speed bumps and stop signs

So, yesterday was quite the adventure for me. I had my first date with Jesse, and it was so much fun, haha. Jesse's got a very sarcastic personality, like me, so we get along just fine. But I was so nervous about the date that entire day. I found out that THE last guy I went on a date with is, "Tyson," is now engaged, and it kind of freaked me out. What if his girlfriend hadn't been in the picture when we went on that date? Would that have been me? And then I started getting scared for the date. What if I hate Jesse? What if we just don't connect? What if we do? What if this is my potential husband? And I could not eat yesterday to save my life. Not even on the date. I couldn't finish my slice of pizza, the smallest piece in the pie. But it turned out great, and I was stupid for even worrying, haha.

I really do hope we go on a second date. Maybe without the awkwardness of another couple this time.

Oh, and Jesse's a scary driver when he doesn't know where he's going (:

in case of an emergency

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. There's that unsettling feeling in my chest...kind of like anxiety...or as if I was about to go through an anxiety attack, but it's not quite there.

I'm worried. I'm concerned. I'm threatened.

I just want to take the time now and just...tell every one how much I love them. You know when people die, or something just awful happens, you have that feeling of regret and you just wish you could have said something that you wanted to, but never actually got the chance to?

Well...I don't want that to happen to me. I want every one to know how very grateful I am, before anything happens that any one of us will regret.

First, to my mom: I know that we don't get along very well. We have very many disagreements, and we hardly ever see eye to eye on things concerning my life, and concerning your discipline method. But I honestly do love you. Even when I say I hate you, I love you. You've always been there for me through thick and thin. Through breakups, and heartache, through disappointment and great joys. You stuck me through dance and piano, and made sure I kept at it, which I will forever be grateful for. I would be such a boring person if I had never danced or played. You put up with so much, it's a wonder you are still around. You've had to deal with dad, and a divorce, and your awful bratty daughters (including me) and who knows what else. But you are still standing strong. I have nothing but admiration for you, and I hope to be as much as a woman and mother as you are.

Next to Lily Mae: We've had our ups and downs. We have a love-hate relationship. I know I never say this to you, ever, but I really do love you. You are a sweet and innocent girl, so young and naive. But stay that way. Never let any one convince you that you are some one you are not. Don't do drugs. Don't have a boyfriend until your married. Don't kiss until your 40.

Anna Belle: I will never understand what goes on in that twisted head of yours. Most of the time I can't STAND you, but I am very protective over you nonetheless. Just...please learn that no means no, and that "if you are quiet, you'll get your stuff back" doesn't mean that you need to scream even louder and have the cops called on us for no reason.

Annie Reed: I know we don't talk much, but I miss you so much. Those small little conversations that we do have from time to time makes me feel like that there are understanding people out there in the world, and I can never forget how good you make me feel. You are an amazing friend, and I am so glad that Ruthie introduced us in 6th grade. With out her, I wouldn't have met the second most naive girl on the earth with the biggest heart and and open mind.

Kelly Newman: I miss you like you don't even know. You just have a way with words that makes me feel like the world is nothing compared to the happiness we give each other out of witty remarks and pure stupidity. You're like another sister, and I'm so glad that you and your family are in my life. I would have died that one week last April when the world was crashing down and I lived at your house. If I hadn't had you, I'd probably just crash somewhere on the road, living out of my car. You're wonderful, smart, witty, and oh so original. It's true, every one does want to be like you.

Aubrey Harmer: You gorgeous being you. You make me want to be a better person all the time when I'm around you. You teach me not to do things I always do, like gossip, and back-talk, and say that I "hate" some one. I'm also very jealous of your hair and your eye make up. Just so you know. You too, have been there for me when things were hard. You and Kelly really were the people who kept me going through my difficult times. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Miara Farnsworth: I facebook stalk you, and I get jealous too. Just saying. You're beautiful, you have amazing hair and you're SO skinny (tell your mom that I think you should gain weight, not lose it, haha). But you are a kind soul, and you're family has been very helpful to us. And the carpools are saving my mother and me money that we don't have, so thank you so much. I can't tell you how much we appreciate you and your family. Don't be jealous of any body else but yourself, because you really do have it all. You're amazing, and don't let facebook make you think differently.

Megan Crosland: You are just so....there's not even a word for it! You're gorgeous (I'm super jealous), and have the best voice (so 1940's-esque) and just plain amazing. I know the dating world isn't particularly favoring you or me, but boys are dumb. And when you find that guy, he's going to have to be the most amazing guy in the history of men in order to even hope to be in the same league as you. And you will find him, I guarantee. And you'll be married til you die, and your kids will be so beautiful, every one else in the entire world will be jealous too.

Monica Chen: You always know the right things to say to bring some one out of the darkness and feel like they are everything in the world. But down cut yourself short. You are just as beautiful and amazing as you make every one else sound. So many people love you, and want to see you happy. Just as I'm sure you want every one else to be. Monica you have such a sparkle, it's time you let it shine. Never get discouraged. Just live life as it comes.

