It sucks to have to sit in the next room...and listen to your father tell your little sister that he's not going to see her anymore..and the reason why.

It sucks to know that your little sister's closest friend is going away.

It sucks to be the older sister of a child who's too young to understand the gravity of the situation, but still, she needs to know..

And it sucks to sit through all this crap, and secretly be happy, only because I'm wanting a certain some one who sets my mind at ease and makes me extremely happy.

He came at the most inconvenient time. But I can't help but crush on him. He came when my life was falling apart, and he came just when he was getting ready to move an hour away. But I can't stay away..Maybe it wasn't inconvenient. Maybe it was to show me that there are decent men out there, that I need to stay strong, and the right one will come to me. But somehow...I wish I had a better chance with this one.

I'm glad I'm kind of invisible. I'm glad no one comes to this page. Because if they did...I'd be so embarrassed to say who I'm talking about. He's the brother of one of my closest friends. I'm ashamed that I have already..kissed him. And I'm sure she doesn't approve of what happened either. But I don't regret it. I rather enjoyed kissing him. And I'd do it again, if I could.

Who am I turning into?

I decided that this is probably the best place to vent without putting any of my relationships in jeopardy.

Lately...I've been having the hardest time with...everything. Not only is it senior year, and I'm developing a serious case of senioritis, but almost everything else around me seems to be tumbling down into ruins that are overseen, overlooked, and unacknowledged by every one else. This deep, blackhole of despair called my life never ceases to pull more darkness into it's unfathomable mouth, taking in all that should not be experienced and filtering out any chance of happiness.

As so commonly said, "To make a long story short," this year consists of my ex boyfriend cheating on me twice with the same girl...and the last confrontation nearly breaking my arm...my parents deciding to get divorced, and my father...ending up in prison. And even better, all of this is supposed to stay on the "down low," but because I can't tell any one about it, and no one comes to read this bullshit page anyway, I'm gonna flat out say that I hate my family. I'm confined to my own inner personal space, having to deal with this all on my own, really, and it sucks. Can I just add...I hate men? No, I would never go lesbian, but...I just can't grasp the mind set of these...pigs. No offense.

My so called father can't even come to my graduation this year. How wonderful is that? He probably won't make it to my University Graduation, or probably even the birth of my first child. And it's his own damn fault. He's leaving our family with almost nothing. My mom has to file for bankruptcy, we have absolutely no idea if we're gonna be able to keep any of our possessions...and how are my sisters and I gonna pay for college? We can't file bankruptcy twice...that'll be the end of my mother..

God, if you really are there...help. Show me that bright resonating light that I so desperately need to see. Give me a sign of what comes next, that things will turn out in the end. Make my mother happy for once...help my little sister understand that she's not gonna be able to see her dad for a long while...that we won't be able to go camping this summer, and that no, daddy is not going to be able to finish her bedroom. Help me be strong and face everything that comes my way with a strong facade, and at least a small smile on my face. Help us.