Crushed

So, for my Dance 1075 class, I have to make up a 1-minute piece. It's supposed to be a self-portrait, and it's due on friday. I've created my dance, but I'm not too sure how I feel about it just yet. Proud that it's expressive, or depressed because what I'm dancing is true...

I don't even know if I like it. I'll have to video it and post it up sometime...

There is a lot of pushing away, dragging my feet, spinning in circles...etc

Oh, and apparently a lot of chest movement, according to one of my classmates. "You really like to express with your chest."

It'll be interesting. Solos and all....

ps. i have a crush on a boy named tyler :) I've always like the name tyler. :D I've been looking for an excuse to name a son tyler, because it would've been weird to do so, since zack's middle name was tyler. but now that i've found a cute boy to pin it on, i'm good!

I am an unripe tomato

So, I went to FHE today for our YSA up at uni, and...I had fun! Yeah, there are a mixture of cute boys here and there. But the problem is....I think they are all taken :/ or at least not interested.

I have the feeling that's how most of the boys on campus are going to be. Taken, or not interested. But mostly taken. It's the downside of being a freshman; all the older more mature men either have bands, or are about to get one.

I also hate being a freshman. Because you don't know ANYBODY. Yeah, I didn't know a single person at FHE tonight. I felt kinda betrayed by a couple girls that were supposed to come with me :( but I had fun nonetheless.

Another downside of being a freshman: boys don't care for you. They want the women who are older, more experience, closer to marriage. They don't stop to think that the youngin's like me may be ready as well. Their eyes just kinda pass over us as if we are just another unripe tomato. But it's okay. My time will come. I hope.

What Is Your Quest?

Not really sure how I felt about yesterday... I mean, I did have fun, but did I really have fun? Because if I really had fun, I wouldn't feel so unsure about the happenings of yesterday afternoon, you know? I guess...just a lot of the time...I wished we were there on a date, not a friend-date. I wanted to hold his hand in the movie. I wanted to walk with my arm around his waist. I think yesterday would have been a great day, if we were together. Just throw in a couple kisses, and some hand holding, and it would have been perfect. But I think I was just...wanting the impossible.

I want friendship with him. But I want more than just a friendship with him.

Goshdangitwoman! What do you want?!

I Care

I care about cleanliness, because feeling clean always makes me feel better.

I care about my education, because getting a good education will pave the path of my future.

I care about how my time is spent, because a waste of time could eventually hurt me in the end.

I care about the colors I use in my life, because eventually, they control the feelings I feel in a specific environment.

I care about friendship, because without friendship, we all would live in a dark world of solitude.

I care about honesty, because without honesty, there is no trust, and therefore no true relationships between any one.

I care about love, because without love, life ceases to exist as we know it.

I care about life, because no matter what any one says, no matter what trials or tribulations come, life is GREAT, and don't forget it.

GAH

Really annoyed today. I cleared my entire saturday, including the only few hours I've been scheduled to work in the past 3 months, just to have my date cancel on me.

Reschedule? Are you serious? Do you have any idea how hard that's going to be with the football games I'm working, and the choir performances, and the new friends I'm supposed to be meeting? I can't just wait for you to decide that you can finally come up, and have me waste another saturday. My time is precious to me. Don't waste it.

But I'm okay. It'll be okay. I am calm. I am cool. I have no fear whatsoever.

Now I just have to find something to do with my time tomorrow, because homework isn't going to take all day.

Even Better

Today, I also found out that my suitemates LOVE to do jello shots. It's 4 in the afternoon on a thursday, and they are doing shots. How pathetic is that? And just to think that alcohol could be going down my sink, splashing over my toothbrush. It's disgusting, their behavior.

My roommate's my hero. She confronter her. I'm not very good at confrontations, especially with strangers in a sketch-type of situation. So thank heavens I have Emily!

Please Change Back.

I'm really disappointed in him right now.

He seemed just fine until today. At the current moment, I really don't know if I want anything with him anymore. If he's just going to be a..horn-dog...then I just can't be here. I'm done with playing around. I'm done with "hooking up." I want a real man, a real relationship based off of something pure and true. I thought that's what I was seeing in him, but I guess I was wrong.

