A Gravitational Pull

Today, I felt gravity. I felt the earth's gravity pulling me closer to the core of this strange planet we call home. I felt the pressure on my body, the sludgy motions as I melt and pull closer to the ground. And no, I'm not talking about an analogy for emotions. I mean I literally felt the force of gravity around me. I felt the heaviness of my body, his body, her body, every one. The cars slowly inching their way across the road, overcome with immobility due to the forces being exerted onto their small masses. I felt the objects on the other side of the world, as in below us, being pulled closer to us. I felt aware of my body. The weight it has, and the pressure I'm applying to the earth's fine layer of crust. I felt the closeness between us all. We're all being pulled to the center of earth, but we can't seem to touch each other. I felt heavier than I have ever felt in my entire life. It's amazing with all this force being put on us that we can even walk at all.
   What, then, would it feel like to walk on Mars? Mars' force of gravity is 4/10s of the earth's. What would it be like, being 4/10s lighter than usual? Would I jump higher? Run with bigger strides? Dance with the grace that a ballet dancer yearns to achieve? Would I therefore feel lighter in mood? Because lightness is something we all seek. Whether it be physically or emotionally. Would being 60% lighter, 60% higher, 60% more graceful...affect the way we think? Or is it all perception? Would we still be jealous of one another? You can jump 2 feet higher than I can. I hate you. Would we ever lose the jealousy we feel for others?
   Maybe we should all move to the sun. Where everyone would weigh 300,000 times more than on earth. No one would jump, no one would run, no one would dance. Would we, in turn, still be jealous of each other? Dismissing the fact, of course, that we would ultimately burn before we could even get close to the sun. If no one could do anything, what could any of us be jealous of? Beauty? It wouldn't matter, we wouldn't see anyway.
   Maybe that's our problem. We are blind without even being on the sun. We are blinded with the green envious shade of jealousy that we don't see each other for what we really are: Human.

flash back

The shattering clash of lightening as it cracks across the sky
Makes me think back on times of easier days.
When watching lightening was for excitement,
Instead of this feeling of a want for a change of scenery.
Waiting to see the next flash because it's the only thing surprising
Yet completely predictable in life.
It reminds me of what I used to have, what I used to want.
It's funny, things aren't much different now.
I still want love
I still want a family
I still want all my problems to just...finally get resolved.
I have changed.
My mind set has changed.
My whole life experience has changed.
And I still want those same things.
I just hope I don't have to wait much longer.

For You Crazy Lovers

For the crazy lovers out there
That wished on a star, but never came true
That cried in the shower when nobody's home
That suffocated a pillow from hugging so tight
That went on drives just to clear your minds
For the crazy lovers out there
That hoped with everything they had
That endlessly prayed for a miracle
That watched chick flicks just to live vicariously
That pondered the ups and downs of being forever alone
For the crazy lovers out there
That hold their chins up high
That know that one day they will come along
That want but know they must wait
That have figured out that it's just not the time
For the crazy lovers out there
That end a chapter and realize there's more to the book
That can feel the end of the drought nearing
That constantly perfect themselves for their future spouse
That can see the light at the end of the tunnel
Endure to the end
Because they are out there, trying their best to get to you as quickly as they can. 

500 Days of...

500 Days.
Of What?
500 Days of waiting.
500 Days of anticipation.
500 Days of Summer :)
500 Days (about) til my 21st birthday.
500 Days of longing.
500 Days of inexplicable yearning.
500 Days of memories played over and over like a broken record.
500 Days of wandering.
500 Days of wanting the closeness between fingers.
500 Days of one-sided affection.
500 Days til the end of two years.
500 Days til he comes home.
500 Days til we meet as strangers.
500 Days til we see those familiar features.
500 Days to prepare for the unknown.

some things.

sometimes, in life, things happen.
unexpected things.
indescribable things.
wonderful things.
bittersweet things.
things that you don't understand.
and sometimes, all those things can describe one event.
that was yesterday for me.

