wet-stricken pages

of a soul so deep

where secrets unfurl

the blackest horizon

lighter than the ink

no eyes shall see

but it wants to be read

come out dark secrets

expose yourself to the world

help will one day come

unless hidden away

beneath the dark cover

of a bleeding heart.

adventure!

so..i left my homework home today. and i really needed it for my test during third, and i was supposed to finish it during second period. i ask my teacher if i can run home. she let me. I get home, grab my homework, and get back in the car. i stop at seven eleven to get myself some hot chocolate. i get back to school, and my parking spot is taken. i go to the upper parking lot: no parking spaces. i turn out and turn into the main parking lot: my car started gliding in the wrong direction because there was snow blocking the entrance. i have no cup holder in my truck, so i'm driving with my steaming, searing hot hot chocolate. i try to get into the parking lot, but my truck gets stuck. the tires are caught in the snow, and they kept turning, and turning, and turning, and i don't move. Finally, after five minutes, i get into the parkinglot, and drive all over, trying to find a spot. I end up parking in the driver's range. i find out i'm practically out of gas. I get out of the car and walk to the building. 3 crows follow me there. what the crap?

reminiscing

Painted fingernails. D*elia's. Busch Gardens. Harry potter Quidditch computer games. Song writing. Long hair. Streaking. Sahara's. Make believe. Armpit hair. secret picnics. poetry, books. flipflops. body pillows. scale model house. green and purple. purple nails. ms. braza. guacamole. hiding rachel's stuff. recording what she says. bad smoker/throw-up breath. high school diplomas. mrs. krieps. global girls gazette. our "gymnastics program." s.n.e.l.p.ers. miniature pillows. sadko. curry chicken. allen jones. kearns. big, lazy brother that would never get off the freaking computer. fashion shows. birthday parties. facials. manicures. gay guy that did my pedicure hat wanted to hook up with your brother ."just because" :). yearbook drama. sarah dessen. boys. ireland, london. seeing harry potter 3 like....4 times in the same month. Paper mache. daniel radcliffe. liam aiken. in short: I. Miss. You.

something happens.

its my fault.

automatically.

the other messes up.

i forgive.

the other messes up.

i get blamed.

i get guilt.

but i still forgive.

no matter the pain.

i mess up.

i'm blamed.

i get guilt.

i have pain.

no one forgives.

dumb?

i think yes.

at school.
still sick.
hate life.
want hot chocolate.
want sleep.
want coloring books.
want oatmeal.
want silly stories.
want secret picnics.
want ruthie.

what. the. hell.

i went to the "gastro..whatever" specialist today. The PA that was helping me....pretty much one of the dumbest and most retarded bitch I think I've met. I told her my entire medical history since July, and how it was progressively getting worse, and that I'm losing a considerably large amount of weight. Yeah. guess what she said to me?
"Oh, Mary Jane, we really don't want to do anything at the current moment. We think this whole ill process is a way for your body to get better. We really think that whatever digestive problem you had is getting better. But I mean..if you want to run a scoping test, I'm sure there is no harm in that."
What a dumb bitch. First of all: I don't have a digestive track problem. Second of all: I am most definately not getting better if I'm still losing weight I'm weak, and sick, and still have reoccuring chest pains. Third of all: that the whole reason we went to that specialist was to get a stupid scoping test because the emergency room wanted me to. Fourth of all: You're a bitch. She had this whole tone of voice that made it seem like i didn't know any better, and that I was making all of this stuff up, and that it's far too "atypical" to really nail anything down and that all the pain and suffering I'm going through is a way to keep getting better. Well, miss-know-it-all-bitch, you won't be saying the same thing if I end up with another attack, or i completely vanish because I go under 100 pounds XP.

that is all.

:)

God made spaces between our fingers so some one else can fill the gap <3

Difficulties

When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic
When I'm sad, I'm doleful
When I'm deep in thought, I'm presuming
When I'm angry, I'm tumultuous.
When I empathize, I'm consoling.
When I say I'm sorry, I remorse
When I say I'd love to, I mean it from the bottom of my heart
When I say I love you, I mean it from the depths of my soul.
When I say it's true, you better believe it :)

I'm not too difficult. Take my emotion, and multiply it by a million. That's how i really feel.

These I have Loved

These I have loved:
Creamy chocolate, melted to form your eyes,
Dark, delicious, desirable;
Hands to hold; Face to caress;
Your voice, soundly singing off key,
Like a symphony playing two different songs;
A smile, so simple, like the sun,
Lights my life;
The smell of peppermint lingering,
Dancing its way through the threads of my clothes,
As you breathe on my shoulder;
Your wink, a spark heard only by me,
From across a room;
Our nerves tast our excitement;
Old spice, a nice greeting for old friends,
From cologne to nose;
Your back towards me, as you walk away,
A promise:
To see each other soon;
All these have been my loves.

The Fear Factor

Striking as it may be. It hunts, it kills, it hunts again. Its main purpose: destruction. But why? Why the pain? Why the fear? To help us learn. That's why. Why, without the experience it gives, we may never empathize. Without empathy, what are we really? Just another person saying, "I'm sorry." Everyone is always sorry. That's all any one ever seems to feel anymore. "I'm bored." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I hurt." "Oh I'm sorry." Sorry is boring, sorry hurts more than, "It'll be okay." Why the pain? Why the fear? To help us evolve from careless adolecents to wise and experienced adults.

It's You

"Some mysteries I will never understand: The way the earth rotates around the sun, three minutes shorter every day.Or the way the dead are gone by putting down a phone or turning the corner. The Future: Now that's another whopper. I can never know what we never know. Except: whoever you are, and whoever I am, you made it alright to be me."--Driving Lessons