He's just too young. He's got the mind of a 15 year-old. And I've got the mind of a 40 year-old. I just don't see how this is going to work out.

I just don't know what to do now. Tell him off right now? Or wait until Saturday, when I can explain things in person? But what are his expectations for Saturday? Because all I really want to do is just... talk. Talk, have some fun, watch a movie, run the town. But mostly talk. I want to get to know him. Know who he is. All this...other stuff that he wants is just not satisfying. There's more to a relationship than just kissing, and he should know that. He's nearly 22, for crying out loud.

I'm afraid that he's forgot all teachings while on his mission. Principles, Doctrine, right from wrong...What happened to that boy I met, who wanted me to start attending church again, to get me to start praying more? I want him back. Not this boy who's fallen back into his old habits before his mish.

a silver lining?

I've had a fairly decent past day and a half :)

Yesterday, I had dinner with an old friend and her family. It was sooooo good. I'm considering eating dinner there every sunday. And after, we went over to this lady's house to grab some amazing tomatoes. Her name is Annie. She's the number one neurologist in the world, and her tomatoes must be filled with crack or something, because I can't get enough. She also makes the best icecream and cookies.

I finally got a date set up with him. He's coming up to salt lake this saturday via UTA bus and trax, all the way from provo. (: it's very sweet of him. I don't think i've ever had a guy do that just to spend a few hours with me. So i'm gonna have to make sure our date is amazing. I'm far too excited for that....It'll be 3 weeks since i've seen him last.

I also got a sweet text from jarman today, he wants to catch up, and i think that'll be fun.

And i got a lovely email from elder dillon chen today as well.

so..yeah. things are looking up right now :D

classes are good so far. but i need to grab another hour of sleep or something before my last class.

What a blifferating day.

I'm creating a new word.

Blifferating: describing the situation when things don't go your way.

Today definitely did not end up the way I wanted it to. Like, at all.

I think I feel a lot worse than I did when I was worrying all of yesterday and this morning.

I barely talked to him at all today. He's not even coming back until the middle of the night. And by "back" he means provo. Lame. I was so hoping I'd be able to see him this weekend. It really would have lifted my spirit.

I feel like we are heading back down now. Down on this rollercoaster we've been on for the past 4 months. But maybe this is my fault. Maybe it's because I don't tell him how I really feel, or what I truly think of our situation.

So this is for you:

I want commitment. I want to know that when I wake up in the morning, you'll still be there. That you're not going to decide that I was a fun toy, but you want something shinier. I want to know that you have feelings for me, and that's why you want to get to know me better. I don't like the guessing game. I'm tired of the jealousy game as well. Either you let me date other guys without making me feel guilty, or you stop dating other girls. I can't be sitting here, devoting my time to you, when you are out with other girls, and nothing may ever procure from this. I want truth. I want straightforward answers, and none of this avoiding-the-question nonsense. Just tell me! Tell me what you want from me!

From what I can tell... you're not going to be any different from Zack or Tingey. They started out this way too. Sure, they got to business a lot quicker. Zack a month, Tingey a matter of days. But 4 months? Really?

I'm ready to settle down. And if you're not, then you can't be him. Let me move onto another guy.

I ran into a friend today. She's barely older than me, and I found out that she got married last week. I am too far behind. I'm starting to kind of feel depressed because I'm not even at the boyfriend stage. I just want a family. A beautiful family with a loving husband, amazing children, and a happy home. Just give me that.

Similarities

Today, I met a girl who's basically in the same situation I am in.

We Both go to the U.

We both are Mormon.

We both want to find out when our single's ward is.

We both are "dating" a guy that goes to the Y.

We are both "dating" a guy that is 21.

We both wish that it would go one way or the other with this guy.

We both want to major in a medical-related field.

We both have those guys coming up today.

But we both don't know if we can see them for a while.

And we both want to see them. Terribly.

Oh, and we both are part Chinese. Though she's cooler. She's Hawaiian.

I hope everything goes well for her. She's a sweet girl.

I'll be back soon to talk about my irrational feelings that mean nothing to anyone but myself, which is all that matters.

Til then~

Missing You

I don't know why, but I'm feeling very antisocial.

Like. . .I've met the girls next to me, and the guys across from me. . .and there's a dance going on, and I was invited to a party down the hall, but I just don't want to meet new people just yet.

