i hate you.

I try my best to keep my mother calm and happy, because she is utterly unbearable when she gets even the slightest bit upset. So of course, I have been doing nothing this entire break but cooking, cleaning, doing homework, grocery shopping, NONSTOP. And what kind of thanks do I get? A scream in the face telling me I'm lazy, I'm ungrateful, I'm unhelpful, and I'm fat. Thanks a lot mother. That's really motivational.

Don't revisit the past.

Sometimes, I really don't like my mom. She makes me feel awful about myself all the time. Her most recent crime has been to make a point that she thinks that I am fat. She actually offered to pay me to drop some weight.

I was at a homecoming on sunday, at my chinese ward, so I haven't seen a lot of the people their, and when I got home, the first thing my mother told me was "Julie asked if you weren't taking dance, because she says she can tell you gained weight. I told you."

I just wanted to smack her. So what I'm not her ideal weight? I still a healthy size. I'm not even close to overweight. Is she expecting me to be underweight again? Because the only way I got there was through that horrid breakup. Maybe she thinks if she gets me depressed again, I'll just drop.

Speaking of breakup...I keep dreaming about Zack. And it bugs me. I am 100% positive I have no feelings for him at all. Maybe I'm dreaming about him because of my mom. Mainly, in my dreams, Zack just hangs out with me, and then goes and tells my mother what he misses about me and what he doesn't miss. And then he texts me pictures of him and Laura. It really makes no sense to me, but whatever.

I just think I'm psychologically strained. Maybe it's from finals. Who knows.

I hope it goes away.

engaging

People need to stop getting engaged. Like really. I love you all, but you're making me feel like I'm being left in the dust. I'm so young! I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. So stop falling in love. Really.