Oh Summer.

This is going to be along summer. It's been one day away from school....and people...one in particular...and I'm already feeling lost and empty and jealous. I fell into a trap. Like always.

Love is a sad excuse for happiness.

One-sided love is even worse.

So I got really mad at Jesse yesterday. And I really shouldn't have, because he has no commitment to me whatsoever, but I was still mad. And I'm still mad today even. Yesterday, I saved him a spot at this choir performance, and when he got there, he looked at me, and then just...sat somewhere else. And it made me cry. Which is pathetic, I admit, but it did sting. And then I texted him later, asking him if I could just rant to him for a bit, because I haven't really had the opportunity to just...poor out anything to anyone, because everyone else is going through tough stuff, and I find it very selfish of me to just...add to their problems. And Jesse said that if he could help, he wouldn't mind listening.

But he never text back after saying "I'm in church, I'm still busy." And I got really frustrated, and I deleted his number. And cried. A lot.

Then I decided it was time to get over him. But I know that is NOT going to be easy for me. And I cried more.

Seriously, I just needed to talk to somebody yesterday, and Jesse was one of my last options, and he wouldn't even answer his phone after he SAID he could talk.

So I was p-i-s-s-e-d.

But then, of course, Jesse texted me this morning, telling me that his phone died, and he was stuck in Salt Lake all day, so he couldn't hook up his phone. And I felt awful for hating him.

Then today, I texted him, and he still hasn't text back. He's probably just really busy with classes. But I see him texting all the time, so maybe he just doesn't want to talk. Which sucks. I feel like I'm seriously getting the cold shoulder from him.

I feel stuck, almost. I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't want to get over him, even though I'm going to have to eventually.

I just need something or some one to help me forget about him.

Conflicting Feelings

There's uncertainty in the way we talk
The way we feel, the way we look.
Uncertainty in the way we act.
Too careful for friends.
Too careless for more.
Uncertainty in the future.
Questioning the past.
Dark feelings
Annoyance
Anguish
Subtle loathing.
Yet the presence of your being confuses me deeply.
Annoyance, with the benefit of the doubt
Anguish, with self-blame.
Subtle loathing, but hiding it well.
Because that smile changes everything.
Stop smiling.
Stop caring.
Or respond to the messages.
Respond to the want.
Respond to the longing.
Respond, so I know you're there.

:D

YAY!

Yeah. That's about all I can say right now. I don't want to jinx anything just yet.

Don't worry. It's nothing too big.

on my mind.

I pray that my husband will be a better dad. I pray that I won't fall into the same position my mom ended up in. I pray that he will be an example for my daughter, for my son, for my future family.

What I do every time I see you, regardless of the type of day I have.

I'm still working on the forgiven part.

Hoping that this is the case right now.

Oh man, we do this all the time in choir. And instead of awkwardly smiling to show I know that we do, I talk to Mary instead.

give it to him good!

I am in the mood to just do crazy and insane things. No thanks to my lovely friend, Tad, who wishes to torment me.

I've been wanting to just...kiss Jesse for the past forever now. And I was joking about doing it this sunday. But Tad had this brilliant idea.

So here's the back story before I get to his epiphany. Back in January, our choir had a social, and our choir director made this rule that if we were to kiss ANYONE new from that moment on, we had to bring him a tub of ice cream. Well, I didn't think anyone was going to actually do it. But almost everyone that HAS kissed some one knew proceeded to follow said rule. And it turns out, that every one of those people who brought ice cream ended up in a relationship with that person.

Now Tad has this idea that I should come to choir on the last day, and just..Slam a tub of ice cream down in front of Brother Romrell (our choir director) and walk over to Jesse, kiss him, shake his hand (because we have NEVER touched before), and then just go sit back down. And as EPIC as that sounds...I'm scared that I might actually do it, and then just...totally get the cheek because Jesse freaked out, and didn't want to kiss me.

BUT I WANT TO DO IT SO BAD. It would be awesome! Besides, there's a possibility that I will never see him again after that last day in choir. So we might as well leave it on an epic note, right?

My face is going red just typing about this all. I'm blushing, and no one is even around to witness how embarrassed I look.

I have a lot of thinking, and mulling things over to do in the next two days.... wish me luck!

