i hate you.

I try my best to keep my mother calm and happy, because she is utterly unbearable when she gets even the slightest bit upset. So of course, I have been doing nothing this entire break but cooking, cleaning, doing homework, grocery shopping, NONSTOP. And what kind of thanks do I get? A scream in the face telling me I'm lazy, I'm ungrateful, I'm unhelpful, and I'm fat. Thanks a lot mother. That's really motivational.

Don't revisit the past.

Sometimes, I really don't like my mom. She makes me feel awful about myself all the time. Her most recent crime has been to make a point that she thinks that I am fat. She actually offered to pay me to drop some weight.

I was at a homecoming on sunday, at my chinese ward, so I haven't seen a lot of the people their, and when I got home, the first thing my mother told me was "Julie asked if you weren't taking dance, because she says she can tell you gained weight. I told you."

I just wanted to smack her. So what I'm not her ideal weight? I still a healthy size. I'm not even close to overweight. Is she expecting me to be underweight again? Because the only way I got there was through that horrid breakup. Maybe she thinks if she gets me depressed again, I'll just drop.

Speaking of breakup...I keep dreaming about Zack. And it bugs me. I am 100% positive I have no feelings for him at all. Maybe I'm dreaming about him because of my mom. Mainly, in my dreams, Zack just hangs out with me, and then goes and tells my mother what he misses about me and what he doesn't miss. And then he texts me pictures of him and Laura. It really makes no sense to me, but whatever.

I just think I'm psychologically strained. Maybe it's from finals. Who knows.

I hope it goes away.

engaging

People need to stop getting engaged. Like really. I love you all, but you're making me feel like I'm being left in the dust. I'm so young! I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. So stop falling in love. Really.

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern--The Civil Wars. This song is so perfect.

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I've missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh, but I want to

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

'Til I finally know your name

The way your hand feels 'round my waist

The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste

I've missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh, but I want to

How I do

How I do

I've missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh, how I miss you

But I haven't met you

Oh, but I want to

Oh, how I want to

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently

Lies

Apparently, I lie to my friends. Not terrible lies. No, not at all. But still, they are lies.

But sometimes, I think I would just bring them down if I tell them the truth.

So the truth will remain within.

Be happy, my friends.

I wish I couldn't dream

Last night, I was stupid and decided to go see "Tyson's" choir concert. It may have been too soon. Yes, I may have teared up a bit. But I think I was pretty strong. Until this morning. I've been feeling so blue so far today.

Last night I had 3 different versions of the same dream. I was doing some sort of choir thing with every one from the Singers, including "Tyson," and we were travelling. But at the same time we were still attending classes from school. "Tyson" and I had a weird relationship with each other, where we didn't really talk to each other, but we admired each other from afar. And "Tyson" would eventually shy away from his girlfriend, and we'd always end up together in the end. In one of the dreams, we were engaged, but that's besides the point.

And now I'm left feeling like crap. My subconscious is trying to get my hopes up, telling me that there may still be a chance that something like this could happen. When in reality, it seems less likely. For all I know, his girlfriend and him could be really serious, and he could propose right when she gets home.

But nonetheless, I still let my stupid subconscious get my hopes up. I'm just setting myself up for greater disappointment that I don't need. At all.

Of Course

I knew he was too perfect. I knew it was too good to be true. He has le Girlfriend. :( She's in China right now, but she'll be back in December.

Adios to that possibility.

Zesty Chicken Peppers

Today, I decided to cook something delicious. And I was quite successful. So of course, I have to blog about it, and write down the recipe so that I will never forget it. Here is a picture:

ZESTY CHICKEN PEPPERS:

-Chicken Breasts (diced)

-Half an orange bell pepper

-Half a yellow bell pepper

-Half an onion

-2 cloves of garlic

-Fresh Rosemary

-1 Tbsp of white wine

-5 Tbsp (approx) of Extra Virgin Olive Oil

-Zest of Orange

-Zest of Lemon

-Salt and Pepper seasoned to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. Dice the peppers. Cut the onion into long strips. Finely chop the garlic. Very loosely cut the rosemary.

2. Put the diced chicken into a bowl, add 3 tbsp of olive oil, salt, pepper, and the white wine and mix well. Let soak for 10 minutes, but no more.

3. Sautee the vegetables in 2 Tbsp of olive oil until the onions have a bit of a transparent tint. Remove from heat.

4. Sautee the chicken until almost all of the pieces are no longer white. (Some pink is okay, it'll be cooked through in a minute. You don't want to cook it all the way through just yet, or the chicken will be too dry). Add the vegetables to the chicken, and add the orange and lemon zest. Let it simmer in its juice for a minute or so.

5. Serve away! I like to serve it on rice and with a side of red potatoes. (:

Mysterious.

it's been a week since our date. and it's been 6 days since i've last spoken to him. I have no idea what he wants from me. I can't even tell if he's interested. "Tyson" is so hard to figure out. He told me he would think of something and we'd go out again. And he text me saying that he loved every minute of our date. But was he just being nice? Too nice to say that he didn't want to do it again?

I texted him....I'll see if he'll text back...

Please text back.

Husband List--in progress

1. He must be a Return Missionary

2. He must have a strong testimony

3. He must attend church on a regular basis

4. He must be a worthy priesthood holder

5. He must be kind

6. He must be a gentleman (opening doors, etc)

7. He must be musical (singing is a requirement :) and I would love for him to play another instrument. Preferably piano, or cello. Mainly because those are my favorite instruments)

8. He must have a very calm temper. Hardly ever gets mad.

9. He must be a driven man. School, work, family.

10. He must always put family and the church first.

11. He must be a great listener.

It Almost Rained

Kind of really bummed right now. "Tyson" told me today that he can't do choir anymore :(

What am I gonna do?

Cry. Almost.

Go out with a BANG!

I had a great ending to a terrible weekend. :) Not only did I get to sing for L. Tom Perry this evening, and listen to his amazing talk, but I also finally got some one-on-one time with "Tyson." We had a lovely conversation in the car, and I like him that much more now. I have never been so excited to go on our date this friday. :D

He talked about how his parents were perfect for each other, because they are kind of opposites, and as he was pointing things out, I couldn't help but notice that you could apply the same things to us as well. I can cook, he can't. I am quite punctual, he's not so much. And so on. I really think there is some serious potential here. And I can' t wait to find out if anything ends up between the two of us. I have a good feeling that there will.

He also showed me his secret route home tonight. It was the most beautiful view of the Salt Lake Temple I have ever seen. Thank you, "Tyson," you and L Tom Perry made my entire weekend :)

Who Am I?

So far, this weekend hasn't exactly been the best. It started out alright, and I'm hoping it'll end alright. The middle was complete crap though.

You see..I got my wallet and my phone stolen yesterday. In cafe rio. In salt lake. I am never going there again. :( Two of my friends went into the men's bathroom and found my purse dumped in the sink, and I was very depressed. They stole my driver's license, my student ID, my debit card, my insurance card, my phone, my life. I'm just...not a happy camper right now.

I have been considering lying about my age this week...I mean, because I have no form of identification, why not be something different, right? ha...That way maybe my age difference between "Tyson" and I won't seem as...unattractive...

Because I don't have my things, it means that I can't get into my building to, you know...go to bed and get changed and shower and live and stuff....and I can't drive. And because I don't have my phone, I have no way of contacting any one. So I have to live with my mom and let her know when she needs to drop me off and come and get me. I swear, it's like elementary school all over again.

But I'm very thankful for the few friends that helped me out yesterday. To them, I am eternally grateful. Especially Miss Lindsay. She's my savior. She kind of made the whole night better. I dunno where I would be without her. So thanks, hon.

So again, I hope things will get a little better over the next week.....I'll be praying a lot.

By the way... "Tyson" called back...and said yes. :)

Don't Call.

So, I'm kind of feeling like an idiot right now. This guy I really like...let's call him Tyson...is in a choir of mine. And I seriously think he's the best guy I've met in college. We've hung out once outside of class, and it was pretty good. Nothing special. Just a movie with a bunch of other friends. But I've been feeling the need to ask him on a date for the past week. So I tried today.

It took me about..oh, I'd say 3 hours to get the guts up just to call him.

And of course, he didn't answer. So I just left a ridiculous message on his phone. And he hasn't called back yet. Now, I know he's busy and that he has a life and all, but I'm just feeling very vulnerable right now. It's been an hour or so. And usually he takes a LONG time to get back. But still. I kind of wish I didn't do anything.

I'm worried that he'll say no. But I'm even more worried that he won't call back.

Needs An Awesome Folk Tune

Tell me what you think?:

A smile so pure of pearly whites

A sound of music I've never heard

A sparkle in your glance

Leaves me fleeting, hopelessly

For unfamiliar territory

Will the stars align for us

And answer the unasked questions

Fulfill a craving that my hands can't touch

The hands of comfort to wipe away

The unshed tears of loneliness

I'm hoping, wishing, wanting things that cannot be

The possibilities of actuality slip away

Leaving me to face the infamous reality

Of empty laughs and hardened eyes

Cold hands, cold heart

Awkward

Today has been kind of an awkward day.

