Uneasy

I want to talk to him. I do. But I feel like I'm just...talking to talk. I can't tell him what's really on my mind. I'm scared of him thinking I'm weird, or insecure, or annoying, or whatever else. I'm scared of losing him as a friend. But at the same time...I want more than just friendship.

But what does he want? I get a friend vibe after a date. But when we hang out..it's like all we want from each other is physical. And it's not like we come out and say that or actually do it. I can tell that's what we want just by the looks we give each other. The tension we suddenly feel when we get too close together. And this could, and usually does, happen when we're with his sister or other people.

I feel trapped. In a bad way. I feel so free and happy when I text him, and he's actually talking back, not just making small talk. He makes me a giggly girl again. When I'm not in contact with him. I feel like a woman approaching her middle age. Going no where with life, no family, no job. . .as if I really am a woman who has done nothing with her life. Like I lost my childhood. But he helps me rediscover it.

I always text first though. Always. And I don't want to be a nuisance. But I know that I already am.

I don't know what to do.