Should Have, Could Have, Didn't

So I had this dream last night. Some what disturbing, I have to admit. There were two different parts.

In the first part, I was with a few of my closest friends, and we were either at some amusement park, or carnival or something of the sorts, and we found out that the entire place was infested with zombies. Luckily, me and my posse had some get away parachutes that could take us to the outside of the village, and we could call our families for help. But only our families. So that's what we did. Now this part of the dream, I'm not sure what really happened. I either didn't call my family, or they didn't answer. Either way, I didn't come into contact with them. And we all learned that our way to safety was through or parachutes up into our family...pods, I would like to call them. But the problem was, we all of a sudden had one too few. Now, I knew at this point that I would have been welcome to come up to my friend's family pod, but that would have meant that one of my friends would be left behind and devoured. So I willingly volunteered to stay behind and save my friends. But what bugged me was that none of them offered to stay either. They just said "okay" and got ready to leave. So unappreciative. Luckily, my friend's family had brought a spare shute, and dropped it down to me and saved me.

Now in part two, I was at some sort of summer school, but it was a dark and dingy place, and it just seemed altogether creepy. I was learning some sort of weird math and we had a few people in the class with me. In this class, there was a girl named Megan (no affiliation with her whatsoever). I'm not sure who she was exactly, or why I felt like I needed to know her, but she was there, sitting right behind me with her dad. And her dad was very rude to her. Whispering to her, but with a yelling tone. Telling her how awful she was at math, how she was stupid because she wasn't working quick enough or something. And I just couldn't turn around and help. I just kept minding my own business. When all of a sudden, it was quiet behind me, no more abusive remarks. The dad suddenly gets up, tells the teacher that Megan was dead, she died out of anxiety, her heart was beating too fast. And I'm just...in shock. But I still don't do anything. I just continue with my math, trying to get it all done so I can finally go to nursing school. I turn in my work, and just walk out of the classroom. When I get to my mom and a friend, it finally dawns on me that I could have saved her. I could have performed CPR, and that probably would have restarted her heart, and being a certified CNA and being certified in CPR, it was my duty to do so. And I didn't. And it was too late now, because it had been hours (apparently) since she had died. And I was mad at myself, mad at her dad, mad that nobody did anything, including me. And my mom kept telling me that it was probably for the best. Megan had been adopted by a family that didn't want her in the first place, she was verbally abused by her family, and neglected, no less. But that did NOT mean that her death was the best for her. She could have done so much more, and she was gone, because I couldn't turn around, tell the dad to shut up, and perform CPR myself.


I don't know. It was a bizarre dream. I'm not sure what's going on in my head subconsciously.

Oh Summer.

This is going to be along summer. It's been one day away from school....and people...one in particular...and I'm already feeling lost and empty and jealous. I fell into a trap. Like always.

Love is a sad excuse for happiness.

One-sided love is even worse.

So I got really mad at Jesse yesterday. And I really shouldn't have, because he has no commitment to me whatsoever, but I was still mad. And I'm still mad today even. Yesterday, I saved him a spot at this choir performance, and when he got there, he looked at me, and then just...sat somewhere else. And it made me cry. Which is pathetic, I admit, but it did sting. And then I texted him later, asking him if I could just rant to him for a bit, because I haven't really had the opportunity to just...poor out anything to anyone, because everyone else is going through tough stuff, and I find it very selfish of me to just...add to their problems. And Jesse said that if he could help, he wouldn't mind listening.

But he never text back after saying "I'm in church, I'm still busy." And I got really frustrated, and I deleted his number. And cried. A lot.

Then I decided it was time to get over him. But I know that is NOT going to be easy for me. And I cried more.

Seriously, I just needed to talk to somebody yesterday, and Jesse was one of my last options, and he wouldn't even answer his phone after he SAID he could talk.

So I was p-i-s-s-e-d.

But then, of course, Jesse texted me this morning, telling me that his phone died, and he was stuck in Salt Lake all day, so he couldn't hook up his phone. And I felt awful for hating him.