I had work, and it was great. Only because I saw a certain somebody in the last few minutes of my shift. And on top of it all, we texted a bit tonight :) it made me extremely happy. But what made it awkward was the fact that I went to sleep over at Kelly's for general conference, and he was home. With a girl. And it's amazing how jealous I can get, just sitting here, watching them put their heads close together and whispering. They aren't cuddling, but they may as well should be. I find it slightly annoying, but there is nothing I can really do about it. I don't understand why I'm jealous. I have this new guy to look forward too. We're going to party sometimes soon. Hopefully.

But I guess I'm going to have to work harder to get rid of my feelings for you-know-who.

weird.

more on this awkward situation tomorrow!

Masters in China

I wrote this yesterday...so in case the tense doesn't make sense..

Today, I woke up and felt like crying. There was quite literally no time in-between me opening my eyes and then sinking into the ground. All of a sudden, for the past couple of days, I've become more aware of my loneliness. Cupcakes, friends, school....they are fun but not fulfilling.

I went and visited a couple friends last night, down in Provo. I never realized how much I miss them. But what made it difficult on me was seeing them with their boyfriends. I watched and this emptiness within me grew. And then their talk of family...

On top of it all, I'm going back into those kind of relationships we had with boys back in junior high; where I am crushing terribly on the popular boy, he knows I exist, but there is not click. He probably has a girlfriend anyway, with how perfect and amazing he is.

There's a song by Priscilla Ahn that kind of explains how I'm feeling. The lyrics, I think, are quite beautiful:

You've always been bashful, you're just that way

But your eyes are like billboards, they give you away

Your mouth is a trumpet, somebody else plays

Long after the notes gone, the tone usually stays

And your chest a fine pillow, with lining of feathers

Your hair is a family, with strands stick together

Fingers are keys from the grandest piano,

played by a line that the Lord only know

A tongue of an angel, floats in red wine saliva

Your teeth ravel porcelain, made by masters in China

Your face can't be captured by picture or words

And your voice is a music that I've never heard

And your skin is a cream, dipped out beyond measure

Your nose is a pink color, touched by the weather,

your fingers are keys from the grandest piano

Played by a soul that the Lord only knows

For the past few weeks, I've been wanting to write my own beautiful, lyrical poem, and maybe eventually turn it into a song....I'll try that this weekend.

A Personal Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know I've asked a lot of you lately. And as I look back on it, things may have been a little selfish and undeserving. But I could really use the help this time. And I felt the need to write it out, so I can organize my thoughts a little better, and make sure I don't leave out anything. For my own sake.

I agree with the fact that my life has definitely taken a 180 flip since...2009. And I'm working at bettering myself every day. You know that. You're the only one who truly sees that. I want to be better. I desire the ability to do what I was once able to do. And I agree that I am much happier than just a year or two ago. But there is still this emptiness within me.

Now people tell me everyday that I'm young. Too young. But I beg to differ. I believe I have an old soul. A soul years older than the body it resides in. And you and I both know what this soul longs for.

I don't expect things to go my way. Ever. But it would be nice if something just...turned out right. No offense, but I'm tired of having things fall through--of things being executed, but failing epically.

Life is extremely difficult at home. And that's a big issue for me. There's really no place that I can turn to and say "This is home. I feel safe. I feel happy." And right now, there's nothing else in the world I could want more than to have a home (yes, maybe even of my own) to feel welcome in. A home to feel the spirit. But I can't accomplish this alone.

I need guidance through this tough time. Guidance to help me keep my mother and sisters on their feet. Guidance to help me make the right choices. Guidance to chose the right person...

I ask nothing more than guidance and peace.

I am ready.

Love,

Mary Jane

For the Better

I had a weird day. Today, i actually just...followed my instincts. I felt like I shouldn't go to Bio. I felt like I needed to go home. And I felt like I needed to go to costco. And I have no idea why. But i did it. But I guess it kind of helped. I've been feeling a bit depressed for the past couple days. And I felt better after it all. Life has it's reasons.

Word of advice: just follow that voice in your head. more than likely, it's probably for the better.

Change of Scenery

well. I finally told him the truth. we hung out last night, and i promised myself I wasn't going to kiss him. but i did. because I'm stupid. I feel eh...I don't know. happy, because now I can date people without feeling i'm in a messed up relationship with him. but at the same time....i'm kinda mad at what he said to me. he pulled the age card again. which is dumb. it made me pissed. but i finally opened up to him and half/told him some intimate details about the darkest part of my life. and I had a really fun time with him last night. so everything is just kind of messed up right now.

and I have a date in less than an hour. so...i don't know how much fun i'm going to be.

I hate how he does this. I'm always in a bad mood after i drop him off. gah.

he'll see some day. he'll see that he needs to change. hopefully.

some words of endearment would help.

Don't Bug Me.

I'm trying to get the guts up to ask Tyler on a date this saturday. Amanda and I are going to the Berillious Requiem Concert, and we both have extra tickets to take dates. So that's our deal. I would really like to ask Tyler. But I'm a wimp. I just can't. We were trying to introduce ourselves to everyone in the choir today, and Tyler came up to me and pointed his finger to me, as if ready to ask me what my name was, but some one else answered for me, and I just kind of moved on. I couldn't talk to him. It was one of the most exhilarating instances in my life since I started college.

I also am starting some study dates with a guy named Peter. :) no, not Peter Parker. I actually don't know his last name yet. All I know is that he got back from his mish 4 weeks ago, he went to Iceland/Denmark, and he went to East High. And that he has a little sister my age. But he's cute. and sweet. And I officially like my math classes now.

Also, over the weekend, I did a retreat. Kind of like a leadership conference for LDSSA. It was way fun. And there was this guy...named Jake. Just Jake. I don't know his last name either. He goes to SLCC, and he sings fairly well. And I got a crinkle on him that night. But I never got his number, and I didn't see him in the morning. So I guess it's one of those "Perfect-Nights-With-A-Complete-Stranger-And-Never-See-Them-Again" kind of deal.

And I don't want to date HIM (you know). But yet...I still feel angry and annoyed and...ignored when he doesn't text back for 2 hours. I understand he's busy. And he has a life too. But it's still annoying. Maybe it's just him. Maybe He's just beginning to bug me.

Oh Pickle Juice.

Kind of in a pickle.

I told him he could come up for a concert.

I volunteer for the concert.

I might get to meet the bands?

He wants to meet the bands.

I have to meet ASUU by 3:30.

I get out of class at 2:50.

I have to pick him up.

I don't want to pick him up.

He has to volunteer to meet the groups too?

I don't know if I want him to come any more.

Maybe I should just tell him that it was cancelled.

Give my tickets to some one cool.

akldjfhoeiuhflkajhas lfkjawye lilasfl kj8753658739648576(@*&#$^*69127aslkjdfh asdfkjahsf

Dreaming Nonsense

The other night, I had a dream that an unrelated (as in not blood-related) cousin of mine asked me to marry him. I had no idea who he was, or that he even liked me before then. And for some stupid reason, I said yes. I started spending more time with him, and I just...had to learn to like him. It was kind of bizarre. But I felt like I was cheating on him, because I just wanted to be with what's-his-face (the one every one wants to punch). But I was going to go through with the marriage any way.

Luckily, for me, this cousin doesn't actually exist. My messed up subconscious made him up.

Usually, (but only recently), I don't remember my dreams. And the one's I do remember...I feel like I need to pay attention, because they've got to be there for some reason. And usually I'm right. The dreams I remember end up telling me something important about my future. But what I don't understand is what this one is trying to tell me.

I need some psychological help. Where's Joseph when you need him?

Bad, MJ.

Today, I figured out that I cannot work in a quiet environment. I'm in the library, and I was trying to find a good quiet place to study, and I found one! The area was even labeled "quiet study area." Score!

But I was wrong. I got in, and I felt like a nuisance. My flip flops were too loud even. I sat down, got my mythology book out as quietly as possible, and started reading. But after 5 minutes, I just felt really uncomfortable and noisy. Like any move I made would turn the students in that room into an angry mob, and they would chase me out of the library. So I left. So much for my quiet study time. I found a nice place where I don't have to be as quiet. The air flows better here.

I think I'm going to kick him to the gutter. But I don't know. Every time I say that, we always end up back here again. Either he keeps coming back, or I just say hi once, and we're hanging out again. I don't want to lose him as a friend. So I'm going to have to say hi every once in a while. I'll have to see if he still wants to come up for Redfest. If so, I'll tell him the bad news after the concert. If not, then I guess I'll just...not text him anymore. I won't give him any warning. I think he's better off without me anyway. I'm kind of a bad influence on him. Bad, mj.

Be Serious

I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Please.

Here's the situation. He came up yesterday, because we were going to do a photoshoot for a friend. But she cancelled, so we ended up just hanging out in my dorm. But he got flirty beforehand. When I went to go pick him up down in Provo, he was making fun of me, spraying me with water, tickling me, the usual flirtyness of a typical guy. But since we had that conversation of just being friends only a week ago, I thought it was him just being an annoying, rambunctious friend.

When we got to my dorm, he was playing with my hair, playing with my hands, tickling me too much. I knew something was up. Especially when he started kissing my hand. My roommate left, and it was just the two of us in my room, and I knew that he was going to kiss me whether I wanted to or not. Especially because he just grabbed my face and pulled me in.

So yeah. We made out. Something I was not expecting. At least not so soon after our "friend-talk." And on the drive home...it got weird. We were just telling each other stories about our past. And then he says:

"I want a serious relationship."