Jesse Galovich: I know that we know nothing about each other. And we never talk, apart from our conversation about the weather, and then our random door-holding-and-passing-each-other-on-campus-hello. But you give me hope that there is some one out there for me. It may not be you, or maybe it is (more than likely it's not, though, knowing my luck. no offense), but there is some one out there that I will be happy with, get married to, and have a beautiful family with. I think it's something in your smile that makes me able to picture myself content with some unknown shadowy figure (that's how I see him in my mind right now. Since i have no accurate picture of my future husband). The way the corners of your mouth goes up, and your eyes squint a bit, and then you get almost a shooting-star like crinkle on the side of your eyes, as if your eyes were the stars, and the crinkles angle themselves into them. And yes, to be honest, I have pictured myself with you and I do like it, haha. But what girl doesn't do that with a crush? Thank you for always being there in choir.

Angel Chong: You are like my twin. My half-Asian sister, who understands hardships, but you are the better half of us. You are the optimistic one, and I admire you so much for that. I am so proud that you are almost hitched, and I'm so happy that it's with the man you've waited for. I love you, and I want to make sure that we will still see each other and have awesome girl's nights with megan and brianna.

Blake Newman: I know we haven't talked since Black friday last year, and I'm actually perfectly okay with that, but I want to thank you for making me see that I do need to grow up. Yes, I was growing up, but relationship wise, when we "went-on-dates" you helped me see that I really do need to reevaluate and refocus my relationship and dating techniques. I'd never be ready for marriage if I had kept doing what I was doing. So thank you.

Zack Smith: Honestly, I don't hate you, but I could care less about your life. But thank you so much for breaking up with me. I was headed down a dark hole, and if it wasn't for that break up...I probably wouldn't be here right now. I really do hope you are happy with Laura, and I hope you guys have a long and healthy relationship. So get out of my dreams now. I really don't need to see that you guys are doing well. Seriously, I don't care for details. Kthanks.

Facebook: I hate you. But thank you for existing.

Everyone else: you're amazing. never change. choose the right. be happy. live without fear.

getting rid of the bad

I'm getting sick. Not necessarily throw-up-temporary-stomach-flu-and-headache sick. But sick where I'm always feeling nauseated, where I'm losing my appetite, where I'm not sleeping, not...having enough time for myself. And I'm getting more and more angry with my father.

I think I'm losing my happy streak too. As the days go on, I feel myself getting lost in nothing but work, jealousy, loneliness, and complete and utter annoyance. I fear that I'm not a very amiable person.

Not even my music, or my playlist meant for me to throw myself into a better mood, is working anymore. I'm getting really sick of music, and that obviously means that there is something wrong. Music is my life. I've inhaled music since I was little, and now all of a sudden I don't want to hear it, play it, or even sing it.

I know that's a little hypocritical of my last post, saying that I'm glad I'm in choir. But honestly, I just want to sit there. I don't feel like singing our songs or participating in the class activities.

Oh, and I hate my dad. But according to my bishop, I'm not allowed to. But I can't help it. Every time I begin to consider forgiving him for some horrible thing he does, he decides to overdose on his damn sleeping pills and does something even worse.

He won't be around for Lily Mae's birthday. It's next week. He'll be off in California with his "only daughters" as I like to call them. He acts like my older sisters are his true daughters and that they are the only ones that even matter in this world. And its obvious now. He's gone for Mae mae's birthday, and he wasn't around for mine. And on top of it all, he"s created an account over in California for himself. I know that all of this is just a ploy to prepare his big move to California after he gets out of prison. He's going to completely abandon us. And I don't care in the slightest.

If I ever do get married, he's not allowed to come.

I feel bad to realize that even Lily Mae hates him too. I feel like she's much to young to make such a judgement. But then again, she is going through all of the same things I am as well, and she has to deal with it at a younger age. This whole situation has taught her to grow up a lot quicker. I don't think that's fair for her. She's not even 15 yet, and she has to worry about our financial stress, the loss of the priesthood, the separation of her parents, and the awful acts of my father, and has to deal with the consequences as well. She never had the chance to just live a care-free teenage life.

But neither did I.

I'm concerned for both of my younger sisters and I. Really....who would ever want to marry into a family with as much baggage as us? Most people in the ward already "frown upon us" even though they have no idea who we are, what we deal with, and how we survive after it all.

If only there really was a literal way of getting rid of all the bad, and just starting new.

just another

So, I have this crush. Big surprise, right? Not. But somehow, he's different from my typical crush. Usually I go head over heels for a guy, and I'm clearly obsessed, but this is different. It's like I'm already expecting nothing to happen. But I really want to be his friend. He seems like a nice guy with a good sense of humor. It's hard to tell. He practically never talks. I, myself, have only had a total of 1 conversation with him, and we talked about being bad with names, and the weather. Of course the weather. That dreaded fallback conversation that every one uses as an excuse to just have something to say.

I see him almost every day. during the school week. He has a class right before me in the same room, and then I always see him walk out of the math building on my way to the music building. But those are my mondays and wednesdays. Tuesdays and thursdays we have choir. A whole hour and 50 minutes singing and not talking. Mostly due to the 10 or some odd people between us. I like having him in choir though. And whenever the men sing it's always a good excuse to just look over in that general direction.

I'm glad I stayed in choir.