Break the Ice with Ice Cream

Well. It's done. I did it. I'm kind of amazed I actually told him. I swear the last time I told a guy that I liked him was when I was in 7th grade. This is new territory for me, and I'm frightened, and anxious, and antsy, and overwhelmed, and happy, and free and open to the world all at the same time. I kind of like this feeling. It's new, and I needed it, especially with everything else that is going on right now.

Jesse seems to be handling the news just fine so far. He's waving every time I see him. He laughed at me earlier today too, when I was studying for a quiz, because he knew I had problems with it.

I'm just not entirely sure I'm okay with his reaction just yet.

So on friday, I pulled him to the side after the choir concert, during the ice cream party, and was like: "When you get a chance...can I talk to you?" And I had to wait like..10 minutes before I could talk to him. His mom HAD to introduce me to everyone in his family that showed up. I think I've officially met at LEAST half of his family. When I finally got him on his own, I just kind of...freaked out..and I knew that I couldn't back out. Here's our conversation (from what I remember):

Me: "So...don't hate me..."

Jesse: "It's okay." (I think that was weird for him to say)

Me: "Okay....grrraahhghghhgg. This is hard for me to do" (yes, I growled and I gurgled.)

Jesse: "Okay..."

Me: "So basically...I think I'm getting feelings for you, and I really wanted to just get that out there so that I'm not burdened with that kind of....information."

Jesse: "Haha, okay. Well, I'm in limbo. Like, I just got home from my mission, and this is all new to me, and I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing" (And literally, this came milliseconds after I told him, almost as if he was already thinking it, or knew what I was going to say, or...as if he tells girls this kind of thing all the time)

Me: "Oh, that's fine. I just wanted to tell YOU how I felt. Nothing more."

Jesse: "Haha, alright."

Me: "Let's just...try and not make it awkward between us."

Jesse: "Oh of course not. I don't think it'll be awkward."

Me: "Well..I'm an awkward person, so I can't promise anything."

Jesse: "Haha, true." (with his adorable, dimpled, awkward smile and a slight tilt of the head)

And I died.

Okay not really, but I did go home, and freak out, and ate a pint of ice cream while watching Ever After, and then tried to cry myself to sleep. But I didn't.

I'm actually okay with telling him. It feels so nice not to be hiding that from him. And even if he never does like me back, at least I got it out there, and I won't regret never telling him, right?

3 weeks left.

The Violet Hour

Before reading this, I would really like you to click on the link below. This song is meant to go with this post.

This is the violet hour, the hour of hush and wonder, when the affections glow again and valor is reborn, when the shadows deepen magically along the edge of the forest and we believe that, if we watch carefully, at any moment we may see the unicorn.

- Bernard DeVoto "The Hour"

Today I'm gonna tell Jesse my feelings for him. Kind of scary. Actually, it's really scary. He told me yesterday that he's probably not coming back to this school next semester, and may end up going to BYU, which means, these may be our final weeks. And I just need to get things off my chest before then, so that I can have a sense of closure.

It may be the worst idea in the world, but it needs to be done. It may make things extremely awkward between us for the last 3 weeks of this semester. And I might get a little hurt. But things will get better in time. I just need him to know. And not assume that he knows.

I keep going over ways I'm going to explain things to him. Right now this is how I'm thinking of doing it.

During our rehearsal, I'm going to pull him to the side and ask to speak to him in private. And because I'm insane and quirky, I'm just going to say: "So..I think I'm getting feelings for you, and I know I'm putting my head on the chopping block by saying that, but I just really wanted to get that out there. I'd still like for us to be friends, and I hope that in light of this new information, things won't get too awkward between us." And then just smile because I'm an awkward person, and we'll both know that being awkward is going to happen no matter what.

But I'm terrified of his reaction. And I'm worried that it's going to ruin my mood during our concert tonight. And what's even worse is that my family will be there, and his family will be there, and....it just FEELS messy to me. I don't know if it sounds messy to any one else. So i'm really freaking out on the inside. Trying to hide it on the outside.

The past few days though, Jesse has been texting me. Nothing really important, and they were very short conversations, but he asked me how I was doing on wednesday, and I'm assuming that's because my mom had kicked me out of the house, and he wanted to make sure I was okay. Him and his family actually let me stay the night at his house on Monday. His parents are lovely folks. Any one should be proud to be a part of that family. And today was just to ask me if his family needed to dress in Sunday clothes for our choir concert. So nothing extraordinary. But nonetheless, I think that was a bigger step for him, since I do all the texting.

I'm scared.

It is the Violet Hour.

A new day will come.