Then today, I texted him, and he still hasn't text back. He's probably just really busy with classes. But I see him texting all the time, so maybe he just doesn't want to talk. Which sucks. I feel like I'm seriously getting the cold shoulder from him.

I feel stuck, almost. I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't want to get over him, even though I'm going to have to eventually.

I just need something or some one to help me forget about him.

Conflicting Feelings

There's uncertainty in the way we talk
The way we feel, the way we look.
Uncertainty in the way we act.
Too careful for friends.
Too careless for more.
Uncertainty in the future.
Questioning the past.
Dark feelings
Annoyance
Anguish
Subtle loathing.
Yet the presence of your being confuses me deeply.
Annoyance, with the benefit of the doubt
Anguish, with self-blame.
Subtle loathing, but hiding it well.
Because that smile changes everything.
Stop smiling.
Stop caring.
Or respond to the messages.
Respond to the want.
Respond to the longing.
Respond, so I know you're there.

:D

YAY!

Yeah. That's about all I can say right now. I don't want to jinx anything just yet.

Don't worry. It's nothing too big.

on my mind.

I pray that my husband will be a better dad. I pray that I won't fall into the same position my mom ended up in. I pray that he will be an example for my daughter, for my son, for my future family.

What I do every time I see you, regardless of the type of day I have.

I'm still working on the forgiven part.

Hoping that this is the case right now.

Oh man, we do this all the time in choir. And instead of awkwardly smiling to show I know that we do, I talk to Mary instead.

give it to him good!

I am in the mood to just do crazy and insane things. No thanks to my lovely friend, Tad, who wishes to torment me.

I've been wanting to just...kiss Jesse for the past forever now. And I was joking about doing it this sunday. But Tad had this brilliant idea.

So here's the back story before I get to his epiphany. Back in January, our choir had a social, and our choir director made this rule that if we were to kiss ANYONE new from that moment on, we had to bring him a tub of ice cream. Well, I didn't think anyone was going to actually do it. But almost everyone that HAS kissed some one knew proceeded to follow said rule. And it turns out, that every one of those people who brought ice cream ended up in a relationship with that person.

Now Tad has this idea that I should come to choir on the last day, and just..Slam a tub of ice cream down in front of Brother Romrell (our choir director) and walk over to Jesse, kiss him, shake his hand (because we have NEVER touched before), and then just go sit back down. And as EPIC as that sounds...I'm scared that I might actually do it, and then just...totally get the cheek because Jesse freaked out, and didn't want to kiss me.

BUT I WANT TO DO IT SO BAD. It would be awesome! Besides, there's a possibility that I will never see him again after that last day in choir. So we might as well leave it on an epic note, right?

My face is going red just typing about this all. I'm blushing, and no one is even around to witness how embarrassed I look.

I have a lot of thinking, and mulling things over to do in the next two days.... wish me luck!

Break the Ice with Ice Cream

Well. It's done. I did it. I'm kind of amazed I actually told him. I swear the last time I told a guy that I liked him was when I was in 7th grade. This is new territory for me, and I'm frightened, and anxious, and antsy, and overwhelmed, and happy, and free and open to the world all at the same time. I kind of like this feeling. It's new, and I needed it, especially with everything else that is going on right now.

Jesse seems to be handling the news just fine so far. He's waving every time I see him. He laughed at me earlier today too, when I was studying for a quiz, because he knew I had problems with it.

I'm just not entirely sure I'm okay with his reaction just yet.

So on friday, I pulled him to the side after the choir concert, during the ice cream party, and was like: "When you get a chance...can I talk to you?" And I had to wait like..10 minutes before I could talk to him. His mom HAD to introduce me to everyone in his family that showed up. I think I've officially met at LEAST half of his family. When I finally got him on his own, I just kind of...freaked out..and I knew that I couldn't back out. Here's our conversation (from what I remember):

Me: "So...don't hate me..."

Jesse: "It's okay." (I think that was weird for him to say)

Me: "Okay....grrraahhghghhgg. This is hard for me to do" (yes, I growled and I gurgled.)