I don't know if I'm just scared of meeting new people, or scared of meeting people who acted like I used to and reforming me to my old ways.

I just really want to be with my old friends.

People I'm missing right now:

Aubrey

Kelly

Amanda

Blake

Jarman

Mikelle

Megan

Angel

I can't decide what type of person I want to be this year.

Option A: I'm-only-here-for-school-so-I'm-going-to-focus-all-my-attention-on-home-work-and-one-particular-guy-and-come-off-as-a-b*tch

Option B: I'm-awesome-and-can-be-friends-with-every-one-because-I-feel-like-it

Option C: I'm-quiet-and-shy-and-won't-seem-to-like-anyone-until-the-very-end-of-the-year-so-just-pretend-like-I'm-not-here-so-I-can-just-keep-to-myself-in-my-own-little-world.

Right now, I'm playing out Option C. I've met a few people, but I have no desire to hang out with them just yet...because I'm scared.

I miss my friends.

A Pathetic Teenage Dream

Okay. So maybe it is just a little of him.

I keep going over different scenarios in my head of what could possibly happen on saturday.

Scenario One:

I head out to a friend's to pick her up, and we call another friend to see if she wants to come and chill with us at the BLVD too. We go and pick her up, and he's there. We hug tightly, and I just want to stay in his arms right there. But we invite him to the party as well, ha.

Scenario Two:

He just calls when he gets back into town and wants to see a movie or something at his house. Just chill because we haven't seen each other in two weeks.

I'm an idiot. A hopeless-romantic, idiot who's somewhat masochistic in creating such scenarios with some one that something might never happen with.

Then again, things might.

I'm too attached to this guy. I thought that giving us some space would help, like it had in the past, but I find myself just counting down the days now. Watching the hours. It's completely pathetic. I'm pathetic. UGH.

It's like I'm stuck in that obsessive, high school crush stage all over again. . . .

Maybe that's what Katy Perry means, haha.

"You make me feel like I'm living the Teenage Dream, the way you turn me on."

Insecure?

Today, I moved away from home. I've been waiting for this moment for the past few years.

It's weird though...I assumed I would have been a little more...ecstatic today. But instead, I'm feeling quite melancholy. I dunno what it is. Finally realizing that I have to meet a whole bunch of new people, go through some more awkward situations. Live with some one I don't know. Being away from the people I've lived with for the past 18 or so years? I can't be this depressed over a boy. There is no way. I'm attached to him, but I'm not THAT attached.

Or maybe I'm just scared to start my life. Maybe I'm starting to feel a little insecure about my life. About where I am, who I am, and what I want to become.

There's an icecream social in about 20 minutes. But I don't think I'll go. I think I'll watch Across the Universe or...500 Days of Summer. Or something.

I realized that exactly 2 years ago today, I went on my first date with Zack, and we went to go see 500 Days of Summer... ironic, haha. It's my most favorite movie in the world, and I'm excited to watch it.

Right now. (:

Countdown

Caribbean: -8 days

Move Out: 3 days

College: 7 days

Birthday: 95 days

Christmas: 132 days

2012: 140 days

Til he comes home: 5 days

yet his still seems the furthest away.

Wait A Week?

A week away from home with nothing but water, excursions, and models, and what do I realize I miss the most? A boy. Not even my family. Does that mean I'm a bad person?

I had a good time. I swam with stingrays and dolphins. I modeled, I competed. I talked with a few agents. I ate delicious food.

But really..I just wanted to come home to see a boy. People were really negative on the cruise. Always complaining, always back-talking, always the jealousy. And I just didn't want to go home because I knew the unnecessary fighting was going to continue.

I just wanted to be with some one in some place were life was peaceful. Happy. Soothing.

But I must still wait, even though I'm home.

One more week.

At least.

A simple plea

I had a great date last night.

Though I was a little annoyed at the beginning. But I got over that.

I was annoyed mainly because my date kept pulling out his phone and was texting.

I always get butterflies before I see this guy.

Yesterday, on my drive over to his house, my stomach was just in knots.