Just like that, out of nowhere. And at first it sounded like he wanted it with me. He was saying things like "I want a serious relationship so we don't have to go through this every time we see each other," and "I don't know how you feel about it," and "the last time we talked, you didn't want one with me because I wasn't ready to have one with you." and things like that. And he asked me what I was thinking, and I just told him I was confused, because just 7 days ago, he said he liked me better as friends. We don't talk for 6 days, he comes up on day 7, and now he want's a serious relationship? And he said:

"No, I didn't mean a serious relationship with you."

I just...Don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with some one like this? I mean, I like him, but he drives me crazy with his indecisive-and-convoluted-truthness. I don't want to just kick him to the curb, because I really do like him as a friend. If something were to emerge from this, then great, but right now....it's just a total mess.

Seriously, what would you do if a guy told you something like this?

Is It True?

Today I had a little epiphany. I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

My view on knowing it's true love:

I'm a musician. I play piano. I love it. Because I'm a musician, I enjoy the musical qualities of particular parts of songs. No, not enjoy, I relish the pure pleasure i get out of melodic beauty. Listening to a piece of music sends shivers down my spine, I am filled with an incomprehensible feeling that makes me just...ease my head back, close my eyes, take in a deep breath, and just feel the music resonating through every cell in my body. But the problem is, when I listen to beautiful music, I'm never fully satisfied with what I'm listening to. Not unless I play the music myself. When I play it, it's complete. I'm not only uplifted, and happy, but completely content. Perfect, in a way. I feel perfection. And that's how love should feel.

With most everyone, you are going to feel those shivers, you'll feel happy, and beautiful, but there's still that filling in the back of your throat, the pit of your stomach, that something is unfulfilled or missing. And until you feel that completeness. . .just enjoy it as it comes. Enjoy the music and it's beauty. When you finally get to play the music yourself, you'll be incandescently happy. Content. Peaceful.

This is an example of an (excuse my language) orgasmic song. My favorite part--what I was trying to explain above--is from 1:25 til 1:50. But the part that just gives me an indescribable feeling is from 1:37 to 1:50. It's amazing. Just listen to those strings.

Crushed

So, for my Dance 1075 class, I have to make up a 1-minute piece. It's supposed to be a self-portrait, and it's due on friday. I've created my dance, but I'm not too sure how I feel about it just yet. Proud that it's expressive, or depressed because what I'm dancing is true...

I don't even know if I like it. I'll have to video it and post it up sometime...

There is a lot of pushing away, dragging my feet, spinning in circles...etc

Oh, and apparently a lot of chest movement, according to one of my classmates. "You really like to express with your chest."

It'll be interesting. Solos and all....

ps. i have a crush on a boy named tyler :) I've always like the name tyler. :D I've been looking for an excuse to name a son tyler, because it would've been weird to do so, since zack's middle name was tyler. but now that i've found a cute boy to pin it on, i'm good!

I am an unripe tomato

So, I went to FHE today for our YSA up at uni, and...I had fun! Yeah, there are a mixture of cute boys here and there. But the problem is....I think they are all taken :/ or at least not interested.

I have the feeling that's how most of the boys on campus are going to be. Taken, or not interested. But mostly taken. It's the downside of being a freshman; all the older more mature men either have bands, or are about to get one.

I also hate being a freshman. Because you don't know ANYBODY. Yeah, I didn't know a single person at FHE tonight. I felt kinda betrayed by a couple girls that were supposed to come with me :( but I had fun nonetheless.

Another downside of being a freshman: boys don't care for you. They want the women who are older, more experience, closer to marriage. They don't stop to think that the youngin's like me may be ready as well. Their eyes just kinda pass over us as if we are just another unripe tomato. But it's okay. My time will come. I hope.

What Is Your Quest?

Not really sure how I felt about yesterday... I mean, I did have fun, but did I really have fun? Because if I really had fun, I wouldn't feel so unsure about the happenings of yesterday afternoon, you know? I guess...just a lot of the time...I wished we were there on a date, not a friend-date. I wanted to hold his hand in the movie. I wanted to walk with my arm around his waist. I think yesterday would have been a great day, if we were together. Just throw in a couple kisses, and some hand holding, and it would have been perfect. But I think I was just...wanting the impossible.

I want friendship with him. But I want more than just a friendship with him.

Goshdangitwoman! What do you want?!

I Care

I care about cleanliness, because feeling clean always makes me feel better.

I care about my education, because getting a good education will pave the path of my future.

I care about how my time is spent, because a waste of time could eventually hurt me in the end.

I care about the colors I use in my life, because eventually, they control the feelings I feel in a specific environment.

I care about friendship, because without friendship, we all would live in a dark world of solitude.

I care about honesty, because without honesty, there is no trust, and therefore no true relationships between any one.

I care about love, because without love, life ceases to exist as we know it.

I care about life, because no matter what any one says, no matter what trials or tribulations come, life is GREAT, and don't forget it.

GAH

Really annoyed today. I cleared my entire saturday, including the only few hours I've been scheduled to work in the past 3 months, just to have my date cancel on me.

Reschedule? Are you serious? Do you have any idea how hard that's going to be with the football games I'm working, and the choir performances, and the new friends I'm supposed to be meeting? I can't just wait for you to decide that you can finally come up, and have me waste another saturday. My time is precious to me. Don't waste it.

But I'm okay. It'll be okay. I am calm. I am cool. I have no fear whatsoever.

Now I just have to find something to do with my time tomorrow, because homework isn't going to take all day.

Even Better

Today, I also found out that my suitemates LOVE to do jello shots. It's 4 in the afternoon on a thursday, and they are doing shots. How pathetic is that? And just to think that alcohol could be going down my sink, splashing over my toothbrush. It's disgusting, their behavior.

My roommate's my hero. She confronter her. I'm not very good at confrontations, especially with strangers in a sketch-type of situation. So thank heavens I have Emily!

Please Change Back.

I'm really disappointed in him right now.

He seemed just fine until today. At the current moment, I really don't know if I want anything with him anymore. If he's just going to be a..horn-dog...then I just can't be here. I'm done with playing around. I'm done with "hooking up." I want a real man, a real relationship based off of something pure and true. I thought that's what I was seeing in him, but I guess I was wrong.

He's just too young. He's got the mind of a 15 year-old. And I've got the mind of a 40 year-old. I just don't see how this is going to work out.

I just don't know what to do now. Tell him off right now? Or wait until Saturday, when I can explain things in person? But what are his expectations for Saturday? Because all I really want to do is just... talk. Talk, have some fun, watch a movie, run the town. But mostly talk. I want to get to know him. Know who he is. All this...other stuff that he wants is just not satisfying. There's more to a relationship than just kissing, and he should know that. He's nearly 22, for crying out loud.

I'm afraid that he's forgot all teachings while on his mission. Principles, Doctrine, right from wrong...What happened to that boy I met, who wanted me to start attending church again, to get me to start praying more? I want him back. Not this boy who's fallen back into his old habits before his mish.

a silver lining?

I've had a fairly decent past day and a half :)

Yesterday, I had dinner with an old friend and her family. It was sooooo good. I'm considering eating dinner there every sunday. And after, we went over to this lady's house to grab some amazing tomatoes. Her name is Annie. She's the number one neurologist in the world, and her tomatoes must be filled with crack or something, because I can't get enough. She also makes the best icecream and cookies.

I finally got a date set up with him. He's coming up to salt lake this saturday via UTA bus and trax, all the way from provo. (: it's very sweet of him. I don't think i've ever had a guy do that just to spend a few hours with me. So i'm gonna have to make sure our date is amazing. I'm far too excited for that....It'll be 3 weeks since i've seen him last.

I also got a sweet text from jarman today, he wants to catch up, and i think that'll be fun.

And i got a lovely email from elder dillon chen today as well.

so..yeah. things are looking up right now :D

classes are good so far. but i need to grab another hour of sleep or something before my last class.

What a blifferating day.

I'm creating a new word.

Blifferating: describing the situation when things don't go your way.

Today definitely did not end up the way I wanted it to. Like, at all.

I think I feel a lot worse than I did when I was worrying all of yesterday and this morning.

I barely talked to him at all today. He's not even coming back until the middle of the night. And by "back" he means provo. Lame. I was so hoping I'd be able to see him this weekend. It really would have lifted my spirit.

I feel like we are heading back down now. Down on this rollercoaster we've been on for the past 4 months. But maybe this is my fault. Maybe it's because I don't tell him how I really feel, or what I truly think of our situation.

So this is for you:

I want commitment. I want to know that when I wake up in the morning, you'll still be there. That you're not going to decide that I was a fun toy, but you want something shinier. I want to know that you have feelings for me, and that's why you want to get to know me better. I don't like the guessing game. I'm tired of the jealousy game as well. Either you let me date other guys without making me feel guilty, or you stop dating other girls. I can't be sitting here, devoting my time to you, when you are out with other girls, and nothing may ever procure from this. I want truth. I want straightforward answers, and none of this avoiding-the-question nonsense. Just tell me! Tell me what you want from me!

From what I can tell... you're not going to be any different from Zack or Tingey. They started out this way too. Sure, they got to business a lot quicker. Zack a month, Tingey a matter of days. But 4 months? Really?

I'm ready to settle down. And if you're not, then you can't be him. Let me move onto another guy.