Jesse: "Okay..."

Me: "So basically...I think I'm getting feelings for you, and I really wanted to just get that out there so that I'm not burdened with that kind of....information."

Jesse: "Haha, okay. Well, I'm in limbo. Like, I just got home from my mission, and this is all new to me, and I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing" (And literally, this came milliseconds after I told him, almost as if he was already thinking it, or knew what I was going to say, or...as if he tells girls this kind of thing all the time)

Me: "Oh, that's fine. I just wanted to tell YOU how I felt. Nothing more."

Jesse: "Haha, alright."

Me: "Let's just...try and not make it awkward between us."

Jesse: "Oh of course not. I don't think it'll be awkward."

Me: "Well..I'm an awkward person, so I can't promise anything."

Jesse: "Haha, true." (with his adorable, dimpled, awkward smile and a slight tilt of the head)

And I died.

Okay not really, but I did go home, and freak out, and ate a pint of ice cream while watching Ever After, and then tried to cry myself to sleep. But I didn't.

I'm actually okay with telling him. It feels so nice not to be hiding that from him. And even if he never does like me back, at least I got it out there, and I won't regret never telling him, right?

3 weeks left.

The Violet Hour

Before reading this, I would really like you to click on the link below. This song is meant to go with this post.

This is the violet hour, the hour of hush and wonder, when the affections glow again and valor is reborn, when the shadows deepen magically along the edge of the forest and we believe that, if we watch carefully, at any moment we may see the unicorn.

- Bernard DeVoto "The Hour"

Today I'm gonna tell Jesse my feelings for him. Kind of scary. Actually, it's really scary. He told me yesterday that he's probably not coming back to this school next semester, and may end up going to BYU, which means, these may be our final weeks. And I just need to get things off my chest before then, so that I can have a sense of closure.

It may be the worst idea in the world, but it needs to be done. It may make things extremely awkward between us for the last 3 weeks of this semester. And I might get a little hurt. But things will get better in time. I just need him to know. And not assume that he knows.

I keep going over ways I'm going to explain things to him. Right now this is how I'm thinking of doing it.

During our rehearsal, I'm going to pull him to the side and ask to speak to him in private. And because I'm insane and quirky, I'm just going to say: "So..I think I'm getting feelings for you, and I know I'm putting my head on the chopping block by saying that, but I just really wanted to get that out there. I'd still like for us to be friends, and I hope that in light of this new information, things won't get too awkward between us." And then just smile because I'm an awkward person, and we'll both know that being awkward is going to happen no matter what.

But I'm terrified of his reaction. And I'm worried that it's going to ruin my mood during our concert tonight. And what's even worse is that my family will be there, and his family will be there, and....it just FEELS messy to me. I don't know if it sounds messy to any one else. So i'm really freaking out on the inside. Trying to hide it on the outside.

The past few days though, Jesse has been texting me. Nothing really important, and they were very short conversations, but he asked me how I was doing on wednesday, and I'm assuming that's because my mom had kicked me out of the house, and he wanted to make sure I was okay. Him and his family actually let me stay the night at his house on Monday. His parents are lovely folks. Any one should be proud to be a part of that family. And today was just to ask me if his family needed to dress in Sunday clothes for our choir concert. So nothing extraordinary. But nonetheless, I think that was a bigger step for him, since I do all the texting.

I'm scared.

It is the Violet Hour.

A new day will come.

first world problems

My father has a court hearing. We did some research, since we know that there is a huge case against him. He's facing at least 1 to 15 years in jail. Yay us. I don't know how we're going to survive without his income.

Things aren't going anywhere with Jesse.

There's a lot of homework, since it's the end of semester.

oh no he didn't

no. he didn't call. yes, i'm depressed.

my life is full of nothing but disappointment.

so far.

i don't like it.

and i wish i could change it.

Because I'm A Teenager

I write because I'm a teenager

And life sucks.

I write because I'm a teenager

And I'm concerned about 1st world problems.

I write because I'm a teenager

And think that 20 is the new 60.