It's funny, having already gone on a few dates with him, and made out and spent 3 sleepless nights with him... I'm still completely worried that I'm gonna screw things up with him, by the way I act or look. I almost did with that ridiculous letter. I think I'm being a little too careful. He hasn't really seen me in full swing yet.

I really want things to work out between us.

We stayed up really late last night. I didn't get home until 7:30 this morning. But I was really happy with where I was. I didn't want to come back home. I didn't want to face reality.

I smile all the time when he's there. When I get home, my cheeks are just so sore.

But I like it. Not everybody can keep me smiling even if we aren't in the same room.

I felt some sort of personal connection with him last night/this morning. I dunno if he did, but I felt a little closer.

We kinda accidentally fell asleep on the couch...while cuddling in a spoon-like formation... (:

And I felt so comfortable there, even though it was sweltering hot, and we were sweaty with a blanket covering us.

I wish we could have stayed like that a little while longer. It made me feel wanted.

And when we hugged goodbye, I just felt like standing there in the living room for the rest of the day in that embrace. Things have been tough, but that hug made it worthwhile.

I really don't want to go to the Caribbean now. I want to be able to stay here and talk to him some more. I'm afraid that when I get back..we'll be going back down on this relationship roller coaster. And I'm worried that with school coming and everything...It may stay down.

But I really hope it doesn't. I'm terrified.

And now I'm getting emotional over this all. I'm such a baby.

Don't forget me, please.

Don't live vicariously.

Life throws unfair curveballs.

Depending on who you are, you may or may not be able to catch them.

I'm not one to catch a curveball.

Actually, I'm not one to catch a ball at all.

I have terrible hand-eye coordination.

I just kinda..see it coming at me...and twitch to the side, as to make sure it doesn't hit and hurt me.

But if I had caught life's curveballs...what kind of person would I be?

Strong?

What kind of strong? Strong and self-centered?

Or strong and empathetic?

Would I even be close to who I am today?

Sometimes I wish I had caught the ball.

But usually, I'm glad I didn't. Because I get to learn from the mistakes that were made. Grow stronger instead of internalizing and pretending I'm stronger.

I'm grateful for the decisions I've made in my life.

And I hope you are too.

Don't regret your decisions.

I know that's kind of...hypocritical of me to say..because of my last post..but I'm glad I did it now.

That guy kind of understands me a bit more now.

Understands that I've been hurt, and I just don't want to be hurt the same way again.

Don't regret.

If you regret, you're not really living.

Regret it.

Have you ever done something that you thought would be a great idea..but you end up regretting you ever did it?

I did something that I regret doing.

It's nothing terrible. Just...I feel like I may have ruined a good friendship with someone.

I sent a letter, telling this someone that I didn't think we should be dating. Right now at least. That we should just remain friends. We've done this whole off-and-on dating thing since late April I believe. And I'm sick of waiting around for him to decide that we either do or don't do something about it.

I have terrible patience. I told Aubrey that I would wait until right before I left to the Caribbean before I gave him an ultimatum. But I couldn't do it. I gave into my head and rashly broke things off.

And after I sent it...I felt awful. I couldn't believe I did it. But I just kinda got used to the fact that I did it, and moved on....until he texted me yesterday. He hadn't read the message yet. And I just felt...so uncomfortable. Like I should tell him not to go on facebook ever again.

But I didn't. And I don't know why. I just. . .let things happen the way I didn't want them to. I had control, but I didn't take it.

And I'm not even sure why I sent him that message in the first place.

I think it was just because I'm scared. Scared of the future. Scared of getting hurt.

There's been too much of that going on in my life as it is, and I didn't want him to be added to the mess.

The truth of the matter is: I'd LOVE to date him. I think I really like this guy. He's a sweetheart. He's been there for me throughout my tough week. I always get shy and tongue-tied around him. I can't ever really be my crazy self because of how nervous I am, haha. And he gives me goosebumps and butterflies. I don't think there's been a guy like that in my life for a while. At least, not to this extent.

I've been sitting in my room for the past few hours, debating whether I should text him back and just tell him the truth. That at the time it seemed right, because everything was going wrong. But now my heart and my head feel that we need this chance. Now.

If anybody reads this. . .do you have any advice?

No arms. No Legs. No Worries

This video is just so inspiring. Really. Watch it. After you've seen it, go look at yourself in the mirror.