I ran into a friend today. She's barely older than me, and I found out that she got married last week. I am too far behind. I'm starting to kind of feel depressed because I'm not even at the boyfriend stage. I just want a family. A beautiful family with a loving husband, amazing children, and a happy home. Just give me that.

Similarities

Today, I met a girl who's basically in the same situation I am in.

We Both go to the U.

We both are Mormon.

We both want to find out when our single's ward is.

We both are "dating" a guy that goes to the Y.

We are both "dating" a guy that is 21.

We both wish that it would go one way or the other with this guy.

We both want to major in a medical-related field.

We both have those guys coming up today.

But we both don't know if we can see them for a while.

And we both want to see them. Terribly.

Oh, and we both are part Chinese. Though she's cooler. She's Hawaiian.

I hope everything goes well for her. She's a sweet girl.

I'll be back soon to talk about my irrational feelings that mean nothing to anyone but myself, which is all that matters.

Til then~

Missing You

I don't know why, but I'm feeling very antisocial.

Like. . .I've met the girls next to me, and the guys across from me. . .and there's a dance going on, and I was invited to a party down the hall, but I just don't want to meet new people just yet.

I don't know if I'm just scared of meeting new people, or scared of meeting people who acted like I used to and reforming me to my old ways.

I just really want to be with my old friends.

People I'm missing right now:

Aubrey

Kelly

Amanda

Blake

Jarman

Mikelle

Megan

Angel

I can't decide what type of person I want to be this year.

Option A: I'm-only-here-for-school-so-I'm-going-to-focus-all-my-attention-on-home-work-and-one-particular-guy-and-come-off-as-a-b*tch

Option B: I'm-awesome-and-can-be-friends-with-every-one-because-I-feel-like-it

Option C: I'm-quiet-and-shy-and-won't-seem-to-like-anyone-until-the-very-end-of-the-year-so-just-pretend-like-I'm-not-here-so-I-can-just-keep-to-myself-in-my-own-little-world.

Right now, I'm playing out Option C. I've met a few people, but I have no desire to hang out with them just yet...because I'm scared.

I miss my friends.

A Pathetic Teenage Dream

Okay. So maybe it is just a little of him.

I keep going over different scenarios in my head of what could possibly happen on saturday.

Scenario One:

I head out to a friend's to pick her up, and we call another friend to see if she wants to come and chill with us at the BLVD too. We go and pick her up, and he's there. We hug tightly, and I just want to stay in his arms right there. But we invite him to the party as well, ha.

Scenario Two:

He just calls when he gets back into town and wants to see a movie or something at his house. Just chill because we haven't seen each other in two weeks.

I'm an idiot. A hopeless-romantic, idiot who's somewhat masochistic in creating such scenarios with some one that something might never happen with.

Then again, things might.

I'm too attached to this guy. I thought that giving us some space would help, like it had in the past, but I find myself just counting down the days now. Watching the hours. It's completely pathetic. I'm pathetic. UGH.

It's like I'm stuck in that obsessive, high school crush stage all over again. . . .

Maybe that's what Katy Perry means, haha.

"You make me feel like I'm living the Teenage Dream, the way you turn me on."

Insecure?

Today, I moved away from home. I've been waiting for this moment for the past few years.

It's weird though...I assumed I would have been a little more...ecstatic today. But instead, I'm feeling quite melancholy. I dunno what it is. Finally realizing that I have to meet a whole bunch of new people, go through some more awkward situations. Live with some one I don't know. Being away from the people I've lived with for the past 18 or so years? I can't be this depressed over a boy. There is no way. I'm attached to him, but I'm not THAT attached.

Or maybe I'm just scared to start my life. Maybe I'm starting to feel a little insecure about my life. About where I am, who I am, and what I want to become.

There's an icecream social in about 20 minutes. But I don't think I'll go. I think I'll watch Across the Universe or...500 Days of Summer. Or something.

I realized that exactly 2 years ago today, I went on my first date with Zack, and we went to go see 500 Days of Summer... ironic, haha. It's my most favorite movie in the world, and I'm excited to watch it.

Right now. (:

Countdown

Caribbean: -8 days

Move Out: 3 days

College: 7 days

Birthday: 95 days

Christmas: 132 days

2012: 140 days

Til he comes home: 5 days

yet his still seems the furthest away.

Wait A Week?

A week away from home with nothing but water, excursions, and models, and what do I realize I miss the most? A boy. Not even my family. Does that mean I'm a bad person?

I had a good time. I swam with stingrays and dolphins. I modeled, I competed. I talked with a few agents. I ate delicious food.

But really..I just wanted to come home to see a boy. People were really negative on the cruise. Always complaining, always back-talking, always the jealousy. And I just didn't want to go home because I knew the unnecessary fighting was going to continue.

I just wanted to be with some one in some place were life was peaceful. Happy. Soothing.

But I must still wait, even though I'm home.

One more week.

At least.

A simple plea

I had a great date last night.

Though I was a little annoyed at the beginning. But I got over that.

I was annoyed mainly because my date kept pulling out his phone and was texting.

I always get butterflies before I see this guy.

Yesterday, on my drive over to his house, my stomach was just in knots.

It's funny, having already gone on a few dates with him, and made out and spent 3 sleepless nights with him... I'm still completely worried that I'm gonna screw things up with him, by the way I act or look. I almost did with that ridiculous letter. I think I'm being a little too careful. He hasn't really seen me in full swing yet.

I really want things to work out between us.

We stayed up really late last night. I didn't get home until 7:30 this morning. But I was really happy with where I was. I didn't want to come back home. I didn't want to face reality.

I smile all the time when he's there. When I get home, my cheeks are just so sore.

But I like it. Not everybody can keep me smiling even if we aren't in the same room.

I felt some sort of personal connection with him last night/this morning. I dunno if he did, but I felt a little closer.

We kinda accidentally fell asleep on the couch...while cuddling in a spoon-like formation... (:

And I felt so comfortable there, even though it was sweltering hot, and we were sweaty with a blanket covering us.

I wish we could have stayed like that a little while longer. It made me feel wanted.

And when we hugged goodbye, I just felt like standing there in the living room for the rest of the day in that embrace. Things have been tough, but that hug made it worthwhile.

I really don't want to go to the Caribbean now. I want to be able to stay here and talk to him some more. I'm afraid that when I get back..we'll be going back down on this relationship roller coaster. And I'm worried that with school coming and everything...It may stay down.

But I really hope it doesn't. I'm terrified.

And now I'm getting emotional over this all. I'm such a baby.

Don't forget me, please.

Don't live vicariously.

Life throws unfair curveballs.

Depending on who you are, you may or may not be able to catch them.

I'm not one to catch a curveball.

Actually, I'm not one to catch a ball at all.

I have terrible hand-eye coordination.

I just kinda..see it coming at me...and twitch to the side, as to make sure it doesn't hit and hurt me.

But if I had caught life's curveballs...what kind of person would I be?

Strong?

What kind of strong? Strong and self-centered?

Or strong and empathetic?

Would I even be close to who I am today?

Sometimes I wish I had caught the ball.

But usually, I'm glad I didn't. Because I get to learn from the mistakes that were made. Grow stronger instead of internalizing and pretending I'm stronger.

I'm grateful for the decisions I've made in my life.

And I hope you are too.

Don't regret your decisions.

I know that's kind of...hypocritical of me to say..because of my last post..but I'm glad I did it now.

That guy kind of understands me a bit more now.

Understands that I've been hurt, and I just don't want to be hurt the same way again.

Don't regret.

If you regret, you're not really living.

Regret it.

Have you ever done something that you thought would be a great idea..but you end up regretting you ever did it?

I did something that I regret doing.

It's nothing terrible. Just...I feel like I may have ruined a good friendship with someone.

I sent a letter, telling this someone that I didn't think we should be dating. Right now at least. That we should just remain friends. We've done this whole off-and-on dating thing since late April I believe. And I'm sick of waiting around for him to decide that we either do or don't do something about it.

I have terrible patience. I told Aubrey that I would wait until right before I left to the Caribbean before I gave him an ultimatum. But I couldn't do it. I gave into my head and rashly broke things off.

And after I sent it...I felt awful. I couldn't believe I did it. But I just kinda got used to the fact that I did it, and moved on....until he texted me yesterday. He hadn't read the message yet. And I just felt...so uncomfortable. Like I should tell him not to go on facebook ever again.

But I didn't. And I don't know why. I just. . .let things happen the way I didn't want them to. I had control, but I didn't take it.

And I'm not even sure why I sent him that message in the first place.

I think it was just because I'm scared. Scared of the future. Scared of getting hurt.

There's been too much of that going on in my life as it is, and I didn't want him to be added to the mess.

The truth of the matter is: I'd LOVE to date him. I think I really like this guy. He's a sweetheart. He's been there for me throughout my tough week. I always get shy and tongue-tied around him. I can't ever really be my crazy self because of how nervous I am, haha. And he gives me goosebumps and butterflies. I don't think there's been a guy like that in my life for a while. At least, not to this extent.

I've been sitting in my room for the past few hours, debating whether I should text him back and just tell him the truth. That at the time it seemed right, because everything was going wrong. But now my heart and my head feel that we need this chance. Now.

If anybody reads this. . .do you have any advice?

No arms. No Legs. No Worries

This video is just so inspiring. Really. Watch it. After you've seen it, go look at yourself in the mirror.

everything will be ok

I found this today. It's a little bizarre if you aren't used to Don Hertz's stuff. But I really like it.