I write because I'm a teenager

And believe that because I can't find a good relationship, all things good does not exist.

I write because I'm a teenager

And have only this as my outlet.

I write because I'm a teenager

And can only handle so much pain and chaos at one time.

I write because I'm a teenager

And can only say that for another 7 months.

I write because I'm a teenager

And growing up is a long, hard, bumpy road.

wishing, waiting, wanting

It's almost surreal, these feeling I've gained

Like I'm on the high of a roller coaster

But instead of a downward spiral,

A plumet to a possible death,

I only feel the butterflies,

I only sense the sensation of floating.

Smiles burst from my supposed composure

Bubbles, orange sun, dandelions

All things that make me happy found in a twitch of your lips.

The prospect of what could be looms in the air

Bringing warm anxiety, almost tangible.

Pinks, Reds, Yellows.

Colors cloud my vision when thoughts of you race by.

The simple brush of our arms.

The only physical contact we've ever had

Feels so comfortable.

Like home.

Blue eyes. Grey eyes. Green eyes.

Choose a day, choose a color.

I choose your eyes.

Cats, canes, crinkles, choir.

So many C's.

But I see you. And you see me.

Sloppy, messy, loud, obnoxious.

But patiently waiting, nonetheless.

Waiting to be standing in front of you

Under the dazzling lights of that unknown city

In an unknown state.

State of mind, state of feeling, state of consciousness.

Longing to reach out my hand and grab yours.

Both unfamiliar to the touch.

But wanting it more and more.

No cares of this and that.

No worries of negativity.

Just to be here with you now

Looking into those well acquainted eyes.

Wanting to know the stories behind them.

Wanting to know the person to which they belong.

Wanting.

speed bumps and stop signs

So, yesterday was quite the adventure for me. I had my first date with Jesse, and it was so much fun, haha. Jesse's got a very sarcastic personality, like me, so we get along just fine. But I was so nervous about the date that entire day. I found out that THE last guy I went on a date with is, "Tyson," is now engaged, and it kind of freaked me out. What if his girlfriend hadn't been in the picture when we went on that date? Would that have been me? And then I started getting scared for the date. What if I hate Jesse? What if we just don't connect? What if we do? What if this is my potential husband? And I could not eat yesterday to save my life. Not even on the date. I couldn't finish my slice of pizza, the smallest piece in the pie. But it turned out great, and I was stupid for even worrying, haha.

I really do hope we go on a second date. Maybe without the awkwardness of another couple this time.

Oh, and Jesse's a scary driver when he doesn't know where he's going (:

in case of an emergency

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. There's that unsettling feeling in my chest...kind of like anxiety...or as if I was about to go through an anxiety attack, but it's not quite there.

I'm worried. I'm concerned. I'm threatened.

I just want to take the time now and just...tell every one how much I love them. You know when people die, or something just awful happens, you have that feeling of regret and you just wish you could have said something that you wanted to, but never actually got the chance to?

Well...I don't want that to happen to me. I want every one to know how very grateful I am, before anything happens that any one of us will regret.

First, to my mom: I know that we don't get along very well. We have very many disagreements, and we hardly ever see eye to eye on things concerning my life, and concerning your discipline method. But I honestly do love you. Even when I say I hate you, I love you. You've always been there for me through thick and thin. Through breakups, and heartache, through disappointment and great joys. You stuck me through dance and piano, and made sure I kept at it, which I will forever be grateful for. I would be such a boring person if I had never danced or played. You put up with so much, it's a wonder you are still around. You've had to deal with dad, and a divorce, and your awful bratty daughters (including me) and who knows what else. But you are still standing strong. I have nothing but admiration for you, and I hope to be as much as a woman and mother as you are.

Next to Lily Mae: We've had our ups and downs. We have a love-hate relationship. I know I never say this to you, ever, but I really do love you. You are a sweet and innocent girl, so young and naive. But stay that way. Never let any one convince you that you are some one you are not. Don't do drugs. Don't have a boyfriend until your married. Don't kiss until your 40.

