment. I'm in the library, and I was trying to find a good quiet place to study, and I found one! The area was even labeled "quiet study area." Score!

But I was wrong. I got in, and I felt like a nuisance. My flip flops were too loud even. I sat down, got my mythology book out as quietly as possible, and started reading. But after 5 minutes, I just felt really uncomfortable and noisy. Like any move I made would turn the students in that room into an angry mob, and they would chase me out of the library. So I left. So much for my quiet study time. I found a nice place where I don't have to be as quiet. The air flows better here.

I think I'm going to kick him to the gutter. But I don't know. Every time I say that, we always end up back here again. Either he keeps coming back, or I just say hi once, and we're hanging out again. I don't want to lose him as a friend. So I'm going to have to say hi every once in a while. I'll have to see if he still wants to come up for Redfest. If so, I'll tell him the bad news after the concert. If not, then I guess I'll just...not text him anymore. I won't give him any warning. I think he's better off without me anyway. I'm kind of a bad influence on him. Bad, mj.

Be Serious

I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Please.

Here's the situation. He came up yesterday, because we were going to do a photoshoot for a friend. But she cancelled, so we ended up just hanging out in my dorm. But he got flirty beforehand. When I went to go pick him up down in Provo, he was making fun of me, spraying me with water, tickling me, the usual flirtyness of a typical guy. But since we had that conversation of just being friends only a week ago, I thought it was him just being an annoying, rambunctious friend.

When we got to my dorm, he was playing with my hair, playing with my hands, tickling me too much. I knew something was up. Especially when he started kissing my hand. My roommate left, and it was just the two of us in my room, and I knew that he was going to kiss me whether I wanted to or not. Especially because he just grabbed my face and pulled me in.

So yeah. We made out. Something I was not expecting. At least not so soon after our "friend-talk." And on the drive home...it got weird. We were just telling each other stories about our past. And then he says:

"I want a serious relationship."

Just like that, out of nowhere. And at first it sounded like he wanted it with me. He was saying things like "I want a serious relationship so we don't have to go through this every time we see each other," and "I don't know how you feel about it," and "the last time we talked, you didn't want one with me because I wasn't ready to have one with you." and things like that. And he asked me what I was thinking, and I just told him I was confused, because just 7 days ago, he said he liked me better as friends. We don't talk for 6 days, he comes up on day 7, and now he want's a serious relationship? And he said:

"No, I didn't mean a serious relationship with you."

I just...Don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with some one like this? I mean, I like him, but he drives me crazy with his indecisive-and-convoluted-truthness. I don't want to just kick him to the curb, because I really do like him as a friend. If something were to emerge from this, then great, but right now....it's just a total mess.

Seriously, what would you do if a guy told you something like this?

Is It True?

Today I had a little epiphany. I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

My view on knowing it's true love:

I'm a musician. I play piano. I love it. Because I'm a musician, I enjoy the musical qualities of particular parts of songs. No, not enjoy, I relish the pure pleasure i get out of melodic beauty. Listening to a piece of music sends shivers down my spine, I am filled with an incomprehensible feeling that makes me just...ease my head back, close my eyes, take in a deep breath, and just feel the music resonating through every cell in my body. But the problem is, when I listen to beautiful music, I'm never fully satisfied with what I'm listening to. Not unless I play the music myself. When I play it, it's complete. I'm not only uplifted, and happy, but completely content. Perfect, in a way. I feel perfection. And that's how love should feel.

With most everyone, you are going to feel those shivers, you'll feel happy, and beautiful, but there's still that filling in the back of your throat, the pit of your stomach, that something is unfulfilled or missing. And until you feel that completeness. . .just enjoy it as it comes. Enjoy the music and it's beauty. When you finally get to play the music yourself, you'll be incandescently happy. Content. Peaceful.

This is an example of an (excuse my language) orgasmic song. My favorite part--what I was trying to explain above--is from 1:25 til 1:50. But the part that just gives me an indescribable feeling is from 1:37 to 1:50. It's amazing. Just listen to those strings.

Crushed

So, for my Dance 1075 class, I have to make up a 1-minute piece. It's supposed to be a self-portrait, and it's due on friday. I've created my dance, but I'm not too sure how I feel about it just yet. Proud that it's expressive, or depressed because what I'm dancing is true...

I don't even know if I like it. I'll have to video it and post it up sometime...

There is a lot of pushing away, dragging my feet, spinning in circles...etc

Oh, and apparently a lot of chest movement, according to one of my classmates. "You really like to express with your chest."

It'll be interesting. Solos and all....

ps. i have a crush on a boy named tyler :) I've always like the name tyler. :D I've been looking for an excuse to name a son tyler, because it would've been weird to do so, since zack's middle name was tyler. but now that i've found a cute boy to pin it on, i'm good!

I am an unripe tomato

So, I went to FHE today for our YSA up at uni, and...I had fun! Yeah, there are a mixture of cute boys here and there. But the problem is....I think they are all taken :/ or at least not interested.

I have the feeling that's how most of the boys on campus are going to be. Taken, or not interested. But mostly taken. It's the downside of being a freshman; all the older more mature men either have bands, or are about to get one.

I also hate being a freshman. Because you don't know ANYBODY. Yeah, I didn't know a single person at FHE tonight. I felt kinda betrayed by a couple girls that were supposed to come with me :( but I had fun nonetheless.

Another downside of being a freshman: boys don't care for you. They want the women who are older, more experience, closer to marriage. They don't stop to think that the youngin's like me may be ready as well. Their eyes just kinda pass over us as if we are just another unripe tomato. But it's okay. My time will come. I hope.

What Is Your Quest?

Not really sure how I felt about yesterday... I mean, I did have fun, but did I really have fun? Because if I really had fun, I wouldn't feel so unsure about the happenings of yesterday afternoon, you know? I guess...just a lot of the time...I wished we were there on a date, not a friend-date. I wanted to hold his hand in the movie. I wanted to walk with my arm around his waist. I think yesterday would have been a great day, if we were together. Just throw in a couple kisses, and some hand holding, and it would have been perfect. But I think I was just...wanting the impossible.

I want friendship with him. But I want more than just a friendship with him.

Goshdangitwoman! What do you want?!