Though life seems terrible, and you feel like you're gonna die...everything will be okay.

Don't Trust Me

I admire those people who have such hard lives and still come out with nothing but a sincere smile on their face. I've been through enough shit myself, and I still try to make my life as happy as possible, but despite all my tribulations, things could be a lot worse.

A friend told me about a man in Tijuana that had absolutely nothing. If I remember right he didn't have much of a job. His house burned to the ground one day, and everything he owned was destroyed. Everything. Yet he was always willing to help out the volunteers that helped build a new house for him. He always brought smiles to every single one of those peoples faces.

Life is hard now. For me. Maybe my situation would be easy for you to go through, maybe not. But for me, it's hard. To put it simply...my dad's...out of the picture. His income gone, my mother barely making enough to keep the rest of us alive. Deep loathing between my family members, my family wanting me to move out as soon as possible, not wanting me to return. I'm not earning any money either, as for the fact that hollister is not giving me any hours. my cousin was just killed in a car accident today, and to top it all off...i don't have a friend consistent or..good enough to be able to come over to their house and just cry because i can't do that in the comfort of my own home without being yelled at.

But i still try to smile. . .I still try to pretend that everything is perfectly alright and that soon things will work themselves out. I pretend that someday my family will appreciate all the hard work I'm doing. I pretend that someday I'll finally be seen as a real friend, and not somebody to be used. I pretend that some day, I will find a friend myself, willing to be there when I need them, and when I don't need an emotional crutch.

Though I must say. . .most of the time I am a pretty convincing liar to myself. . .but i'm not sure I'm really believing myself anymore.

I wish I was Gandhi

It's Time

This kinda always happens to me.

And it kinda sucks.

Second best. That's right.

I push people away.

Scared to get hurt, but scared of being alone.

No one really understands me, who i am, or what my motives are.

I don't even really know.

But when I finally feel something is real, it gets taken away.

Almost lovers.

Time-restricted friends.

Temporary happiness.

Maybe. . .I'm meant to be alone in life.

Maybe I'm meant to be that independent person I once was a few years back.

Maybe I'm supposed to be career-driven. Never meant to meet anyone.

I so wanted it to be. . .or have a chance with. . .

I guess that was my chance.

I have no more chances.

Well. . .it was nice to know you. . .

Have a nice life. . .

Maybe we'll meet again sometime in the future, and maybe then we can be friends.

Time to move on, once again.

And although I feel a bit melancholy about it all, although I don't want to say goodbye, although I want to continue something that could never be, I think I'll be just fine.

Only a hint of scared. A taste of depression. But a flavor blast of adventure.

"Adventure is out there!"--Up

First Kiss

Oh the joys of first kisses.... (: I remember every single one of mine.

Boys I've kissed:

Jimmy Sandstrom

Cheney Doane

Zack Smith

Justin Tingey

Jonah Bolton

Blake Newman

The boys I've enjoyed kissing...now that's another story :)

My first kiss:

Cheney Doane, during a spin the bottle game in 8th grade at Lindsay Mcsweeny's birthday party. I was dating Henry Polecek at the time, haha..

For once, I have so much on my mind, but I have no idea what to say.

I'm so confused. About it all.

I'm torn. I'm hurting. I'm ashamed. I'm loathing. I'm regretting. I'm apologetic. I'm stumped.

I'm alone, now that every one is gone.

I'm afraid I'm gonna need more help than just a blog. But this is all I've got.

Ultimatum

I hate ultimatums. But sometimes, they are for the best.

I know from experience that Ultimatums push people away.

But I've got to do what I've got to do.

If I'm stuck here...in limbo...

Look, mister, it's either do or don't.

It's either yes or no.

There can't be anything between.

I give you a week.

Starting today.

And if there's no change...before I leave on my cruise...

*makes cutting motion across neck*

When life hands you lemons...

Life can be hard.

I know from great experience.

And I've seen life threatened, taken, and given.

I've seen life scared of itself.

I've seen life joyous.

I've seen life envious.

I've seen life hate-filled.

And I've seen life regretful.

Life can be hard.

Especially when you see your family fall apart.

Particularly one family member.

But that doesn't mean I need to let it control my life.

My life is separate.

Separate from yours.

Separate from hers.

And separate from his.

I'm proud of my life.

I'm grateful I'm the one that gets to lead it.

Though life is hard, I am going to live it with a heartfelt smile on my face.

With love in my heart.

And with Life in my hands.

I dedicate this to the two people who have helped me more than I deserve this past week:

Aubrey and Blake.

Remember. Lemons is just melons spelled a different way. And melons are delicious. (:

What if Rain Drops Were Candy Bars and Milkshakes?

Today, I took a nice walk down memory lane.

My first step onto the smooth pavement involved my interaction with a friend I have not hung out with in years.

We only took a few steps down that path together. Only recalling nice memories we've had in the past few months.

Catching up is a short journey.

The side walk had a few cracks we had to jump over, though. Zack is an interesting memory to bring up.

Then, when she departed, I kept walking along.

I sat at a bench to recall some pieces I used to play on the piano.

I played those pieces for maybe an hour.

Partway down the walk, I found my garage.

In it, I found a box. A box full of pirated Disney VHS movies my parents bought in Taiwan while we lived there.

I remember watching those movies when I was a weeeeeee tot.

I took a couple out an watched them with my mother.

Cinderella (with chinese captions at the bottom of course) aaaaand

BARNEY.

Oh how I remember watching barney non stop when I was little.

I've gotta say, watching Cinderella was like skipping halfway down the road.

But watching barney was like getting in a rocket, and blasting myself all the way to the very end of the road in a matter of seconds.

I still remember all of the words to all of the songs.

Along with the dance moves.

And I haven't seen this movie in over a decade.

I realize now that while I was paving this path of memories to where I am now, I didn't bother stopping at all to see where I was. I just laid brick after brick, not looking around once to see where I was coming from, where I was, or where I was going. I pity myself for not seeing how important my life is, and savoring each moment I had when I was a child. Because Life only gets harder from here on out. So I must do precisely this from now on.

Mary Jane, look at what you've got now. Cherish it, love it, be grateful it's in your life. If you feel the need, express your gratitude, and document what happens. So if you look back 10 years from now, you know that you didn't waste away your younger self.

It's gotta be a good life

I can't sleep.

Either life is too great to sleep.

Or I have a sleeping disorder.

Oh wait...ha.

Just 6 hours ago, I was at a Hellogoodbye concert.

Amazing. Best day of my life.

First band that played, Lovecapades, noticed how crazy my friends and I danced.

They came and hung out with us throughout the rest of the concert.

And asked us to go to IHOP with them after.

But not all of us live in Provo.

Hellogoodbye was insane.

So good live.

I got them to sign my shirt. (:

And we took a picture with them.

And on top of it all..things may not be over with a certain person I ended things with two weeks ago.

Not that there was much to end.

But he still wants to date me.

Instead of not seeing each other period.

But now I can't sleep.

And I really need it.

My friend's farewell is in 4ish hours from now.

Maybe I'll put on my sleep playlist.

And read some Harry Potter.

Love's Secret--William Blake

Never seek to tell thy love,

Love that never told can be;

For the gentle wind doth move

Silently, Invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,

I told her all my heart,

Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.

Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,

A traveller came by,

Silently, invisibly:

He took her with a sigh.

Let Me In

Do you think of me when I think of you?

Do you reminisce those captivating moments,

Like remembering words to a favorite forgotten song?

Our adventures are the tune

But how we felt is the lyrics.

Do you let the blank, tarnished pages of a broken relationship further digress?

Or try to preserve and cherish what used to be?

Do you dwell on what could have, would have, or might have been?

Question your authority to control your own life?

Or let it all slip through the cracks of your fingers,

Watching those special moments trickle out of your grasp

And seep into the ground, letting the world trod over them?

Do you ache to remember the grazing of lips?

The sweeping of hair?

The brush of skin?

The electric continuity between us?

Do you wish to inhale the aroma once believed to be so intoxicating?

Do you miss the close proximity of our beings?

The feeling that the only living things in existence were beneath the same night sky?

Do you long to discover the life behind those aged, yet excited eyes?

Because I do.

I want to relive those sleepless nights.

I want to remember the way we felt.

I want to feel the touch of skin.

I want to know.

You.

money sucks.

Today, I found that when I have a problem, and I really need to talk to a friend...I have no idea who to turn to. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the next year, financially. Absolutely no idea. With my parent's divorce, and my father's situation, we lose his income. We were already tight with money as it is. Not even living paycheck to paycheck. And now college is coming at such an awful time. I'm only getting $5500 in grant money. That doesn't even cover my tuition. Let alone my books and my housing, and my gas money, and living. I'm not getting any hours at hollister at all. Literally. And I can't find another job that'll help me earn more and give me better hours when I can only work certain nights because of school. I have classes from 6-8pm on tuesdays and thursdays. I've already used up all I had in my saving's account to help pay for my gas and lessons and such. I have nothing.

But I can't stay home for the school year either. I just...can't handle my family anymore. Especially with what is going on. I can't handle the personal stress on top of my school work. I am taking 7 classes after all.

And I sit here now, tearing up. My mother at my door yelling at me, telling me how much of a financial burden I am. What am I supposed to do? Not go to college? I seem to be nothing but an inconvenience to my mother. At least, that's what she's been telling me for the past month.