Anna Belle: I will never understand what goes on in that twisted head of yours. Most of the time I can't STAND you, but I am very protective over you nonetheless. Just...please learn that no means no, and that "if you are quiet, you'll get your stuff back" doesn't mean that you need to scream even louder and have the cops called on us for no reason.

Annie Reed: I know we don't talk much, but I miss you so much. Those small little conversations that we do have from time to time makes me feel like that there are understanding people out there in the world, and I can never forget how good you make me feel. You are an amazing friend, and I am so glad that Ruthie introduced us in 6th grade. With out her, I wouldn't have met the second most naive girl on the earth with the biggest heart and and open mind.

Kelly Newman: I miss you like you don't even know. You just have a way with words that makes me feel like the world is nothing compared to the happiness we give each other out of witty remarks and pure stupidity. You're like another sister, and I'm so glad that you and your family are in my life. I would have died that one week last April when the world was crashing down and I lived at your house. If I hadn't had you, I'd probably just crash somewhere on the road, living out of my car. You're wonderful, smart, witty, and oh so original. It's true, every one does want to be like you.

Aubrey Harmer: You gorgeous being you. You make me want to be a better person all the time when I'm around you. You teach me not to do things I always do, like gossip, and back-talk, and say that I "hate" some one. I'm also very jealous of your hair and your eye make up. Just so you know. You too, have been there for me when things were hard. You and Kelly really were the people who kept me going through my difficult times. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Miara Farnsworth: I facebook stalk you, and I get jealous too. Just saying. You're beautiful, you have amazing hair and you're SO skinny (tell your mom that I think you should gain weight, not lose it, haha). But you are a kind soul, and you're family has been very helpful to us. And the carpools are saving my mother and me money that we don't have, so thank you so much. I can't tell you how much we appreciate you and your family. Don't be jealous of any body else but yourself, because you really do have it all. You're amazing, and don't let facebook make you think differently.

Megan Crosland: You are just so....there's not even a word for it! You're gorgeous (I'm super jealous), and have the best voice (so 1940's-esque) and just plain amazing. I know the dating world isn't particularly favoring you or me, but boys are dumb. And when you find that guy, he's going to have to be the most amazing guy in the history of men in order to even hope to be in the same league as you. And you will find him, I guarantee. And you'll be married til you die, and your kids will be so beautiful, every one else in the entire world will be jealous too.

Monica Chen: You always know the right things to say to bring some one out of the darkness and feel like they are everything in the world. But down cut yourself short. You are just as beautiful and amazing as you make every one else sound. So many people love you, and want to see you happy. Just as I'm sure you want every one else to be. Monica you have such a sparkle, it's time you let it shine. Never get discouraged. Just live life as it comes.

Jesse Galovich: I know that we know nothing about each other. And we never talk, apart from our conversation about the weather, and then our random door-holding-and-passing-each-other-on-campus-hello. But you give me hope that there is some one out there for me. It may not be you, or maybe it is (more than likely it's not, though, knowing my luck. no offense), but there is some one out there that I will be happy with, get married to, and have a beautiful family with. I think it's something in your smile that makes me able to picture myself content with some unknown shadowy figure (that's how I see him in my mind right now. Since i have no accurate picture of my future husband). The way the corners of your mouth goes up, and your eyes squint a bit, and then you get almost a shooting-star like crinkle on the side of your eyes, as if your eyes were the stars, and the crinkles angle themselves into them. And yes, to be honest, I have pictured myself with you and I do like it, haha. But what girl doesn't do that with a crush? Thank you for always being there in choir.

Angel Chong: You are like my twin. My half-Asian sister, who understands hardships, but you are the better half of us. You are the optimistic one, and I admire you so much for that. I am so proud that you are almost hitched, and I'm so happy that it's with the man you've waited for. I love you, and I want to make sure that we will still see each other and have awesome girl's nights with megan and brianna.

