A Personal Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I know I've asked a lot of you lately. And as I look back on it, things may have been a little selfish and undeserving. But I could really use the help this time. And I felt the need to write it out, so I can organize my thoughts a little better, and make sure I don't leave out anything. For my own sake.

I agree with the fact that my life has definitely taken a 180 flip since...2009. And I'm working at bettering myself every day. You know that. You're the only one who truly sees that. I want to be better. I desire the ability to do what I was once able to do. And I agree that I am much happier than just a year or two ago. But there is still this emptiness within me.

Now people tell me everyday that I'm young. Too young. But I beg to differ. I believe I have an old soul. A soul years older than the body it resides in. And you and I both know what this soul longs for.

I don't expect things to go my way. Ever. But it would be nice if something just...turned out right. No offense, but I'm tired of having things fall through--of things being executed, but failing epically.

Life is extremely difficult at home. And that's a big issue for me. There's really no place that I can turn to and say "This is home. I feel safe. I feel happy." And right now, there's nothing else in the world I could want more than to have a home (yes, maybe even of my own) to feel welcome in. A home to feel the spirit. But I can't accomplish this alone.

I need guidance through this tough time. Guidance to help me keep my mother and sisters on their feet. Guidance to help me make the right choices. Guidance to chose the right person...

I ask nothing more than guidance and peace.

I am ready.

Love,

Mary Jane

For the Better

I had a weird day. Today, i actually just...followed my instincts. I felt like I shouldn't go to Bio. I felt like I needed to go home. And I felt like I needed to go to costco. And I have no idea why. But i did it. But I guess it kind of helped. I've been feeling a bit depressed for the past couple days. And I felt better after it all. Life has it's reasons.

Word of advice: just follow that voice in your head. more than likely, it's probably for the better.

Change of Scenery

well. I finally told him the truth. we hung out last night, and i promised myself I wasn't going to kiss him. but i did. because I'm stupid. I feel eh...I don't know. happy, because now I can date people without feeling i'm in a messed up relationship with him. but at the same time....i'm kinda mad at what he said to me. he pulled the age card again. which is dumb. it made me pissed. but i finally opened up to him and half/told him some intimate details about the darkest part of my life. and I had a really fun time with him last night. so everything is just kind of messed up right now.

and I have a date in less than an hour. so...i don't know how much fun i'm going to be.

I hate how he does this. I'm always in a bad mood after i drop him off. gah.

he'll see some day. he'll see that he needs to change. hopefully.

some words of endearment would help.

Don't Bug Me.

I'm trying to get the guts up to ask Tyler on a date this saturday. Amanda and I are going to the Berillious Requiem Concert, and we both have extra tickets to take dates. So that's our deal. I would really like to ask Tyler. But I'm a wimp. I just can't. We were trying to introduce ourselves to everyone in the choir today, and Tyler came up to me and pointed his finger to me, as if ready to ask me what my name was, but some one else answered for me, and I just kind of moved on. I couldn't talk to him. It was one of the most exhilarating instances in my life since I started college.

I also am starting some study dates with a guy named Peter. :) no, not Peter Parker. I actually don't know his last name yet. All I know is that he got back from his mish 4 weeks ago, he went to Iceland/Denmark, and he went to East High. And that he has a little sister my age. But he's cute. and sweet. And I officially like my math classes now.

Also, over the weekend, I did a retreat. Kind of like a leadership conference for LDSSA. It was way fun. And there was this guy...named Jake. Just Jake. I don't know his last name either. He goes to SLCC, and he sings fairly well. And I got a crinkle on him that night. But I never got his number, and I didn't see him in the morning. So I guess it's one of those "Perfect-Nights-With-A-Complete-Stranger-And-Never-See-Them-Again" kind of deal.

And I don't want to date HIM (you know). But yet...I still feel angry and annoyed and...ignored when he doesn't text back for 2 hours. I understand he's busy. And he has a life too. But it's still annoying. Maybe it's just him. Maybe He's just beginning to bug me.

Oh Pickle Juice.

Kind of in a pickle.

I told him he could come up for a concert.

I volunteer for the concert.

I might get to meet the bands?

He wants to meet the bands.

I have to meet ASUU by 3:30.

I get out of class at 2:50.

I have to pick him up.

I don't want to pick him up.

He has to volunteer to meet the groups too?

I don't know if I want him to come any more.

Maybe I should just tell him that it was cancelled.

Give my tickets to some one cool.

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Dreaming Nonsense

The other night, I had a dream that an unrelated (as in not blood-related) cousin of mine asked me to marry him. I had no idea who he was, or that he even liked me before then. And for some stupid reason, I said yes. I started spending more time with him, and I just...had to learn to like him. It was kind of bizarre. But I felt like I was cheating on him, because I just wanted to be with what's-his-face (the one every one wants to punch). But I was going to go through with the marriage any way.