I really wish a had a good enough friend who would just...let me stay with them for a bit. I can't handle my home life right now. There's far too much shit going on.

The only person who would is Kelly. And she now goes to college, so it's not like I can drive down to provo and live in her dorm. I have no one to tell this too. I don't want to be a burden on anyone else's lives.

So I get to sit here, locked up in my room. All by myself. No one to confess to besides this blog that no one reads.

Dummy

Last night, I had a boy tell me that he loved me.

Yeah, I've known him for a couple years, but we never actually started talking til last week.

We've hung out like..3 times. Total. Ridiculous. And he had this HUGE thing for this girl just yesterday.

You cannot tell a girl you love her. Especially if you've only been acquainted with her for a week.

The following is the conversation we shared:

"Mary Jane?"

"Yes..."

"It's [enter name here]. Soandso said you're a crappy texter. Is that true?"

"I dunno. My phone sucks when I text. It types different words"

"Can I tell you something?"

"um, okay"

"Never mind. You're a cold texter......or do you just not like me?"

"I just don't know what you're texting me about, that's all. I get a little defensive"

"Mary Jane, I love you. Whaddya have to say that??"

"Cuz I get weird texts from people, and I'm stuck in an awkward situation"

"Is this one of those situations?"

"I dunno...did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

"Yes"

"...then its a little awkward."

"Oh....k I get it. Sorry to have wasted your time!"

"What about that girl...?"

"She's not responding me. And I mean. I thought we had something...you ever been on a real nice date?"

"Yes...Abel, not to be rude or anything, but I'm not a rebound.."

"Wasn't even going out with her....and idk, maybe it was just your personality. But it was really easy talking to you and the way you read that poem tonight...you have a really soothing voice"

"Well thanks, but I think you are rebounding. I've been through the same thing, and trust me, it's better to have some time in between...girls. You need to rediscover your life without some one."

"Ouch, you are a cold woman. Can we just talk then? Get to know you better?"

"I'm not trying to be cold, I'm being honest...i mean...i have to do it too. I'm still attached to some one as you are that girl."

"Then how long will it take you?"

"I'm not sure. To be completely honest...I have a feeling that him and I need to try again. I just need to give him time."

"I thought you were serious when you said you ended it. What do you see in him?"

"A lot. He's a sweetheart. He's funny, he practically has the same personality as me. He's a considerate gentleman, and very talented."

"Gotcha"

Boys...are IDIOTS. Like really. He even asked me for advice on that girl just an hour or so before that text. I am so done.

HARRY POTTER :)

Constant anticipation

Excitement flooding my body

Life pulsating through

The feeling that life always has a sequel

But what happens when it doesn't?

A hole is formed

An un-fillable hole

It's coping mechanism: constant reminiscence

I die a little more every time I think about it

What happens now?

A childhood spent waiting for the next one...

What's next?

Life.

Jubilation

So, today I started a choir class at the University's Institute. It's a Jubilation Choir for Special Ed students. And I must say, even though their tonedeafness kills me, I love it there. Each student is amazing in his/her own way, and are so full of life and energy. I'm really going to enjoy this class, and I think you all should try something like this at some point in your life. It's truly inspiring.

Crinkle

So...I think I'm in love with a gay boy. Haha. But i'm not joking. He's cute, a sweetheart, a little scrawny, and a great dancer. He's in my hiphop class. And he's my partner in our lyrical hiphop piece.

I really wish he wasn't gay. He'd be perfect. Kinda.

Now let me see your mood SWING!

I seriously think I am officially bipolar. I can be fine one minute, hyper the next, and then completely crash into nothingness. stupid people in this world..they seriously can't grow up.

I think that's one of the main reason's for life's unhappiness. People can't agree with others. People don't think the same way. It's a wonder the world turns at all. I can hardly keep a relationship going because I don't agree with one person. How does the world keep everything else going when no one else thinks like them?

I admit, I can tolerate people I don't know just to get things done, but having to work with some one constantly, getting to know them....I'd go insane with all their habits and thoughts and..everything. I'm starting to get worried that I'm ever gonna end up with anyone at all. I can be so picky and anal.

But I do tolerate my friends....so maybe I'm not at a complete loss. To whomever meets me in the future: good luck handling me. I'm way to sassy to be dealt with.

1 box down

I finally finished packing my first box for college today. It's not even going to college with me. It's staying in the garage. But at least it's done. That's one box down, and a ton more to go. I didn't know I had so much crap in my room, and in my room alone.

I also signed up for some institute classes today to fill up the rest of my summer. I have doctrine and covenants on mondays and wednesdays, and jubilation choir on tuesdays and thursday with the special ed kids :) I'm excited to work with them.

And then I have dance tuesdays-thursdays, and piano on mondays, so my week is pretty much full, thank goodness. I'm starting to get really bored with life. Especially now that a certain some one is out of it...kind of.

Don't you want to stay?

I told him.

Not sure how I feel.

Sad?

Upset?

Regretful?

No. I shouldn't feel any of these.

The weight has been lifted.

Kind of.

I don't just want to be friends though.

But he doesn't know what he wants.

Personally, I think that shows immaturity.

But I can't tell him that.

It'd probably ruin his pride.

Probably.

Which is why I wrote about it in my other blog.

I still wish I was gutsy.

Gutsy enough to tell him he's a wuss.

Gutsy enough to just...make things happen for me.

But I get to continue to wait.

Wait for the one.

Wait for life.

Give me life.

Or give me death.

But really, I'd prefer life.

So hurry.

Because I want to move on.

Life moves too slow.

PS

"Don't you want to stay here a little while?"

Does the world exist?

I don't know what's gotten into me. I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out. What happened? Did I really lose all of my friends? Does no one really want to talk to me anymore? Or is it all in my head? Will some one please show that they care? I've tried to reach out to every one. But no one's really responding. . .

Tell me!

"I missed you today."

"What?"

"I missed you today."

"You missed me today? Why?"

"I dunno. I just wanted to hang out with you today, but you were so far away."

If you miss me, talk to me. Don't get me wrong, that's sweet and all. But I'd appreciate some acknowledgment of my existence every now and then. If you miss me, do something about it. Don't just tell me that you do.

No More

I can't just live like this. I can't pretend that I don't have feelings for this guy, and turn around and just wish I was with him.

He's playing with my heart, and to be honest, I don't like it.

I don't need another Zack or another Tingey.

I'm through with pretending that there is nothing between us. I know there is, but he doesn't want to admit to it.

I feel the need to just...Tell him that yes, I do have feelings for him. No, if we're not going to do anything about it then I can't see him anymore. It's only fair. I feel like I'm holding out just to get a chance with him. But why? Maybe I've already had my chance with him. Maybe it's his turn to want a chance with me.

But could I move on to some one knew? I'm not too sure. But if I'm wanting to get married, I can't wait for a guy who's going to put me on hold.

I need some one who's going to WANT to be with me. And not just put me as the "second task," or whatever you want to call it.

It's a one-sided relationship. I've dealt with those. I don't need it. I need some one who wants to do anything for me as much as I want to do anything for him.

How dare you play the age card. How dare you say that three years is a big difference. That we're at different points in our life. That you need to date for marriage. I'm probably closer to getting married than you are! I'm probably more ready for marriage than you think you are! I've been ready to settle down and have kids (mentally) for years now. At least I'm not scared to admit that I want some one. At least I'm not scared to commit. At least I'm not scared to take the next step into life, the only thing that's holding me back is the wait!

The thing I am scared of. . .is telling this to him to his face.

PS

"You know you can't give me what I need, and even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything."

Uneasy

I want to talk to him. I do. But I feel like I'm just...talking to talk. I can't tell him what's really on my mind. I'm scared of him thinking I'm weird, or insecure, or annoying, or whatever else. I'm scared of losing him as a friend. But at the same time...I want more than just friendship.

But what does he want? I get a friend vibe after a date. But when we hang out..it's like all we want from each other is physical. And it's not like we come out and say that or actually do it. I can tell that's what we want just by the looks we give each other. The tension we suddenly feel when we get too close together. And this could, and usually does, happen when we're with his sister or other people.

I feel trapped. In a bad way. I feel so free and happy when I text him, and he's actually talking back, not just making small talk. He makes me a giggly girl again. When I'm not in contact with him. I feel like a woman approaching her middle age. Going no where with life, no family, no job. . .as if I really am a woman who has done nothing with her life. Like I lost my childhood. But he helps me rediscover it.

I always text first though. Always. And I don't want to be a nuisance. But I know that I already am.

I don't know what to do.

Off My Chest. Finally.

I personally think it's about time to reveal the woes of my past relationship.

I think I really am completely over it. But just to make sure, I need to get it all out of my system on this. I think it'll really help. That way I feel like I'm not just bottling up what happened in my soul. It's out in the open and any one can see what h

appened if they really wanted. This is going to be an extremely long post. And more than likely, no one is going to get through it all. But at least I will.

I met Zack in London, July 6th, 2009. Well, more like the airport in SLC, but I never talked to him until London. I didn't think much of him. At first glance to me, he wasn't that all attractive. Really tall, big nose, big head, a little on the h

eavy side, dark hair, dark eyes. Not at all my type. So I didn't pay much attention to him at all. First conversation w

e had, I think, was that I was allergic to seafood, and that's w

hy I wouldn't eat fish and chips. So I ordered sausage and chips instead, and he ended up eating half of my food. Then I didn't talk to him again until a week later in Switzerland. He was still...weird to me. Too weird.