Blake Newman: I know we haven't talked since Black friday last year, and I'm actually perfectly okay with that, but I want to thank you for making me see that I do need to grow up. Yes, I was growing up, but relationship wise, when we "went-on-dates" you helped me see that I really do need to reevaluate and refocus my relationship and dating techniques. I'd never be ready for marriage if I had kept doing what I was doing. So thank you.

Zack Smith: Honestly, I don't hate you, but I could care less about your life. But thank you so much for breaking up with me. I was headed down a dark hole, and if it wasn't for that break up...I probably wouldn't be here right now. I really do hope you are happy with Laura, and I hope you guys have a long and healthy relationship. So get out of my dreams now. I really don't need to see that you guys are doing well. Seriously, I don't care for details. Kthanks.

Facebook: I hate you. But thank you for existing.

Everyone else: you're amazing. never change. choose the right. be happy. live without fear.

getting rid of the bad

I'm getting sick. Not necessarily throw-up-temporary-stomach-flu-and-headache sick. But sick where I'm always feeling nauseated, where I'm losing my appetite, where I'm not sleeping, not...having enough time for myself. And I'm getting more and more angry with my father.

I think I'm losing my happy streak too. As the days go on, I feel myself getting lost in nothing but work, jealousy, loneliness, and complete and utter annoyance. I fear that I'm not a very amiable person.

Not even my music, or my playlist meant for me to throw myself into a better mood, is working anymore. I'm getting really sick of music, and that obviously means that there is something wrong. Music is my life. I've inhaled music since I was little, and now all of a sudden I don't want to hear it, play it, or even sing it.

I know that's a little hypocritical of my last post, saying that I'm glad I'm in choir. But honestly, I just want to sit there. I don't feel like singing our songs or participating in the class activities.

Oh, and I hate my dad. But according to my bishop, I'm not allowed to. But I can't help it. Every time I begin to consider forgiving him for some horrible thing he does, he decides to overdose on his damn sleeping pills and does something even worse.

He won't be around for Lily Mae's birthday. It's next week. He'll be off in California with his "only daughters" as I like to call them. He acts like my older sisters are his true daughters and that they are the only ones that even matter in this world. And its obvious now. He's gone for Mae mae's birthday, and he wasn't around for mine. And on top of it all, he"s created an account over in California for himself. I know that all of this is just a ploy to prepare his big move to California after he gets out of prison. He's going to completely abandon us. And I don't care in the slightest.

If I ever do get married, he's not allowed to come.

I feel bad to realize that even Lily Mae hates him too. I feel like she's much to young to make such a judgement. But then again, she is going through all of the same things I am as well, and she has to deal with it at a younger age. This whole situation has taught her to grow up a lot quicker. I don't think that's fair for her. She's not even 15 yet, and she has to worry about our financial stress, the loss of the priesthood, the separation of her parents, and the awful acts of my father, and has to deal with the consequences as well. She never had the chance to just live a care-free teenage life.

But neither did I.

I'm concerned for both of my younger sisters and I. Really....who would ever want to marry into a family with as much baggage as us? Most people in the ward already "frown upon us" even though they have no idea who we are, what we deal with, and how we survive after it all.

If only there really was a literal way of getting rid of all the bad, and just starting new.

just another

So, I have this crush. Big surprise, right? Not. But somehow, he's different from my typical crush. Usually I go head over heels for a guy, and I'm clearly obsessed, but this is different. It's like I'm already expecting nothing to happen. But I really want to be his friend. He seems like a nice guy with a good sense of humor. It's hard to tell. He practically never talks. I, myself, have only had a total of 1 conversation with him, and we talked about being bad with names, and the weather. Of course the weather. That dreaded fallback conversation that every one uses as an excuse to just have something to say.

I see him almost every day. during the school week. He has a class right before me in the same room, and then I always see him walk out of the math building on my way to the music building. But those are my mondays and wednesdays. Tuesdays and thursdays we have choir. A whole hour and 50 minutes singing and not talking. Mostly due to the 10 or some odd people between us. I like having him in choir though. And whenever the men sing it's always a good excuse to just look over in that general direction.

I'm glad I stayed in choir.