Luckily, for me, this cousin doesn't actually exist. My messed up subconscious made him up.

Usually, (but only recently), I don't remember my dreams. And the one's I do remember...I feel like I need to pay attention, because they've got to be there for some reason. And usually I'm right. The dreams I remember end up telling me something important about my future. But what I don't understand is what this one is trying to tell me.

I need some psychological help. Where's Joseph when you need him?

Bad, MJ.

Today, I figured out that I cannot work in a quiet environment. I'm in the library, and I was trying to find a good quiet place to study, and I found one! The area was even labeled "quiet study area." Score!

But I was wrong. I got in, and I felt like a nuisance. My flip flops were too loud even. I sat down, got my mythology book out as quietly as possible, and started reading. But after 5 minutes, I just felt really uncomfortable and noisy. Like any move I made would turn the students in that room into an angry mob, and they would chase me out of the library. So I left. So much for my quiet study time. I found a nice place where I don't have to be as quiet. The air flows better here.

I think I'm going to kick him to the gutter. But I don't know. Every time I say that, we always end up back here again. Either he keeps coming back, or I just say hi once, and we're hanging out again. I don't want to lose him as a friend. So I'm going to have to say hi every once in a while. I'll have to see if he still wants to come up for Redfest. If so, I'll tell him the bad news after the concert. If not, then I guess I'll just...not text him anymore. I won't give him any warning. I think he's better off without me anyway. I'm kind of a bad influence on him. Bad, mj.

Be Serious

I don't know what to do. I need some advice. Please.

Here's the situation. He came up yesterday, because we were going to do a photoshoot for a friend. But she cancelled, so we ended up just hanging out in my dorm. But he got flirty beforehand. When I went to go pick him up down in Provo, he was making fun of me, spraying me with water, tickling me, the usual flirtyness of a typical guy. But since we had that conversation of just being friends only a week ago, I thought it was him just being an annoying, rambunctious friend.

When we got to my dorm, he was playing with my hair, playing with my hands, tickling me too much. I knew something was up. Especially when he started kissing my hand. My roommate left, and it was just the two of us in my room, and I knew that he was going to kiss me whether I wanted to or not. Especially because he just grabbed my face and pulled me in.

So yeah. We made out. Something I was not expecting. At least not so soon after our "friend-talk." And on the drive home...it got weird. We were just telling each other stories about our past. And then he says:

"I want a serious relationship."

Just like that, out of nowhere. And at first it sounded like he wanted it with me. He was saying things like "I want a serious relationship so we don't have to go through this every time we see each other," and "I don't know how you feel about it," and "the last time we talked, you didn't want one with me because I wasn't ready to have one with you." and things like that. And he asked me what I was thinking, and I just told him I was confused, because just 7 days ago, he said he liked me better as friends. We don't talk for 6 days, he comes up on day 7, and now he want's a serious relationship? And he said:

"No, I didn't mean a serious relationship with you."

I just...Don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with some one like this? I mean, I like him, but he drives me crazy with his indecisive-and-convoluted-truthness. I don't want to just kick him to the curb, because I really do like him as a friend. If something were to emerge from this, then great, but right now....it's just a total mess.

Seriously, what would you do if a guy told you something like this?

Is It True?

Today I had a little epiphany. I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

My view on knowing it's true love:

I'm a musician. I play piano. I love it. Because I'm a musician, I enjoy the musical qualities of particular parts of songs. No, not enjoy, I relish the pure pleasure i get out of melodic beauty. Listening to a piece of music sends shivers down my spine, I am filled with an incomprehensible feeling that makes me just...ease my head back, close my eyes, take in a deep breath, and just feel the music resonating through every cell in my body. But the problem is, when I listen to beautiful music, I'm never fully satisfied with what I'm listening to. Not unless I play the music myself. When I play it, it's complete. I'm not only uplifted, and happy, but completely content. Perfect, in a way. I feel perfection. And that's how love should feel.

With most everyone, you are going to feel those shivers, you'll feel happy, and beautiful, but there's still that filling in the back of your throat, the pit of your stomach, that something is unfulfilled or missing. And until you feel that completeness. . .just enjoy it as it comes. Enjoy the music and it's beauty. When you finally get to play the music yourself, you'll be incandescently happy. Content. Peaceful.

This is an example of an (excuse my language) orgasmic song. My favorite part--what I was trying to explain above--is from 1:25 til 1:50. But the part that just gives me an indescribable feeling is from 1:37 to 1:50. It's amazing. Just listen to those strings.