But when we got to Germany another week later, he began to grow on me. I realized he was really funny, kind of a sweetheart, and just...all around different. I got a crinkle (in case you don't know what that it, is the miniature version of a crush). I felt my first stab of jealously when I saw him leaning up against the wall over my best friend on tour, Natisha. I wished I was her. But I didn't say anything. I remember her coming ba

ck to my room, asking what was going on between her and Zack, especially since I knew that he already had a girlfriend back home. She said nothing, and, if I remember correctly, she hoped nothing would. And I kind of took that a

s the okay to flirt with him for the next week in Greece, as everyone else, including Natisha, flew back home to Utah.

Greece was amazing. And I think even more so becau

se I was completely infatuated. My little crinkle blew into a crush. I wished, then, that he wouldn't have had a girlfriend. I felt terrible... like the "other woman." But I couldn't help falling for him. He was hilarious, had fairly good insight, and was easy to make fun of. And he was kind. He endured 2-3 hours worth of shopping around in the Plaka in Athens with me just to find one dress, and a pair of sandals. We snuck off together, went to the roof of the hotel, and played in the mist showers, took naps in

the sun, and looked at the Parthenon as the sun set into darkness.

I remember on our drive back to the hotel, we were listening to our iPods,

comparing music, and he could not stop making fun of how sissy and girly my music was. (Boy did that change).

He also bought a bracelet in Greece that I just LOVE

D and wanted for my own, so I would steal it, and we'd alw

ays have a game at trying to get it back, even on the several plane rides home. We had lunch together during our 6 hour layovers in Detroit, and rode the Red express train back and forth through the airport, and played Ninja Destruction on the moving sidewalks.

When we finally got back into Salt Lake, he gave me his number, and told me I'd better text him, gave me a hug, and I assumed that was going to be it. But I texted him the next day, around 2 or 3 in the morning. Both of our sleep cycles were destroyed by jetlag. So we texted all night, nonstop. Asking questions, getting to know each other a little better, joke around a bit. I think we got to sending almost 1000 texts to each other a

day. It was insane.

Then we started to have Reunions with everyone from Europe, and I remember being just..so depressed. Natisha was always at the re

unions, and I could tell that Zack really liked her. Like u

sual, I was second. Sloppy second, never first. I cried myself to sleep for a while. But I was always the one talking to Zack, not Natisha. And after a few weeks, Zack told me he thought he had more feelings for me. We hung out more, he came to my house, I went to his. We attended football games, and so on. Finally, on August 20th, 20

09, we decided to officially become a couple. Through text, no less. I wasn't too pleased

, but it was better than nothing.

But I didn't know he hesitated to become my boyfriend because he was still with his exgirlfriend, doing God know's what

with her... He was no virgin. I know that. But I looked passed that, and thought that maybe this guy was worth it.

On August 22nd, 2009, we had another reunion, thi

s time at Natisha's house. I thought everything was going to be perfectly fine..until we got there. Zack was all over he

r, flirting with her, tickling her, stealing her phone, pulling her close, having his arm around her while watching a movie...all in front of me. I was s

o pissed, upset, and betrayed. How could he, only 2 days into our relationship?

I pulled him off of her and took him and Mikelle home that night...I didn't say a word to him, and I swore the rest of the way home. Mikelle was shocked, obviously. She had never heard me swear like a mad sailor before. I didn't just bawl that night. I was hysterical. The tears would not stop. I called my best friend, Ruthie, and asked her what I should do. I don't really remember her opinion...but I remember ca

lling Natis

ha, and told her the situation. She felt horrible. I called Zack and told him what he did.

His excuse? Old habit. I was so angry. But I decided that it would just be pointless to give up on the relationship now. So I forgave him, told him I'll get over it eventually, and look past it for the time being. What a stupid mistake.

Things were shaky for a bit. I had a hard time trusting him, but I tried. The relationship in itself was hard to maintain, especially since he didn't have a car, or a license for that fact. Zack was 5 months older, and I was designated driver. I

drove to West Jordan and back to Bountiful every single day. It was exhausting, especially in my '82 Ford Truck that couldn't go faster than 55 miles an hour. But we made it work.

In November 2009, I found out that he was still in contact with his exgirlfriend, and her best friend, Laura. I also found out that he used to like Laura, so obviously, I wasn't comfortable with the situation. For my birthday, w

e all went to Vegas to celebrate, and I told him one morning that I thought he should just lay off talking to them for a couple weeks just so I can get myself together and see what I was really okay with.

But also....something amazing happened in Vegas. We were on Fremont....looking at the LED light show that they have. "Born to be Wild" was the song they played that year. I remember looking up at Zack through my camera, taking a picture, and realizing that there was no one else I wanted in the world. Just him. That he could be the one. I fell in love with him, but I didn't want to say I loved him just yet...That's why we came up with the term "Luvke." inbetween like and love.

A couple weeks passed, and I finally decided that I just could not have Zack talking to those two girls, especially with how much of a flirt he was, and his history with those girls. He agreed, and I thought the problem was settled.

Now, I started getting sick. Really sick. I missed most of my junior year. I had always known I had a heart problem, but I never knew the severity of it until that year. I was in the emergency room almost every weekend, maybe a couple times every other week as well, just for the pain that I was having. If I could compare the pain to anything...think heart attack. But even though I was in the hospital so much......I had to beg Zack to come visit me. I just wanted the one person I loved the most to be there in my hour of need, and he would always say he's busy watching movies, or

playing pool, or sledding with his friends. Maybe

it's me.....but I don't think I need to beg...and I don't think a boyfriend should grudgingly visit his girlfriend after she's come out of the hospital.

Then in December 2009/January 2010, I found out that he was talking to his ex and Laura again. Behind my back. My trust was already shot, and this made it worse. But I loved him enough to tell him I'll look past it, and just make sure he didn't do it again. But things never really recovered for us. Sure, we loved each ot

her...at least from my point of view....and we hung out every day, did almost everything imaginable in Utah. But we fought a lot. Mainly because I can be picky, but also because he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing....hanging out with girls he liked alone....back talking me to his friends....letting his friends call me such horrid names....and I was scared I was going to lose him. I was so stupid.

So, for spring break, I decided it would be good for us to just...get away. So I took him to New York. We spent the week there, just the two of us, at my aunt's house. Going all over the city. And everything seemed to be okay. I remember talking to him a couple days before we were going to fly home....and he said he planned on breaking up as soon as we got back. But for some reaso

n, we didn't. But our fights weren't getting any better. After he graduated high school, we were going to go on another trip to the grand canyon with my family. But our fight was so bad....we broke up for the weekend.

To get things out of the dark, yes. Zack

was a little violent. I got a few bruises. He said awful things to me. But I remember the time I was most scared of zack...I was sitting in his computer chair in his room during our fight, and he was so enraged, he got up tipped my chair almost all the way back and was just....shaking me. His eyes.....I can't forget the look in his eyes. As if he'd like nothing better than to just take a knife to me.

And let the records show that Zack is 6'2" and about 220 pounds. At that point, I was only 5'3" and 100 pounds. He was more than twice my size.

Anyway, back to the story. During our 3

day break...he decided to go clubbing, had a contest with his friends to see how many girls they could dance with, and he won. And swore he wouldn't get back with me. But he did...

I remember talking to him. Deciding whether to break up or not. I tried to keep us together, but for a brief part of the conversation, we were content on staying apart. And I remember him..crying. One of the only times I saw that. I asked him why.

"I'm going to miss this. I'm going to mis

s your face, your hair, your little quirk you have in your fingers as if you're always playing the piano, your scar on your shoulder, your beautiful eyes, our fun together..I'm going to miss us."

And that about broke my heart. It was one of the only times I made a boy cry. And I felt awful.

We did end up going to Grand Canyon together. And like usual, or family got into a fight, and my dad almost attacked me, and Zack, being as loving as he could be, was about to jump in front of me and take my own father down. And I just loved him even more for that. This was in June of 2010.

June 28th is his birthday. I did everything I could to make it amazing. 18 is a big deal, I guess. I took him horseback riding, we had a romantic night....I did everything that made him happy. But I also was finding out around that same time that he was talking to Laura again, behind my back. I was frustrated. But I tried to look past it, like usual. But things went all wrong at his family's birthday dinner.

I wasn't feeling well, but I knew I had to go. So I tried to suck it up. I was already upset about Laura, but I tried to suck it up. But at dinner, Zack decided to ignore me through out all of dinner. So I was upset. I went to a restaurant that served mainly seafood while I was sick and upset just for him, and he ignore me. I had to excuse myself so I could go cry in the bathroom. I came back, and Zack tried to act all concerned for me, and as we got up to leave, he tried to put his arm around my waste like he usually did....but I refused. And to this day, I still wish I hadn't.....and I don't know why.

That night, his family got into a huge fight, and Zack was instructed to take me back to his house. I didn't talk to him on the drive over, and I figured the best thing for him was just to leave him alone, so as soon as we got back to his house, I just sat on the curb, called my mom, and asked for her to pick me up. Zack came out of the house, yelled at me..telling me how ridiculous I was, how I ruined everything, how awful of a person I was, and I believed him. So I just started walking down the street to give him space. Halfway down, he pulled up to me in his car, telling me that I better get in. And of course...I was scared, so I got in. We fought and we hardly got to Redwood Road when he decided that It was time for me to get out.

And he left me there. On Redwood Road at 9:00 at night, by myself, in West Jordan. He went back to his stepmom's place. I ran after his car, scared to death. I was in a short dress, and already getting cat calls from guys across the street. I ran as best as I could without my heart giving out. I only got from 7000 s to 7800 s when I was getting calls from everyone. My mom and dad, his mom and dad, and his step brother and step sister. All of them telling me they are trying to calm Zack down, trying to help me out, trying to keep the relationship alive...but I already knew I was at a loss.

We didn't talk for a couple days after that. And finally, I came over to apologize to him, and we planned the day of our official break up. July 21st, 2010. A day after our 11 month anniversary.

The days leading up to our anniversary were bittersweet. The night before...I found out he was going to visit Laura. I was uncomfortable, but I couldn't do anything. I asked, for my sake, that he'd leave by midnight. And he agreed. When midnight rolled around, I called and asked if he had left yet.

"um, no, I haven't. I lost Cinder, I have to find her." Cinder was his new puppy he adopted from the Humane society. I got worried. I didn't want Zack out alone on the street looking for Cinder at such a late hour. I wanted to at least help. But as soon as I called back, his phone was off. I was scared, worried to death about his safety, so I did what I did best with him, and cried. Finally around 3 in the morning, he turns his phone back on, and I asked what happened.

"Oh, I didn't really lose Cinder. I was still at Laura's. I just didn't want to have to deal with you, especially because I wanted to stay longer with her. "

It hurt. we only had one more night together, and this was how he wanted to end it.

Our date that day was....

We went to "Jump On It" in Lindon. He made me a bunny at build-a-bear with a personalized voicebox in it.

"I love you, Mary Jane." That's what I hear every time I press it's paw. And it's a lie. Right now, it's hidden somewhere underneath all my other stuffed animals in a loft above my room by the attic. I don't have the heart to take it down. Though I'd really love to mail it back to him...that would make my day.

Then our relationship was "over." But that didn't stop us from hanging out. We became friends with benefits. But he was very rude to me ever since.

I decided that one night in my life, I just needed to be bad. So I snuck out, and met him at 1 in the morning. We went to walmart, got some food, and went back to his house. We stayed up all night....and I was happy, kind of. Not really. Around 9 o'clock, he started ignoring me again. So I went out and sat on the curb in front of his house, and cried in the pouring rain. I came back in, and we started fighting again. Then finally, he said something that cut deep.

"No Mary Jane, I don't love you. I love Laura."

I ran. Ran to my car, and drove. All I wanted to do at that point was just get in a car accident and kill myself. I was suicidal. I had been before, but I had never been so close to committing....

So I drove myself to my mom's work and told her to take me to the hospital.

I was on house arrest for a month or so. Forced to see a therapist. Forced to take antidepressants. Antidepressants that kept me up, which is no good since I already have 2 sleeping disorders.

The first day of my senior year, he came over with our parents to formally end things. We said our goodbyes, and had a pact that we were not allowed to make contact with each other for at least 90 days.

I was 95 pounds. When I first met Zack, I was 128. I dropped 33 pounds because of him. the last 15 within a week.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I threw up everything. And when I did sleep, I dreamt of Zack. Nightmares. Him telling me how awful I was, breaking my heart over and over again, and even some of us fighting to the point where he actually killed me. I slept with my mom for a month. At least. I lost my best friend. I lost the man I thought I was going to marry. We had talked about it after all. If we were both graduated from highschool, and we were still together, than we might as well.

I cried every day. I was miserable. And I found that I was completely alone with out him. I didn't have any friends at school because I had secluded my life to just him in my Junior year.

It took a while, but I was starting to become happy again. I started dating Justin Tingey. Sure, it was just for a bet of his, but his crap kinda helped me get over Zack's crap.

And then my birthday came. November 18th, 2010, Zack contacted me.

"Happy Birthday =)" word. for. word. ha. I remember opening my phone, seeing the number and then the message....and I just cried. Of everything in the world, Zack was the one to bring me to my hands and knees just because he said happy birthday. And I started talking to him again. I said thanks, asked how life was.....and everything just started up again, but we never put a title back on ourselves. Open relationship: I HATE THEM. He came over that night to watch the Hangover with me and Amanda, while every one else when to the Harry Potter 7 pt 1 premier. And as soon as he left, I cried again. Amanda thought I was stupid to let him come over, and she was right.

Zack texted me a week after that telling me that I should go for him again. I already was. We started going on dates again, started hanging out almost every day again. For Christmas, he got me a replacement treble clef necklace made out of 10 karat diamonds. I ended up being allergic to it, haha. On new years, I lost the promise ring he had bought me a half a year back. And he promised to get me a new one.

But I was having problems with Laura. Zack talked to her constantly. He said he didn't like her anymore. But I didn't believe that.

We had planned a date one night. He was going to take me ice skating, because I had to practice for my competency test, but he called last minute and said he was feeling sick. I found out the next morning on facebook that he spent the night with Laura and her friends instead. We moved our date to monday. But he called monday and said that he couldn't go. He had to go home and watch a game with his dad. I remember telling him that he'd better be telling the truth. That I didn't want to find out later that he was actually sneaking over to Laura's behind my back. He promised he wasn't.

His promises mean nothing. He came over on tuesday. We sat on my bed and watched 500 days of summer, I think. So..serendipitous. That was our first date..we went to go see that movie in theaters, haha. Everything seemed alright. We flirted, we kissed, he tickled me. The usual. he went home. An hour later, I get a text message.

"I have to be honest with you. I have been seeing Laura behind your back. I love her. I did go see her yesterday, I just wanted to be with her. Last saturday, we cuddled, and we kissed. I'm not stopping what's happening between me and Laura. We're over."

None of my friends know the pain I went through that night. I screamed. I clawed myself. I tore up my own artwork. Zack and I were so close...emotionally and, sadly, we got a little too far physically. And to have to find out I was losing him to Laura, once again....I didn't want to live.

Every one at school knew something was up. I couldn't hide it. I cried through all of my classes.

Choir was hard. Chamber was hard. We were having auditions for the Valentine's concert, and Joe Maloy and I were practicing "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. It's Zack and my song. I was going to sing it for him for the concert as a surprise. And I didn't think I could go through with the audition. But I didn't want to hold back that chance for Joe either. So I went ahead an auditioned with that song. And yes, we did get the spot in the concert, and we were awesome.

But I didn't have closure with Zack. He wasn't answering my phone calls, so I called from my mother's phone.

"Hello?"

"Zack, I need to talk to you."

He sighed, "No, I don't want to talk."

*click*

Usually, my rash decisions are pretty good. So I went with it. I had my mom drive my over to the place he was currently living (with friends), and knocked. He answered and asked me what I was doing there.

"Oh, it's you. Why are you here?"

"I need closure. You can't expect to have you're last word through text."

"well that's too bad. because I did."

"Look, can we just talk in private?"

"No." Keep in mind this was in front of about 8 friends of his. I tried to grab his arm to pull him down stairs, but he gripped my wrist instead.... He twisted my arm back behind me, and it killed. The pain was excruciating. I screamed. And his friends tried to get him off me, but he just would not let go. And I was definitely not strong enough to get him off of me. So I bit him. Hard enough to make him release a little out of reflex, but not hard enough to hurt him. I took a few steps back, gave his 10 karat diamond necklace to some friend, and ran off.

And I felt good. I went to his step brother's house. Told him what happened, said my goodbyes, and went to Zack's dad's house to get everything I painted for zack back. I loved those paintings, and I wanted them. I didn't want them to lay wasted in the back of his closet. It was the closure I needed.

Sure, I was heartbroken. Sure, I cried a little more. But I got over it more quickly this time.

I still think about him sometimes. As much as he hurt me, I still hope he's happy with Laura. I hope that they have a better relationship than we did. Because I know that my next boyfriend and I will have a much better relationship.

I love Zack....but it's just so hard to picture us together. I find it weird that we were even together. I just can't see it. At all. we look weird, and awkward.

I did see him at an ADTR concert. Back in March. That freaked me out. Made me a little mad, but because of him, I got a free VIP box ticket during the concert. So it was for the better. :)

He did contact me a month or so ago. Telling me I was immature for sending his family a graduation announcement. Haha, I politely told him that he was the one being immature, and that I didn't want him making contact with me again.

I haven't been so happy....since Europe of 2009. New life, new people. Whether anything starts with a certain some of them or not, who knows? At least I can honestly say that yes, I have baggage, but I have no need to carry it. I left it at the airport and plan on using whatever comes to me.

I don't regret Zack. I'm not ashamed of Zack. Zack taught me to grow up. He showed me everything I didn't want in my future husband. And I'm glad that he's not the one I'm going to marry.

That and I don't cry as much as I used to. Except for during really good movies... :)

I love life. I love life without Zack. I love life with the people I have in it.

I barely think about him anymore. I felt bad the other day because it's been more than a week since his birthday, and I completely forgot that it even happened. Haha. I guess that's just good news though.

I really am over him. I'm proud of myself. And I've been ready for the next chapter in my life to start for months now.

So future husband, it would be very much appreciated if you would show yourself now :) Because I'm almost ready.

Almost.